Currently watching a Hulu doc about Neurodivergence called “Sensory Overload.” I see myself in this picture and it’s definitely a journey to acceptance for me. I don’t like labels, but I am willing to take on the title of Neurodivergent in general.

The temptation to be angry is there. It’s there. Like, wow, look at these fucking assholes who were drugging neurodivergent children like me into oblivion for big yacht money. Look at my parents for buying into this garbage. Look at my family for vilifying me and scapegoating me instead of listening to me when all I could do was scream. Trash fucking people. It’s never been more obvious to me than it is right now that I was failed by every single adult in my life. Ugh.

I too was hoodwinked, bamboozled, Fyre Festival’d if you will. Ugh. We all were.

The desire to She Hulk Smash is strong. It’s strong. It’s really strong. Definitely feeling like I strongly identify with Godzilla in this moment. I just want to emerge from the sea in a spectacular fashion and start tearing shit up. However, I am a Yogi so I’ve learned how to go off alone into the cave and at least make the effort to let that shit go.

Okay, let’s just continue watching this doc and see what happens live. Let’s blog these reactions as I endure this very difficult part of my journey towards self-acceptance.

Yasss Burnett, I hear you and see you. That is literally my exact same experience in the workplace. Neurotypical people are crazy abou the weirdest shit. If I talk too much, it’s bad. If I don’t talk at all, it’s bad. It literally doesn’t matter what I do. It’s going to be bad. I also do not feel safe at any of my jobs because I know someone is going to come after me or make up some dumb reason to fire me or that the whole mob will surround me and destroy me.

Like what happened to me at Starbucks. The worst part of that situation at Starbucks was that it was other neurodivergent people and LGBTQIA+ that were targeting me! What the fuck! That’s the real reason I’m mad. The same people who get kicked around and bullied by neurotypical assholes are picking on people the exact same way and destroying their lives too. PATHETIC! And all that bullshit just so some C-suite asshole can tank the company and cash it out for millions and setting off to some tax haven on his yacht. You feel good about yourselves for playing into that system? Hmm? Do you feel good sucking up and playing these stupid games for nothing? Well, do you?

TALK ABOUT A MAJOR RAGE TRIGGER. So many reasons why I hate Starbucks. So many. Burn that shit straight to the fucking ground. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

*clears throat*

I’m getting hangry. I’m going to grab a snack, rewind so I can hear him give his whole spiel again without reacting strongly and making it about myself, and then re-engage until the next trigger inevitably explodes. Let’s work through this together and figure it out.

Watching it again just made me feel so much better about my difficult experiences at work. Finally, I don’t feel so alone. I thought there was something wrong with me. I knew it wasn’t bipolar. I knew it. I knew it along. It was so much more than just a mood swing. I was a fucking weirdo and everyone knew it! I would always get obsessed with weird, random things. For a time, it was people. I learned the hard way that’s not good or healthy, so I don’t fixate on real people anymore. Also, they’re never what I think they are. I’m just making up characters and stories in my head. To me, Bloody Mary’s is no different than my collection of Beanie Babies or Barbies or Pokémon. It is what it is.

I’m currently fixating on history, culture, and languages. Again. That’s always been the main thing. Well, not always. I definitely had a paleontology/zoology phase as a child. Maybe that’s why I so so bad at writing. I should be digging up dinosaur bones instead.

Okay, back to the doc.

Honestly, my main reaction to this is that neurotypical people just don’t get it and they never have. So I’m just not going to worry about what they think. Of course a proud neurotypical person like my grandmother, who is the most Normal of all the Normals, would be horrified by the idea of anyone running off to Hong Kong for any reason. Meanwhile, I see it as the greatest opportunity I’ve ever been given in a lifetime. I’ve always wanted an excuse to learn Chinese! Cantonese and Mandarin! Why choose when you can have both? It doesn’t phase me at all, lol.

Ugh, I can’t stand fluorescent lights. The noise thing doesn’t bother me as much anymore because I’ve learned how to calm my mind in the midst of chaos. Thanks, India! If you can’t hold it together there, there’s no hope for you anywhere, lol. I barely held it together while I was there, but I managed to do it. I finished my course and I became a yoga teacher. Now I’ve logged over 100 hours of teaching and led a Yoga Festival. So there!

Neurodivergent Smash! Mwa ahahaha!

Plug me in, Neo. It’s time for me to learn Kung-Fu. Download that shit straight into me brain. I am The One!

I can’t actually recall the history of Kung Fu off the top of my head. I need to pause the documentary so I can look it up on Wikipedia. This has nothing to do with anything. I just made a joke to myself, created a whole sidebar in my head, and now I can’t move on until I have found the answer to my question.

Ah yes, now I remember. This is like yoga with fighting and fabulous outfits. It’s been like 20 years since I’ve watched a Kung Fu movie, so I guess that will be a fun part of my research.

Okay, sidebar over.

Documentary on.

I like hearing about this guy finding purpose. I want to find purpose. I want this blog to have a purpose beyond being a dump site for nuclear levels of trauma.

Ah, so wonderful to know MAGA is actively destroying all of the progress we’ve made in this field. Don’t even get me started on the anti-vaxx garbage. I’m not Neurodivergent because of a fucking vaccine, you fucking assholes. Fuck all the way off with that ableist bullshit. Because why invest money in taking care of the neurodivergent population already here when you can just destroy everything for everyone?

So hard to have any respect for people like that. They don’t understand us, so they hate us and try to destroy us. Why? What does this destruction accomplish for anyone? I just don’t understand it at all.

That anti-vaxx crap is so dumb. Like, great, good job, now I’m neurodivergent AND dying of smallpox! Great! Just what we needed! You really fixed the problem there. Thanks again, lol.

I have no idea what my purpose is. I just know that when I look at the world around me, I’m seeing some real bullshit happening, and it’s not okay. I’m not okay with any of it. I just don’t know what to do or how to change it. I’m just out here ranting on my blog like a crazy person. No one is even reading it anymore!

Wow, I love this lady. She’s so sweet. I wish my mom was like her. My mom sucks. Ugh. It’s so hard to feel sorry for her. Once again, she has found a way to paint herself as the victim of my life story. This is what the whole “feeling sad for me” thing is about. She lost control over the narrative. She doesn’t get to say whatever she wants to control me anymore. She doesn’t get to scream at me and weaponize a fake diagnosis from 20 years ago against me anymore. She doesn’t get to threaten me. So of course now the story is that I’m selfish and abandoning her when she’s sick, or something, but at this point it’s impossible for me to believe her. She has a real history of using other people’s medical problems to gain attention for herself. She also has a history of using her own medical problems to gain sympathy for herself. She also has an incredibly long history of verbal, emotional, financial, and physical abuse towards me. There is no trust there. None. None at all. Especially after watching this documentary and finally understanding what’s really going on here. Somehow, this makes it even worse, because the possibility now exists that they refused to accept this as the first diagnosis and instead pathologized it as mental illness so they had a reason to sedate me into compliance. When I was literally a child!!!!!!

Icky! Wow! It’s so icky! This is the horror movie I didn’t know I was writing. Ughhhh. So icky. Wow. Just wow.

And these are the same people who wonder why I want to cut them all off and run away to start my life over in a foreign country far away from anywhere so they can never hurt me or my family ever again.

This is a tough pill to swallow. But I have to do it. I must confront the beast. Sober and serious. I am the beast.

Oh my god. Sorry, I had to pause again to re-read what I just wrote. It really is a horror movie. Oh my god. Oh my god! That is a crazy twist ending right there! Here I thought it was the boyfriends that were the problem. Turns out the real villain is a Munchausen Mom. Oh nooooooooooo!

I would watch this movie, though. Gotta back on that screenplay game, stat.

In hindsight, I did find the movie Carrie extremely triggering the first time I watched it. I was 100% on her side. I really was. I was like, “Is she supposed to be the villain? Because I’m pretty sure she’s not the villain.” Talk about a great example of the neurodivergent experience in media. They think we’re the villain because they take zero accountability for the fact that they are absolute monsters who literally tortured her into having a psychological breakdown. Team Carrie all the way.

Okay, Temporary Documentary Mom, I hear what you’re saying loud and clear. I went to Blockbuster and I purchased this trainwreck of a life story because it was absolutely mind-blowingly crazy, man, and it got great reviews and everybody is watching it and they can’t stop talking about it and I’ve seen it so many times I decided to take it home with me forever and add it to my DVD collection.

I’m down with this, fam.

Plot twist: The horror movie ends with sunshine and rainbows as she gets on the plane and flies to Hong Kong. Stay tuned for the exciting sequel: Neurodivergent Girlfriends in Hong Kong. 😉