Friday morning. Taught my yoga class, then came home to chill out and have a coffee.

Currently watching a doc on AJE about nuclear disarmament. Listening to Baby Boomers talk about watching the Doomsday Clock on TV and living under the threat of nuclear war everyday is pretty eye-opening. Definitely explains a lot about why everyday of this presidency feels exactly like watching that clock go tick tock, tick tock. No wonder it feels like we’re being held hostage in someone else’s cycle of trauma that Millennials like myself have desperately been trying to break through.

This is my new understanding of the concept of Liberation in Yoga. I’m not trying to dissolve into atoms and absorb into the flow of the universe. I’m trying to break out of the cycle of human trauma that has been passed onto me by generations of messed up people. Once we break free, we can change the world. We can all come together as one. Wow, Bob Marley and the Beatles make so much more sense now. Who knew?

Spiritual vibes.

I’m starting to understand more about why I always get Leadership whenever I do fortune telling. I might actually be onto something here. I still don’t know why anyone would follow ME, but that’s only because I’ve had that negative view of myself drilled into my head from the time I was young by people like my mom, sisters, aunts, and maternal grandmother. Ugh.

I sort of received an answer today. Only one person came to my yoga class today and she is also a teacher. Normally she teaches Pilates and other stretching classes, but she wants to teach Hatha yoga when I leave. I was so thrilled to hear someone wanted to take over for me. What a relief!

So instead of doing a flow, she asked me questions about some of the stuff I learned in India and I went over it all with her. I showed her different poses and we talked about the differences between Hatha and Ashtanga and how those get mixed up in the West. We talked about the different names and how those get messed up in the West. We talked about breath, transitions, all of the stuff. It was fun! I enjoyed doing a one-on-one workshop with her.

I was surprised by how much I knew, how much I had to say, how much information I had to offer. I was surprised that she was so interested in learning from me. A lot of people can be dismissive about India around here, so I was pleasantly surprised. I shouldn’t be surprised by how well I performed in this setting, but I also feel like 90% of my problem is low self-esteem and therefore I just don’t believe in myself. Like, at all. And that makes sense, given the fact that most of my life people have been cringing when they hear my name, excluding me from social groups, talking negatively about me behind my back, spreading rumors, leaving nasty comments on my blog. When you’re used to be ing treated like garbage by everyone all the time, that version of yourself becomes the reflection you see in the mirror.

For me, it manifested as the blonde girl in red with messy hair and smudged make-up covering up a black eye. I don’t see her when I look in the mirror anymore. I’m not sure what I see. I see myself. I see someone is growing and changing all the time, every day. I don’t know who I see yet, but I hope she grows up into the person I always dreamed she would be: fighting for justice on the frontlines of a growing humanitarian crisis.

Well, here I am now. I survived the cave. I thought the world was going to end, and I’m still here. I am reborn. I see the world as brand new again. This time, we’re not going to destroy it. We’re going to save it. We’re going to save Planet Earth. Just like in one of my favourite movies of all time (seriously): Independence Day. Only this time, it’s not aliens we’re fighting against. It’s… well… you know what it is. Let’s not ruin the vibe by getting political here.

How to spend my Friday today?

This is so weird, but I actually want to send a note to an Influencer I follow who lives in Bangkok. She is also American, an English teacher, and studied yoga in India. I found her videos about solo female travel in India on YT and watched them all in one sitting. Now I follow her Insta for the latest updates. There was an earthquake yesterday and the aftershocks hit Bangkok. She is a total stranger to me and I feel like it’s weird for me to randomly message her, but I really want to make sure she’s okay. I can’t even imagine how scared she must be!

Is that weird? That’s definitely a weird parasocial thing, right? Is it creepy if I do that? I am so awkward when it comes to social situations. If you have ever interacted with me in person and wondered, “Why is she acting so weird?” It’s because I’m overanalyzing everything other humans do all the time. I relate more to C-3PO than any other character in Star Wars. I am always confused and frustrated by human behavior and having a meltdown because I can’t understand. I’m sure there’s a name for that condition. What is it again? I don’t know. 😉 It doesn’t matter to me anyway. I don’t like labels. I prefer to say I am a human being, just like you and everyone else.

I think it’s okay if I just say, “Hey I love your channel! Just wanted to check in and make sure you’re okay after that earthquake. You don’t know me but I’m also a yoga/English teacher heading to SEA in a few months so I appreciate all the travel tips you put out there!”

Is that weird? I feel like it’s weird. There’s so much room for misinterpretation there. Like, I don’t want her to think I’m some crazy stalker. I just casually check her videos for practical information on traveling in India and SEA.

I don’t know, audience. Let me break the fourth wall here and ask you? Do you think it’s weird to message me and be like “I like your posts!” I admit I’ve had some creepy weirdo guys message me in the past that definitely gave stalker vibes. If both people are American women in the same career field who make similar content, is it weird?

I have no social grace. I think it’s fine. See what being a social reject has done to me? I have absolutely no idea how to interact with people now. How am I going to join a social club in Hong Kong? Oh gosh, it’s honestly my worst fear in the entire world. What if they hate me? What if they reject me? They always hate me and reject me! I can’t go through it again. But, I’m going to do it anyway. I’m going to live with roommates and join a yoga studio and join a social club and meet new people and try to make new friends even though I totally suck at it!

I’m going to be brave anyway, simply because… I have to be.

I just watched that footage of the building collapse in Bangkok again. Yeah, I’m definitely going to reach out and check in on her. She must be so scared right now.

Okay, I’m going to do that.

Lesson from your Yoga Teacher today: Reach out to people today. You never know when someone may need your support.