On today’s episode of Island Hunters…
BETSEY: Hi! My name is Betsey! I’m a Writer Extraordinaire from Washington D.C. I’m looking to purchase an island in Belize where all of my Lost Guys can live.
REAL ESTATE AGENT: What are you looking for in an Island Paradise?
BETSEY: When I think of the Island of Lost Guys, I think of space. Lots of space. I want them to be comfortable, you know? I see a nice big beach house with a pool and a dock for a boat. I definitely want trees so they can hang up their hammocks, and a huge dining room/chef’s kitchen so they have somewhere to eat. I won’t be cooking for them, of course. I plan to hire somebody for that.
As far as bedrooms goes, they’re boys so they can bunk up if necessary. I’m thinking maybe 10 bedrooms, 15 at the most. As many bathrooms as possible, because they are men, and men are just… disgusting. I fully plan on providing 24-hour on-site staff to clean up after them. I really want to make them to feel at home.
Budget wise, I’m looking to spend about $13 million. I know it’s Belize and the exchange rate is cheaper, so I’m willing to take on a fixer-upper. I have a feeling it’s going to take some time to get all of them together anyway.
REAL ESTATE AGENT: Well, that’s all very reasonable. After some searching, I’ve found the perfect Island Paradise for you! It has everything you’re looking for, and it’s only $1 million. It’s a bit of a fixer-upper, but it’s got everything you need. Doesn’t it feel good to take advantage of third world tax havens?
BETSEY: It sure does! I love Capitalism! Now let’s update this mansion! I’ll paint it some bright colors, get some nice furniture, hang up some hammocks, install a home theatre with surround sound and all the latest video game systems. Servants to cater to their every whim, a chef to cook them whatever they want, a maid to clean up after their mess. Whatever these guys want! Their wish is my command!
REAL ESTATE AGENT: Say, just what are you planning to do with your Island Paradise anyway?
BETSEY: Now that I have this Island Paradise, I’m going to invite all of my ex-boyfriends, muses, and former love interests to stay here. There’s only one catch… none of them have any idea they’re secretly being filmed for America’s Next Great Reality TV Show™. Let’s tune in and see what happens next…
The opening credits roll. A private jet lands on a remote island somewhere off the coast of Belize. Off step a bunch of wildly different but equally attractive men. Area Codes by Ludacris plays in the background.
THE LOST GUYS, in order of appearance:
- THE GENERAL, a sexy former Jedi Knight, played by Ewan McGregor
- THE PERSIAN, a greasy used car salesman
- HENRY WILLIAMS, a handsome young French teacher
- MERRICK, a seductive, gothic vampire
- BEAR, Merrick’s First Best Friend
- RYAN, Merrick’s Second Best Friend
- TEA, an alcoholic
- DOUBLE D, a drug addict
- TOM, an actor specializing in villainous roles
- THE FRENCHMAN, a suave rando picked up on the streets of Paris
- THE PRINCE, a scoundrel and a cad
- DUKE, Tom’s cranky older brother
- LEO, a washed-up, old actor
- ANDREW, the sexy Owner of Bloody Mary’s Bar
THE LOST GUYS arrive on the Island and get settled into their rooms. They break into the open bar by the pool and begin their ceremonial rituals of fraternal bonding.
After a round of Halo gets a little too heated, THE PERSIAN gets voted off the Island. After an intense, rum-fueled argument escalates into a fight in the backyard, THE PRINCE gets escorted off the Island by the police. TEA and DOUBLE D choose to leave in order to make better lifestyle choices. BEAR and RYAN follow MERRICK around everywhere he goes. THE FRENCHMAN and HENRY WILLIAMS were just here on vacation. DUKE is only here for the food. LEO couldn’t make it due to scheduling conflicts.
That leaves THE GENERAL, MERRICK, TOM, and ANDREW. They all get along harmoniously, until the subject of BETSEY comes up. That’s when the real contest begins.
TOM: I’m her favourite! She loved me so much, she was stalking me!
MERRICK: Oh, please. She was “stalking” all of us. That doesn’t count. It’s part of her job.
ANDREW: I think we can all agree that I’m her favourite. Just look at the way she writes about me. It’s so obvious she wants me the most out of anybody.
MERRICK: Woah there, pretty boy. You’re not her favourite. I’m her favourite.
ANDREW: Yeah? You think so? She comes into my bar almost every single day.
MERRICK: Just because she likes your bar doesn’t mean she likes you.
ANDREW: You think just because you sparkle in the sun you’re some kind of hot shit?
MERRICK: I am hot shit. You wouldn’t even believe how much money I make.
ANDREW: You wouldn’t even believe how much money I make.
MERRICK: You think you’re a big deal just because you own some bar in Small Town, South Dakota? Who are you, anyway?
ANDREW: I’m a bigger fucking deal than you are. I own my own business, mother fucker. I oversee a historic property. Meanwhile, you’re up to some kind of shady shit doing military contract work. Your job only exists because my hard-earned tax dollars are paying for it.
MERRICK: Sounds like the joke’s on you, asshole.
ANDREW: Yeah? You wanna dance, douchebag? I can take on some East Coast pussy like you.
MERRICK: You think so, Pretty Boy? One punch in the face and you’re straight outta the game!
ANDREW: Not if I rip your dick off first! What have you got left after that? Your charming personality?
MERRICK and ANDREW get into the Classic Alpha Male Struggle for Dominance.
Meanwhile, BETSEY and 20 of her closest friends are watching the scene unfold from her home theatre on the island next door.
BETSEY: This was the best investment I’ve ever made. Worth every penny. 10/10, would buy again.
ALL 20 OF BETSEY’S CLOSEST FRIENDS: Agreed.
Cut back to MERRICK and ANDREW fighting.
MERRICK: You don’t even know her that well! You’re too busy talking to everyone else in the room!
ANDREW: I know her plenty well! You wouldn’t even believe how drunk I’ve seen her get before! That’s when her real personality comes out!
MERRICK: That may be, but you don’t know her the way I know her. I’m The Best She’s Ever Had. I got two words for you, bro: Vampire Sex. You don’t even know what that means.
ANDREW: I don’t want to know what that means. I’m sure I can show her plenty of things she’s never seen before. She doesn’t even know anything about South Dakota. I could show that bitch The World.
MERRICK: Sounds like a whole lot of Talk and not a whole lot of Action. Pretty typical for a Politician if you ask me. You don’t even know what you’re missing, bro.
ANDREW: Just looks like I’m missing a bunch of Crazy.
MERRICK: You don’t even know. She is tame around you. All she does when she’s around you is sit down, shut up, and write in her fucking notebook. I’ve never seen her act like that around a man before. You should’ve seen what she did to me. She lay waste to the small town in Maryland where I’m from. She dated both of my best friends. And on top of it all, she was the best sex I’ve ever had. That bitch is fucking crazy, but if I could fuck her again, I totally would. She’s just that good.
ANDREW: [raises one eyebrow with intrigue] Really?
TOM: Hey now, don’t talk about her that way.
EVERYONE: Shut the fuck up, Tom!
MERRICK: Don’t even get me started on you, Farm Boy. I could kill you after what you did to her. You’re lucky she asked me to spare your life, or you wouldn’t even be standing here right now. You’re not even worth my time. At least Pretty Boy here would put up a decent fight.
ANDREW: I’ll show you what a real man looks like, you little vampire bitch.
BETSEY: Okay, everybody, that’s enough fighting over me for now. My ego has been stroked enough. It’s time for everyone to cast their vote for the winner of Last Muse Standing.
Everyone casts their vote. The results are placed into an envelope and delivered to BETSEY. She flies to the island next door and makes a spectacular entrance in a stunning evening gown. MERRICK and ANDREW look at her with sparkling eyes. Both are equally confident they are going to win.
BETSEY: Gentlemen, thank you for coming to my island. This has truly been one of the most entertaining stories I’ve ever dared to write. I want to thank both of you for continuing to inspire me every day. Merrick, thanks for the hot sex! Andrew, thanks for letting me back into your bar. But there can only be one.
The tribal drum music grows louder and more intense. MERRICK and ANDREW look at each other tensely. BETSEY enjoys watching them fight over her a little too much. Finally, after a painfully long commercial break from our corporate sponsors, the suspense is over.
BETSEY: And the winner of Last Muse Standing is… THE GENERAL!
ANDREW and MERRICK are equally shocked. THE GENERAL smirks and struts to the front in black leather pants. BETSEY fawns over him for awhile before presenting him with a pair of golden panties.
BETSEY: Congratulations, sir. You really are my ultimate inspiration.
MERRICK: I don’t understand! Why the hell did this guy win? He’s not even real!
THE GENERAL: Fool! She’s been writing my screenplay since she was 13 years old. She’s gone through at least 20 drafts. It’s only now just getting good. You think she’s not using every minute of her limited spare time to plot ways to use her family Hollywood connection to J.J. Abrams? She’s writing it for Ewan McGregor. There’s no way he’s gonna say no.
ANDREW: Now that’s Crazy.
THE GENERAL: We’ll see who’s got the last laugh, Pretty Boy.
THE GENERAL takes BETSEY by the arm and leads her back to the helicopter. They take off and fly away into the sunset, together at last.