Just spent my day planning my back-up trip for when my boyfriend inevitably fails to show up at the airport in two months. You know, just in case the paranoia is real.

I just want to make sure I’ve already done all the research, already made a plan, and already have everything ready to go in case I have to change plans at the last minute. Now that’s all taken care of, so, anxiety taken care of. That’s how we do it, baby. Stay prepared.

Sigh. I don’t know. I thought we were on the same page and now… poof. He keeps disappearing and then he started hiding his stories and I’m like… I’ve played this game before, and I’m over it. Now he’s trying to call me again, and I’m just over here like… I just don’t understand these guys. Oh well. That’s their collective problem to fix, not mine.

I’m just like, whatever. I was feeling like it was a weird situation, and then I started writing it down and I started to wonder, “How much of this is actually real, and how much of this is me filling in the gaps when he disappears for days/weeks at a time?”

That’s when I realized… there’s a lot of me filling in the gaps. Then I decided I should plan a back-up trip just in case India doesn’t work out for me. So now that’s done, and I don’t have to worry anymore.

If he shows up and turns out to be real, great! If not, I’ve planned a whole solo side trip to blog about. Go me. Either way, I’m still moving to Hong Kong to teach English, so… like I said before… he’s really just dessert at this point. Whatever.

I guess I feel like… we were talking about this for awhile, so I did it, and I kind of expected him to just book the ticket immediately, and he didn’t, and then he started acting weird, and I just sat back and watched it happen live, like… not this shit again.

I’ve resolved not to worry about it. He can go join the Island of Lost Guys. This is my time to Find ME. I need to get out of Verm, go out into the world, do this crazy solo adventure across the globe, start this new job, start this new life, and just live without worrying about validation from family or men or anyone.

I think I just need to be single and not worry about this guy or any guy at all. That’s what I want. I just want a break from all of them. Let me learn to love me and appreciate me before you lock me up in your house and demand I cook you dinner.

I just keep looking at it like… beachfront hotels, old Portuguese forts, and amazing food… or meeting up with this guy who is suddenly starting to act weird now that I have made a plan to visit? Hmm. I think I choose Option A.

There you have it, ladies. That’s how you make better choices. Only took me two decades to figure that one out, but I did it! Go me.