SCRIPT: The Homework Assignment

On the Monday morning after Homecoming Weekend, Andrew appears at Betsey’s front door. He comes in carrying a picture of the partially-complete mural on the patio of Bloody Mary’s Bar, unofficially titled “The Betsey Horton Wall of Unwanted Opinions.”

Andrew: Hey, do you want to play a game?

Betsey: What’s the game?

Andrew: It’s called, “Andrew didn’t complete his homework assignment on time.”

Betsey gives him the side-eye.

Betsey: Uhh, okay… and why didn’t Andrew finish his homework assignment on time?

Andrew: Because it was Homecoming and he wanted to hang out with all of his friends.

Betsey: Uh huh.

Andrew: And he didn’t start it on time because he thought he could finish it in one week. But then the form got lost in the mail, and his dog ate it, and it started raining non-stop. And that’s why he didn’t finish his project on time.

Betsey: Well darling, I’m sure no one really noticed. After all, you’ve managed to completely eliminate college students from the equation, so the only people hanging out there now are old. I heard alumni complaining about it all weekend! You really need to do something about this situation because the people are not happy. We need the kids there to make us feel young again. No one wants to go to their favourite college bar on Homecoming Weekend and see a bunch of old people. It makes them feel sad and old! We don’t want to feel sad and old! We want to feel young and fun! That’s why we want to see college kids there making new crazy memories so they can come back someday and be sad and old! For heaven’s sake, darling, get over your Good Ol’ Boys Club Tradition shit and back on The Thirsty Scholar! That’s what the people really want!

Andrew: [obliviously] Yeah, so like… are you gonna fail me now, or what?

Betsey giggles to herself and shakes her head. She stands up, puts on a pair of fake glasses, picks up a ruler, and glares at Andrew sternly. This is how she turns herself into Liz.

Liz: Well, Andrew, it was your mid-term project. It’s 40% of your grade. I’m just not sure how you’ll manage to make a come back after failing this assignment. It was an essential component of passing the class!

Andrew: Is there anything I can do? Maybe some extra credit?

Liz: Hmm, I dunno Andrew. I don’t usually offer extra credit to people who couldn’t complete their assignments on time just because they were partying on Homecoming. What makes you think you’re so special?

Andrew: [smiles up at her shyly] Because I’m sexy? And you’re sexy too?

Liz: [thinks about it for a moment] True. What did you have in mind for extra credit?

Andrew: What if I took you on a field trip?

Liz: To where?

Andrew: Pound Town, USA.

Liz: And what is the purpose of this field trip to Omaha, Nebraska?

Andrew: To show you everything I’ve learned from reading your website?

Liz: [stands there and thinks about it for awhile] Hmm… as tempting as your offer is, I don’t believe in taking advatange of my institutional power over desperate youths. I think if you want to pass this class, you need to get your shit together and show me that you’re serious. You need to show me that you really care about the legacy of Bloody Mary’s Bar. Make it young again and bring it back to life. Seriously, no more of this private old men’s club bullshit. That’s not what The People want. If you want to be successful, you have to consider what the people want.

Andrew: But… but… my wife makes me stay at home with the babies all the time and she doesn’t take my job seriously and she just wants to move back to Vermont and be at her job. And she is just so hard on me all the time and nothing I do is right and I have so much to deal with at home that when I come to work I have no energy left. I’m just exhausted all the time and I don’t want to deal with anything else. That’s why the bar has gone completely downhill since I got married! Because I’m miserable in my marriage and trapped with no way out! I loved this bar once. Really, I did. But now I put all my love elsewhere, like the perfect landscaping on the perfect front lawn of my perfect house, which feels more and more like a beautiful prison every single day.

Liz: Wah wah wah. I don’t want to hear any more of your whining and complaining about how miserable you are, Andrew. If you can’t balance your miserable home life with owning a business, then maybe it’s time for you to retire. Go on, do it. Give up your life here and move to Vermont. Let me take over the bar. Let me make it young and fun again. Let me do all the work that you can’t be bothered with because you’re putting all your time and energy into being somebody you’re not.

Andrew: But I don’t want to move to Vermont!

Liz: Then get divorced.

Andrew: But–

Liz: Andrew, I really don’t have time for this. Do your job well or not at all. Stop making excuses for all your half-assed, lazy bullshit. I don’t want to hear it anymore. I love that bar. I really do. I love it with all of my heart and soul. Nothing pisses me off more than watching you destroy it because you can’t admit to yourself how unhappy you really are. And for you to kick me out of there because I wasn’t afraid to call you out on your bullshit is especially rich. Jesus Christ, Andrew, just get your shit together! Ugh!

Andrew: [sits there in stunned silence] Wow, you really do make a good sexy teacher fantasy. I really feel like I learned something today.

Liz: [giggles] Oh thank you, darling. I try.

Andrew: Yeah, so can we do the sexy part now, or what?

Liz: Uhh… I guess…

Andrew: Great!

Andrew gets up and leans over the desk. He turns around and looks up at Betsey with a smirk.

Andrew: Are you gonna fail me now?

Liz: [smacks his ass with the ruler] Oh, I’m totally gonna fail you! You’ve been a bad student, Andrew! Now it’s time for you to take your punishment!

Andrew: Oh please, no! Don’t fail me, sexy teacher lady! Please!

Liz laughs maniacally and smacks his ass with the ruler again.

Audience: Wow, wtf did I just read?

Betsey: Oh, sorry, you’re right. This is kind of awkward. Just know there’s been like 700 pages of prior character development to get both of us to this point. Don’t worry. It will all make sense once you read the entire book.

Audience: Okay, cool.

Liz promptly closes the curtain and goes back to the “game.”

The End

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.