​The Council of Three Birds Meets To Discuss Betsey

Turkey: Well, guys… What is the consensus? What do we think of this little Crow? This Writer Extraordinaire?

Pheasant: I don’t like her. I think she is crazy.

Owl: I like her. She is very intelligent. There is much more going on with her than meets the eye. You just have to get to know her.

Turkey: I don’t really know her that well, but I’m really starting to like her. Those stories she writes are funny. I like the way she writes about me.

Pheasant: That’s only because the top three words she uses to describe you are “hot,” “sexy,” and “handsome.”

Turkey: What can I say? I’m a good-looking guy. Charming. Magnetic. Powerful. [He smooths back his hair] It’s hard to go wrong with a guy like me. I can see why she’s so captivated. And who can blame her? What woman can resist me? I’m the one in charge here. You might even say I have the biggest antlers of all the elk in the forest. [He stands there admiring himself in the mirror just a little bit longer]

Owl and Pheasant roll their eyes and exchange a look.

Pheasant: I don’t know. I’m not sure about her. I just don’t think I can trust her. She’s definitely a troublemaker.

Owl: Oh, she’s not dangerous. She just likes to stir the pot. Turn the heat up on whatever’s already been simmering for awhile, you know what I’m saying?

Turkey: I understand exactly what you’re saying. [He sits back and strokes his beard for just a moment] Perhaps a little Trouble is just what we need to brighten this place up. It’s been too much of the same for too long. We are all very bored, are we not, gentlemen? We need something to entertain us now that this dreary existence has become even more dull.

Pheasant: You have a thing for her, don’t you?

Turkey: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Pheasant: You definitely have a thing for her.

Turkey: I do not have a thing for her!

Pheasant: Yes, you do. I’ve seen the way you look at her.

Turkey: I’m not looking at her!

Owl: She has a thing for you too. I’ve seen the way she looks at you.

Turkey: She’s not looking at me!

Pheasant: And we’ve all seen the way she writes about you in her diary. You were just gushing about how much you loved it earlier, were you not?

Turkey: Uhhh…

Pheasant: Stop trying to hide it! Everyone knows! We make fun of you all the time.

Turkey: Everyone knows?

Owl: Yes. It is very obvious something has been going on between you two. Honestly, I’m not surprised. I predicted this outcome many years ago. Now, my prediction has come true, as many of my predictions are wont to do.

Pheasant: Look, I’m not saying you should get involved with her, but that girl desperately needs to get fucked. I have never met a more tightly-wound, high-strung, stuck-up, snot-nosed, elitist bitch in my entire fucking life. I would love nothing more than to see you take that insufferable cunt down by about fifteen fucking notches.

Turkey: Jeez, Pheasant, tell us how you really feel.

Owl: Good luck with that one. She is not going to make it easy for you.

Turkey: Whatever! No woman can say no to me! Not even that one!

Owl: She won’t say no to you, but she will say no to that wedding ring on your finger. Why would she settle for cold, leftover soup when she knows she deserves a full Thanksgiving feast? That woman right there is looking for a thousand reasons to say no. You have to give her a reason to say yes.

Turkey: Challenge Accepted.

Pheasant: Good luck, soldier. You’re doing God’s work out there. I mean that sincerely, because I can’t even begin to imagine going anywhere near her.

Turkey: Well, they don’t call me The Whoremonger for nothing!

All three birds laugh together.

The End