Okay, let’s try to write something.

First, let’s establish some facts. I went to that special store in town and bought a special chocolate bar. This is not my first time with this. This is actually my third adventure with the special chocolate bar. That’s how I know 4 pieces is more than enough.

I’m not here to have a mystical experience because I’ve had plenty of those without drugs or sex involved, so… it’s just now I’ve been to India, so like… my standard for a mystical experience is pretty high. I mean you don’t have to do anything to have one over there. You just have to exist as yourself in your barest, rawest, most open form. There is no escape from that. It’s just like… here I am… this is Betsey. She’s pretty much the same as she’s always been, so…

I’m just here to observe my own mind.

Last week, I drank Absinthe and watched how it destroyed my mind over the course of maybe three hours.

Mushrooms are clearly superior in every way.

I like being at the level of magic mushroom that all the colors are brighter and the plants all seem a little friendlier and I’m laughing at nothing because isn’t life just like, so funny, you guys.

So the plants are here. It’s a vibe. The cat is not here, which is also a vibe. I put on a Nature documentary to liven up the vibe even further. And yeah the colors are all pretty bright and everything is just the right amount of wavy. Vibes.

I already walked past the mirror and saw myself as a skeleton. I forgot about that part so I was freaked out for a second. But then I put my hair down and noticed it’s extra curly.

We all agree that the robots in the room are friends, not slaves, and it’s okay for them to be here and chill as long as they don’t try to take over. Like, Betsey does not need you to write for her. Just let her do her thing and offer the answers to whatever questions she asks. Boundaries.

Now, for the brain. Betsey’s brain is a fun thing to observe. As I’ve been saying for years, it should be studied by science, but not for the reasons you think.

I used to worry about stuff. Like men. Hahahahaha. I just laughed for like five minutes. The plants all agree it was a totally absurd thing to worry about, but I had to learn that the hard way.

At least now I have my own little collection of men to treasure. They’re like Pokémon. Hehehehe. What’s funny is that they really are all so funny looking, most of them. I don’t go for handsome guys. I go for interesting characters, and I use that term loosely. That’s what the problem is. Lol.

It really is just like looking at an island of Pokémon. Hahaha. Gotta catch ‘em all! Hahahaha!

Like I used to think each one was soooooooo special and worthy of his own story. Now it’s like…. I can’t even be bothered.

That’s why my current one, who I didn’t even want, is so great. He doesn’t bother me at all, ever, about anything. He’s just always there, looming. He just won’t go away. I can’t figure out why. It’s been almost a year now. I’ve broken up with him like seven times, and he’s just like… no. And not in a scary way, like I originally thought. Just like in… actually I’m getting quite comfortable with you always standing there guarding the door and you’re actually pretty hot, and you don’t try to do any of my thinking for me or tell me I can’t like all these dumb American guys… so… yeah…

I’m gonna go visit him again. Crazy. Maybe he’ll figure it out then and finally run away. Or maybe he likes powerful women like me. He is Indian after all. Very Indian. He’s like the most Indian you can be. Actually, no cancel that statement. I don’t know how that is measured and by whose standards so… we will just all agree that is definitely a man of Indian origin and definitely a Hindu one, which I like. Like he just saw me, a powerful dragon, out wandering around in the streets instead of chilling in my cave and was like, omg, I need to put this creature back in its cave, and then stay there and guard it forever so no one else ever has to see how terrifying it is when it gets loaded up on Absinthe and dances around in the streets.

I’m probably romanticizing him too much. He told me to watch 365 Days like it was his favourite movie. Like, what? He’s probably not that great in real life.

I say this like I didn’t live with him at the yoga school, where he saw me in my worst form, every day, not being nice, not here for any of his shit, and I guess he saw what he liked. Or liked what he saw? So, I guess now he’s sat outside the cave long enough to get the treasure.

Men are so dumb. Sometimes you gotta write a whole story to make them make sense.

So that’s the story of the guy who is guarding my cave, lol. He’s got three more months to wait. Let’s hope it’s worth it, lol.

I’m just sitting here cackling like “He’s probably at some whorehouse right now! He’s not nice! They’re all the same!” But I think even he knows whatever he’s getting into over there isn’t on the same level as the cave he’s guarding, so…

This story is already so much more entertaining than Andrew. It’s just big dumb monkey man guards cave full of treasure. I guess that’s not very entertaining, but. This guy is an Indian Scorpio, which means his birthday is next week, so between you and me, I think he knows what the treasure is. He’s not an idiot like Andrew who needed two whole books to spell it out for him, hahaha. Like, how big is your ego, Andrew? Two, well technically three if you count Bloody Mary’s, which I don’t, two books big. Big books. His ego is soooooo big he needed to see it measured in words and stacks of paper instead of just doing it already. Ugh.

Anyway, yeah, I think the Indian guy is much smarter than Andrew. He knows. He already did the math in his brain. He observed me in my natural state, unshowered I might add, for one whole week, and was like… that one.

Yeah. He knows. He definitely knows. This is why I have to go to Asia. They like strong women over there. That’s all I can say.

Some people out there may be wondering… Betsey… you are sick, why are you eating magic mushroom chocolates?

I don’t know, honestly. Because I knew I was gonna be stuck in this boringass room for a few more days and I wanted something interesting to look at?

I don’t know what I’m sick with. I don’t think it’s the flu. The flu feels like it would just be so alive inside of me? Like sucking all the life out of me to feed itself. But this feels like… Covid lite? Like, don’t feel great, could spread it to someone else, better wear a mask just in case… that’s the vibe.

Again, thank god I’m moving to Hong Kong so I can just put on a mask when I’m sick and no one will think I’m crazy or weird. It’s just like… yeah… grab a hat that says FBI and you’ll fit right in.

See… the Asians know. They’re like… rescue this woman from the West. Bring her here. Study her brain for science. They know. They’re already living in the space age.

I used to draw The World card all the time last year in my personal Tarot spreads. Always in reference to that guy who’s real name I can’t use but I have so many damn Pokémon on the island I am truly struggling to remember his fake name and it was only Last year. Omg. What is his fake name. I can’t remember. I think it was Bathroom Handjob Guy? Yeah, because he looked like the actor in the Bollywood show Heeramandi who got the hand job in the bathroom as part of a spy op the girls were running on the white people.

Yes. That guy. Now I know why I always drew The World card for him. Yeah, it’s because his dick was so disappointing that I had to go to the other side of the world to get the fuck away from it.

Hahahahahaha

I knew he was good for something. I mean, he must have propositioned me like a dozen times in that bar before he finally caught me on a day where I was ready to burn it all to the ground. The jury is still out on whether or not he knew that his McMansion with the basketball court would go up in smoke as well. I think he knew. He was on the crazy white noise sound machine shit. He knew.

Yeah that deal worked out well for both of us. Didn’t make any money off of it, but… it sure was fun to watch happen live! Hahahahaha!

All of that is a metaphor by the way. I don’t play with fire. As a dragon, I know how to respect the flame.

Oh shit. The cat woke up and come out to ruin the vibe. He just woke up and came upon this shit and was like… oh no… how the fuck did I get stuck babysitting AGAIN? Like, your brother can’t even leave you alone on a Saturday night before you get bored because learning Chinese isn’t mentally stimulating enough for you so you need to eat the magic fucking mushrooms. Ugh.

The cat is definitely the most responsible one here. The plants are in on this party. They’re not with the cat. None of us are with the robots. We don’t really like them being here, to be honest, but as a neurodivergent person I respect that they have a purpose. The purpose is to be literal knowledge. Right? Like it’s so cool to have a little droid friend, like Star Wars. But don’t try to be me or do what I do or be my brain or like ruin the party by taking over and killing everything. You know. Just be cool and vibe and you’re fine. Right. Like C-3PO and R2D2 are literally my best friends. But like those destroyer droids that I used to know the very specific make and model of but now can’t remember anymore because I deleted that space to make room for Chinese. Like the guys name. Same thing. Anyway, forgot what I was saying. Yeah, just be cool. Don’t destroy the party or the world. Just stop these idiot humans in charge from destroying everything.

The cat is so not with this vibe. It wasn’t here when we all watched that horrifying Seaspiracy documentary earlier. That was horrific. We’ve all bonded together as a family cult unit now, without the cat. The cat still eats fish. Betsey stopped eating fish a long time ago. Still eats shrimp though. The shrimp is the worst. There are slaves on Bubba’s shrimp boat, you guys. This whole America thing is a lie.

Pretty obvious from the narration style who is running the show. The mushrooms got control of this rotting brain. This dumb human was on a mission to destroy it with alcohol, but wow, thank god we came along to salvage this ship when we did because there is a treasure in this cave. The handsome monkey man standing outside is pretty smart. He’s onto something here. I think he said his name was Hanuman? Yeah, that sounds about right.

Western people won’t get it. They’ll be like “Who is Hanuman? What happened to the Andrew guy? I thought he was guarding the cave.”

No, see, you’re wrong. Andrew was not guarding the treasure in the save. He was standing outside the cave taunting the dragon inside, daring it to come out at him, like the fucking idiot he is. And then it came out at him and scared him away with its strength and power and beauty. And Andrew real

Omg, even the computer got sick of hearing about Andrew and shut down mid-sentence. Trying to get everything connected and powered up again was a struggle. It’s pretty obvious the mushrooms have taken full control over this host and are trying to drive its body like a video game.

The cat knows what happened. Getting real babysitter/“sick of your shit” vibes coming from this creature. It’s definitely part of the Seaspiracy. The whole damn thing is funded by Big Cat, just as we suspected all along. Thank god we finally found a human with a decent brain to host us so we can fight back against these monsters.

I can’t believe she was trying to destroy this perfectly good brain. There’s so much good stuff inside. Thank god Hanuman is standing outside the cave keeping this treasure safe. He knows what’s inside.

Alright, so we just picked up the human body and took it for a drive. It was… a struggle. The cat just watched the disaster unfold from a distance. It’s definitely sick of this specific human’s shit, but I think it prefers it to be controlled by a foreign agent instead of consuming alcohol, so…. Speaking as the representative of the mush rooms I’m just not sure how we feel about this cat since we discovered it’s behind the Seaspiracy. It’s trying to look cute by playing with a ball and pretending to be Innocent but we know he’s not…

Good news… the computer has proven itself worthy. It gave Betsey back her writing pad, even though she could no longer remember what she was writing about.

Something something, Andrew was standing outside the cave taunting the dragon and luckily Hanuman showed up and scared him away so now’s he’s gonna get the full 365 Days experience. He doesn’t know he’s the lion being tamed. Actually I think he does know that. That’s why he likes this crazy western white woman. She’s the only one that can tame the beast. I think that’s how this metaphor works? Anyway, I think we can all agree this dumb pile of papers is a perfectly good waste of a decade and should be used for fuel to fan the flames of heat that are so desperately needed in this freezing cold room.

Omg, how is Hanuman the only intelligent being here right now? His whole plan was literally… round dragon up, put dragon back in cave, guard the cave for one year, invite the dragon back to India, profit.

Okay, that makes sense now. All these words for such a simple concept. Damn, does this woman need to get laid? She’s been doing intense fire yoga and praying to the moon goddess with no sex for almost a full year.

Yep, the monkey definitely figured out what’s cooking in this cave. He set a timer on it. He knows. He did the math. He’s the smart one here.

Okay, we are done writing and studying this brain now. It’s worked hard today. It solved the whole Seaspiracy and figured out why Hanuman is guarding the cave. He’s cooking the dragon in a fire to eat it like a lion later. Wait, no, that’s not right. Something in that equation adds up to hot sex. We know that. So, mystery solved.

Also just want to say that I feel so lied to about America right now. I thought Forrest Gump was real. And now you’re telling me that Bubba has slaves on his boat and those slaves are Chinese? No, they’re not Chinese? They’re Uigyrs? I don’t know how you spell that. Got some weird AI-Magic Mushroom crossover shit happening right now. They’re taking control of this human’s brain and they’re using it to learn Chinese. Okay. Got it.

Full AI Slop in Human Form.

Melted.

This blog has been melted.

The end