SCRIPT: Tom vs Andrew

Betsey is sitting out on her front stoop writing in her notebook. Luckily, right at that moment, Tom de la Salle appears out of nowhere. He hands her a pounder of Miller High Life and sits down next to her.

Tom: How are you Betsey?

Betsey: I’m just dandy. Dreaming about Paris, as per usual.

Tom: That’s all you ever do. Why haven’t you gone yet?

Betsey: The time wasn’t right. I had unfinished business here to clear up first.

Tom: I see.

Betsey: And how are you?

Tom: Same old, same old.

Betsey: That sounds terribly boring. You should go be an actor. And then be in my movies.

Tom: I’m considering it. But first, I must ask you a very important question.

Betsey: What’s that?

Tom: Are you in love with me?


Tom: So, that’s a no, right?

Betsey: Right. I just think of you as a friend. I mean, I do love you, I’m just not in love with you. You know what I’m saying? I thought it was the same, but I was wrong. It’s like, you’re the movie star whose pictures I cut out from magazines and pasted all over my wall because I was totally obsessed with you. And then Andrew broke into my apartment when I was out of town and pasted little cut-outs of his face over yours. And then he put up a big sign next to it saying “Vote 4 Andrew!” And Duke was standing there watching him judgmentally the entire time.

Tom: Uh huh. And did you vote for Andrew, Betsey?

Betsey: Yes. Yes I did. I voted for Andrew so hard. I voted for Andrew over and over and over and over again. And then I voted for him again. I voted for him so many times, I straight-up committed voter fraud. And then I went back and committed voter fraud again, just because I wanted him to win. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t help myself. He’s the best candidate. And that’s how I feel about Andrew. I would definitely commit voter fraud for that guy. All day, every day.

Andrew sticks his head out from behind the stairwell door, where he’s been listening in the entire time.

Andrew: Yeah, I’m The Greatest.

Betsey promptly stands up, holds up her can of beer like a microphone, and starts singing vaguely off-key.

Betsey: Look how he lights up the sky, Ma Belle Evangeline. So far above me, yet I know his heart belongs to only me. Je t’adore, je t’aime, Evangeline. You’re my King of the Night, so still, so bright. That someone as beautiful as he could love someone like me. Love always find a way, it’s true, and I love you, Evangeline.

Andrew: Yeah, I’m The Star.

Tom: Did you just dedicate a Disney song to him?

Betsey: Yeah. It’s from The Princess and the Frog. It’s set in New Orleans.

Tom raises his eyebrow.

Betsey: What? He has kids. He’ll have to watch it someday.

Andrew: [obliviously] Yeah, I love New Orleans. To-go cups are my thing. I’d fight a hurricane to live there. I’d punch it right in the face.

Betsey: And then the hurricane would be like, “Oh my god, I’m not gonna fight that guy! He’s way too sexy for me!” And then it would just blow away. The End.

Andrew: Yeah!

Andrew smooths back his hair and stands on one leg. Betsey looks up at him with sparkling eyes. Tom looks back and forth between them with The Signature de la Salle Look of Judgment.

Tom: Seriously?

Betsey: [sighs dreamily] Yeah. Seriously.

Tom stands up and finishes his beer in one gulp. He hands the rest of the six-pack over to Andrew.

Tom: Well, glad I found someone to take care of her for me. You’re a far better man than I. Good luck, soldier. I mean that sincerely.

Andrew looks down at the beers in his hand and scowls.

Andrew: I’m not drinking this shit!

Andrew promptly hands the beer to Betsey. He calls over some random guy walking down the street and hands him a $10 bill.

Andrew: You! Peasant! Go and get me some PBR, The Official Sponsor of Bloody Mary’s Bar.

Random Guy: [stares at Andrew in confusion] Dude, are you on drugs right now?

Andrew: No, but I did a lot of acid when I was younger and the weirdness never went away.

Random Guy: Got it.

Andrew: So are you going to go get me my beer, or what?

Random Guy: I mean… yeah. Okay. Sure. I was on my way down to the gas station to pick up a box of cancer sticks anyway.

Andrew: Great. Keep the change.

Random Guy: Thanks.

Betsey turns to Tom as the Random Guy walks off down the street.

Betsey: See what I mean? He’s amazing.

Tom: Sure he is, Betsey.

Andrew glares at Tom and promptly shoves him off the stoop. He drapes his arm around Betsey possessively.

Andrew: Okay Bye Felicia! Time for you to go home now! Thanks for playing! Sorry you didn’t win like me!

Tom shakes his head and grins at Betsey. He walks back over to Bloody Mary’s Bar and disappears inside.

Andrew: Yeah, you’re my Writer Extraordinaire.

Betsey: 😍😍😍

Luckily, right at that moment, Mad Dog pulls up to the curb in a classic, baby blue Thunderbird convertible.

Mad Dog: Get in, losers! We’re going to Belize!

They hop in the car and drive off into the sunset.

The End

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