I don’t know how to do this.

The pieces are all there in front of me, but I can’t put them in order.

I need someone there to help me. Like an editor or someone else who has been through it too and knows how to do it.

I keep hitting a wall with my writing because of this.

I can’t go any further on my own. I’m pushing it as much as I can, but I don’t know how to write this story.

It’s there. It’s all there. It’s so ugly and horrifying. Oh my god, the horrors that came flooding back to me after I repressed them for 20 years. All the things I saw. All the stories I heard. The things that happened to my friends. The people I knew who died. The people I knew whose lives were forever derailed. There’s so much. It’s like a nightmare come to life. And it’s all true. It’s all real. It really happened to us, and no amount of alcohol can ever make it go away.

I was so out of it on those medications. Who needs heroin when you’re drugged up on 1000+ milligrams of antipsychotics (that aren’t even legal to give to children under 18) every single day. I still can’t believe they let me drive a car while that drugged up, let alone around Northern effing Virginia. That is actually insane.

I never did heroin, but my friends did. I never did any of the drugs, but my friends all did. I always took to drink whenever I could get it. That was my thing.

It wasn’t until I was 30 that I tried the “bad drugs” for the first time. I microdosed mushrooms once or twice, in non-chocolate form. I tried MDMA once with a friend who was safe in the comfort and safety of my apartment. I tried cocaine once but absolutely fucking hated it. Ugh. It was the worst experience. Definitely not for me.

That was it for me. I stayed far away from opioids. I had no interest in them. My friend died of a fentanyl overdose. Another friend almost died after overdosing on oxy. My dad liked his post-surgery painkillers a little too much. I was also scarred for life by the movies Trainspotting and Requiem for a Dream. Now I’ve learned about the Opium Wars in China and Hong Kong and how Big Pharma has destroyed so many American lives.

I chose mushrooms again because I read the scientific studies and they gave me hope. I was struggling. I was in so much pain. I can’t even begin to describe to you the pain I felt carrying and repressing all of those horrible memories for so long.

I feel something inside of me has changed. I’m not afraid to speak anymore. They kept trying to silence my voice for so long. So many people have tried to silence my voice for such a long time. And it worked… for a time. I was silent. I was quiet. But now… I cannot be silent anymore. I have to tell this story. My story can help others.

I don’t know how to tell this story. I wish there was someone there who could help me find a way to tell my story.