Currently sitting on a flight en route to DC. Going back home for the weekend. Again. I miss home all the time these days, even though it hasn’t been my home for about 15 years. Still, the feeling of familiarity never really goes away, especially when I’m in my old neighborhood, which is where I’m staying this weekend. Sometimes I wish I’d never left, but I know it’s better that I did. The only reason I can appreciate it now this way is because I left, and traveled, and lived a completely different lifestyle than the one I knew growing up.

I’m not writing anymore. Weirdly enough, I don’t really miss it. Maybe it will come back to me someday, but right now I’m focused on other things. Writing has always mainly been a tool for me to express my emotions. I don’t know if it’s actually any good. Too many mixed reviews. I need a break for awhile. After all, the person who was really pushing me to be a writer is dead, so now there’s no one around to do it anymore. It feels like most people in my audience have moved on. Nothing left to say. Nothing left to do.

Trying to figure out how I feel about my boyfriend right now. I guess… overall better about the situation? He didn’t get his visa to come here, which is good in a way because I just wasn’t ready yet. At least now I know for sure he is not trying to use me for a green card. I don’t think I was ever concerned about that. Other people put that fear into my head. I’m also realizing I project so much toxic crap onto him from my past relationships. I know it’s because I’m terrified of my picker going wrong again. Still, I’m glad we still have some time and space to get to know each other, because I’m 99% sure I would have married him if he’d come here. It’s only been 6 months, so it’s probably best to wait another 6 months at least before we make that commitment. We need more time to get to know each other better. But I am liking him more as I get to know him. There are some red flags behavior wise, but most of it is a “I see myself in this situation and I don’t like it” kind of thing. Drinking, drugs, bad choices, isolation, sadness, frustration, depression. I don’t know. I feel like we are in the same place in life and neither of us want to be in that place. We both want out. We both want a different life, a different future, a family and a home. It’s a different way of approaching a relationship for sure; Wanting to build something with someone even though it won’t be easy. Making the choice to stay with them and continue on even though the situation seems totally impossible right now. I suppose only time will tell…

Otherwise, life progresses as usual. Did my second yoga class audition. Got the job. Starting next week. So much effort for a side hustle that will not support me financially. Hilarious! Now I have to find another job that will actually financially support me. Great! No idea how the fuck I’m going to accomplish that, but at least now I have the TEFL certificate to put on my resume. Baby steps, I guess. I will consider myself lucky if I don’t end up homeless at this point. Millennial problems, I guess. “Just get the degree,” they said. Well, I got the stupid goddamn degree and nothing ever came out of it except bitterness, frustration, and misery. So, fuck off.