Tuesday. September. Been a minute since I wrote a throwaway blog like this. I guess I needed an excuse to try out my new Bluetooth keyboard. It’s okay, but it will take some getting used to.

Things have slowly been getting better. I made the decision to focus my yoga practice on regulating my nervous system so I stop having meltdowns over nothing. Spoiler Alert: It’s working! Why is it working? Because my brain is traumatized and therefore keeps me in a constant state of fight/flight/freeze/fawn. If I regulate my nervous system, my brain can stop and take a pause before deciding if it actually needs to turn on Protection Mode.

I know it’s working because I am about halfway through my intensive online TEFL certification course and I have successfully navigated all potential meltdowns away. Fabulous! Sure, I’ve had a few moments of imposter syndrome here and there, and my confidence definitely still needs a lot of repair, but otherwise it’s been going very well. I am teaching my first Beginner English class tonight in Practicum. Wish me luck! It’s just practice and the students volunteered to be in the class, so that makes it easier for all of us. The group chat is very supportive of one another, which is a massively refreshing change from just about every other experience I’ve had with school or group chats. It’s a relief to know there are still cool people in the world after dealing with so many ridiculous ones.

I’m excited to finish the class and use my combined TEFL & Yoga certificates to get myself a job on a beach somewhere on the other side of the world. After my brother moves in May, I will never, ever, EVER have to return to South Dakota ever again for any reason. I am thrilled! Just thrilled! WOO HOO! I have no idea where my next adventure will lead me, but I do know that anywhere else is better than here. Wherever I go for the rest of my life, I solemnly swear to myself I will never be as unhappy as I was living here.

Otherwise, lots of death in my life recently. Lost my favourite Aunt, after which I managed to lose all respect for yet another Baby Boomer Aunt who reared her ugly, self-centered, narcissistic head. Amazing how similar they all are. After that unpleasant conversation, I realized yet again that I have no desire to spend any time around my extended family whatsoever. Definitely makes packing up to move to a random country significantly easier. At this point, it’s just me and my brother vs all of them, so I’m just going to continue being as supportive of my brother as I possibly can. After spending a lifetime being screamed at every time I do something for myself (ie: travel, writing workshops, dance classes, languages, etc), I’ve realized just how easy it is to say, “Hey, I know you’ve got a big day today. I’m really excited for you. You’ve come so far. I’m so happy you finally get a chance to live your dream.” And then just not have a screaming meltdown that destroys their confidence, sends their nervous system into a dysregulated state, and ruins their day. If only my parents had known such a thing was possible. Then maybe I wouldn’t have had to stand there watching my mother hurl insults at me as she shut off the internet right before my final recital at my dance class. It’s really not that hard not to behave like an abusive jerk. Who fucking knew?

Very shortly after my Aunt died, Mad Dog finally left this world as well. Truth be told, I haven’t seen him in a few months. The last 7-10x I saw him, it was pretty bad. He was going downhill fast. I had to step away because it was too upsetting for me to stand around watching someone else I love die in front of me. We are having a ceremony for him in a few weeks, so I will be able to pay my respects. That’s all I have to say here. Not really interested in becoming “entertainment” for bored, drunk townies again. Make them wait for the Netflix special. It will be like Downtown Owl and Baby Reindeer got together and had a weird freak baby with wings and antlers and named it Mad Dog.

Speaking of all that, I’ve been spending most of my time locked in my house since returning from India. It’s easy to say you have changed after doing Ashtanga in the jungle heat for a month straight, but actually making change was easier than I thought. After going through all of that, I went back to my local lunch spot and had some conversations with some townies. I had a very clear moment where I was like, “Wow. I really don’t like any of these people at all. I have no interest in talking to them at all anymore. I’m so bored of this book and these characters. I’m ready for something new.” And then I just… stopped going out one day. Sometimes I still think about it, but then I realize it’s 9pm and that’s my new bedtime, lol.

My favourite lunch spot also mysteriously closed, so that also helps a lot. No idea what happened there, but it’s probably a good thing I can’t go there anymore. That’s a complete lie, by the way. I know exactly what happened there. I just… don’t care. I literally don’t care. If I want to watch a soap opera, I will turn on Netflix. I’ve completely lost interest in the many loves and lies of Downtown Verm. I only wrote Bloody Mary’s so I could stand up for myself against these local losers who turn the lives of everyone around them into nonstop soap opera drama. How did you feel when someone did it to you? Not very good, right? Yet I see that for all the endless whining and complaining, nothing around here has changed. In fact, the only person I can see making visible changes is myself, so, there’s yet another reason to completely disregard everything these people have to do and say.

I even went back there the other day just to see if I really did miss my curly fries as much as I thought I did. I did not. I do not plan to go back again should lunch be served again. It is what it is.

Sometimes I wish I had been able to stand up to my parents at age 18 and make all of my own life choices for myself. I never would have ended up in a craphole like this. Ugh. Well, unfortunately, we can’t change the past. We can only hang out in the present and hope for the best in the future. Currently, my present looks like clawing my way out of a bucket full of crabs, so that’s what I’m gonna keep doing.

Still seeing the guy I met at the yoga school. I like him. I don’t know why. Lol. Probably because he doesn’t play crazy mind games with me and there are none of the classic ups and downs that go with my usual relationships. He’s also not afraid of my “temper,” like at all. So when I get upset, he just gives me a bit of space and then comes back around a little while later to check in again. I asked him why he does that and he just says, “You are Scorpion. Passionate. I know you’re not mad at me. You just don’t like your life.” I mean, basically, yeah. Finally, someone who gets me. Not once has he tried to psychiatrize my emotions by labeling them as mental illnesses. He doesn’t call me a psycho or crazy because I had a bad day. He just says, “When we are married, I will bring you chocolate.” Again, thank god someone on this stupid planet finally gets me. I’m tired of being accused of having a personality disorder every time I have PMS or someone dies or I get bullied at school/work, especially by people who unapologetically display all the classic symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. After the conversations I’ve had with my family since my father died, I’ve been asking myself, “Who is really the sick one here?”

Projection: It’s A Thing.

Otherwise, our biggest issue is communication. Not in the sense of “we aren’t on the same page about the future,” because we very much are. I mean there is a literal language barrier between us. So I agreed to start learning Hindi for him. This sounds impossible and insane at first, but in reality both Hindi and English are in the Indo-European linguistic tree and can trace a common linguistic ancestor back about 6500 years. Also, if I can teach myself Portuguese, I can do anything, so yeah, Hindi doesn’t seem that intimidating, especially because I will finally have someone to actually practice with. I’ve already been watching tons of Bollywood anyway, so I got a dictionary, a few phrase books, and a handwriting practice book to teach me the letters of the alphabet. I’m going to start with learning the alphabet. My understanding is that once you learn the alphabet, it’s all just a scooter ride downhill from there. I’m excited to start. I’ve always wanted to learn a new alphabet system. Now I have a reason to do so!

Right now, he is planning to visit me here, but the visa process is actually insane. The amount of crap he has to go through just to get a 7-10 day tourist visa is actually insane. Eye-opening levels of insane. It may or may not happen, to be completely honest. If not, we will just meet up in a neutral country somewhere with lots of beach resorts that isn’t going to require him to give a literal blood transfusion to travel to. It’s all very complicated. Just endless piles of paperwork. This is our future together. Something about the fact that it’s an outside challenge we have to take on together makes it feel worthwhile.

We still talk about moving abroad together all the time. Right now he is asking me to come live with him in India for a bit. I’m thinking about it, to be honest. I mean, after I finish this course, I’ll be able to get a teaching job anywhere. He lives in a really nice, planned city with lots of things to do. He’s got a good job. I wouldn’t be totally alone in a place where I can’t speak or read the language. I’ve been there before. Idk. I’m thinking about it. At least it would move my GET OUT date up to January/December. And I do like him… more and more as we get to know each other over time. He finally agreed with me that he likes “dating” and “getting to know each other,” which is not really a concept he’s used to, as we learned from the Marriage Proposal one week into meeting me, lol. But, ya know, the ultimate end goal here is still marriage. I just needed more time to be sure. But yeah, that’s the truth. We want the same things, we have similar beliefs and values, and even though we are from opposite sides of the world, we still have more in common between us than is different. I think I’m just not used to dating a man who is so upfront about what he wants in life, and what he wants is me. Usually it’s endless mind games and ups and downs and feeling inadequate and neglected and wondering what I’m doing wrong all the time and generally feeling unworthy while he cheats and lies and calls me “crazy” for getting upset about it. I’ve been through that so many times at this point. I’m very happy to be in a boring, predictable routine right now. It’s awesome. Boring and stable is the way to go!

Going back to DC this weekend. Meeting up with a friend from childhood and a friend from university. Should be a good time. My flight is booked but I’m still waiting for hotel prices to drop below $200/night. So ridiculous and absurd. Over it. Anyway, it will be nice to go home and hit the reset button again. Every time I go back there I can see Mufasa in the clouds saying, “Remember… Remember who you are.” Lord knows I need that after everything that has happened in the last 2 years, which is about how long it’s been since I’ve been back home. Can’t wait to rent a bike and ride it down the National Mall. That’s my new favourite tradition when I go home. So many happy memories along the Mall. Memories of family, friends, protests, events, concerts, field trips to the museums, weekend trips to the Zoo, riding on the Metro, sneaking out of my house in the middle of the night to drive into the city with my friends. All of my happy memories I keep safely locked away from the world.

I have to get going now. Gotta get ready for my class today. I have to spend the afternoon reworking my lesson plan and then teach tonight. I’m fucking terrified to be honest. So much anxiety. I just have to jump this really high hurdle and then everything will be much easier from here on out.

Wish me luck. I am out here doing the damn thing. I tried and failed a year ago, but now I’m right back here trying again with success in sight. See what happens when you don’t take advice from angry comments written by anonymous strangers? Amazing.

Off to school now! Have a good day!