Sunday morning. Cold and rainy. Ready for hot and rainy, lol. Or just hot all the time. If I never see snow again, it will be too soon.
Weekend was uneventful. The most notable thing that happened was that I wore a maxi dress with long sleeves downtown to sit on a patio and enjoy a tea. Apparently it was extremely upsetting for people to see this. I got a lot of glares and people standing near me making loud, insulting, passive-aggressive comments. As per usual. I could wear literally anything and I will always get this reaction, regardless of where I go in town. It’s SO annoying. I can’t wait to move somewhere where the standard of appearance is higher. I’m sick of being judged by sloppy people in sloppy clothes. Ugh.
Watching a special on AJE with a representative from Médecins sans Frontières about various humanitarian crises in the world. There really is a lot of bad news in the world today. I hate sitting here in my pajamas watching it all happen on TV without being able to do anything about it. I don’t know how much I can do when I’m in HK, but I’ll be getting the experience I need as a teacher in a completely new and different land. Perhaps then I can do something. Or maybe just teaching itself is the part I’m meant to play. I have no choice but to leave it to the universe and trust it to guide me on this journey across the world.
Working on cleaning out my closet right now. It’s harder than I thought because it turns out there’s a heavy emotional component to it I haven’t been acknowledging. Not only is there the guilt and shame of knowing all of it could possibly end up in a pile under the sea off the coast of Ghana, there is also the additional fact that I have used “retail therapy” as a means to fill the deep, dark, empty void inside of me for many years. Yes, I know the programming to Buy, Buy, Buy is all-present in my everyday life, but the emptiness inside of me from isolation is very real. I need to re-watch Marie Kondo and study how the people on that show deal with the emotional component of de-cluttering. I definitely need minor therapy for hoarding before I turn into my parents and have a whole McMansion’s worth of shit to clean out by the end.
The boyfriend is back. From where, we don’t know. He has one of those top secret security clearance government jobs he doesn’t talk about, lol. Also, he’s very hard to get rid of! He’s not afraid of me at all! I got mad at him for being lazy about planning and didn’t answer his calls for a week. When I finally did, he was very annoyed with me. I explained to him why I was mad, so he agreed to buy his plane ticket. I’ve noticed his general philosophy on relationships seems to be, “Happy Wife, Happy Life.” Finally, someone who gets it.
He only has to fly like 3 hours, so in his mind he can buy his ticket closer to the date and take care of it then. I already have everything planned because I’m packing up my whole life, helping my brother and cat move to a new city, getting on an airplane, flying 15 hours across the world, and then getting on another plane to a different country with him, and then getting on another plane to start my new job and my new life in my new apartment in a country that is totally and completely different from my country, his country, and the other country we are visiting in between. So, yeah, I have everything carefully planned out several months in advance because I have to. That’s why I’m getting so stressed out!
It’s probably good he’s more laid back because I’ve realized that I have weird control issues around certain things due to being raised by controlling people who get weird about certain things. Intergenerational trauma is so real. Break the Cycle. It’s a good thing I’m taking stock of this now before we have kids because I have sworn to myself never to be anything like my parents. I will probably be one of those people who gets super controlling about their education, but only in the way that I need them to have the absolute best in the world and refuse to settle for less. They can choose what they like to study, of course, but you know… there will be standards there. Three languages minimum. Mine, his, and one other. Things like that. Art, music, humanities, STEM, figure out which side of the brain they’re on and get them on the right path early so they can succeed in life. If they have mental health issues, which they probably will because that shit is genetic AF, they will get quality care. Things like that. Plan out their entire lives for them, give them options they like within that system, and make sure they’re as healthy as possible as they travel along on their life journey. Okay, great.
I might be thinking very far ahead here, but I’m 36 and that window is closing. I only have ten years left! That’s plenty of time. I’m just making plans for how to fill that window right now. Nothing wrong with that. This dude is already on-board with all of it. That’s probably why I feel a little bit safer when it comes to “nesting” with him.
Like I said, I’m taking stock of where the control issues are manifesting right now so I can harness their power for good instead of evil.
I need to re-do my website again. Getting rid of the Paris in South Dakota concept, which wasn’t a concept, and re-doing the whole project. Now I see what it is.
Excited to get out of the random thought dump pattern of writing. I finally have a real series of real articles taking shape. I know, it’s so late in the game. It might turn out that everything I’ve been working on in the last 10 years is worthless, which is hard to come to terms with. I guess I always thought I would be a real writer by now. I thought my life would look so different. But, ya know, considering the fact that I’m about to move to Hong Kong, I don’t think different is so bad.
Who knows what will happen in the future? I’m trying to plan for it over here while Trump is trying to WWE the entire planet. I guess we’re fighting with Russia now? I can’t be bothered to keep up with this season of The Apprentice. I’m too busy trying to GTFO before it’s too late. Nowhere is safe. I have accepted this.
I wish I could do something positive for the world instead of just sit here watching the world pass me by on TV. Sigh…
Off now. Will tool around with the website later. Cheerio.