SCRIPT: The Bloody Mary’s Christmas Party

Betsey is sitting at Bloody Mary’s Bar listening to the employees talk about their annual Christmas party, traditionally held on Super Bowl Sunday.

Rat-Rat: Yeah, I got soooooo wasted last night, you guys. It was crazy! First I took like seven shots of jag, and then I did a body shot, and then I tried to drink all of the taps and failed. It was so crazy. It was just, like, the craziest. So crazy. I was so wasted. Did I mention how wasted I got? Because I was totally fucking wasted.

Betsey: Wow, that’s the coolest fucking story I’ve ever heard. Can you tell it again? Do you have time?

Rat-Rat: Ugh, shut up, Betsey. No one cares what you think!

Betsey: No, seriously, I want to hear your story again. Tell it again. It was so cool and interesting. Please, tell everyone how awesome your party was.

Rat-Rat: Actually, it was awesome. It’s too bad you missed out because nobody likes you. We got so fucking wasted.

Betsey: How wasted? Like on a scale of 1-10.

Rat-Rat: It was like a 7. Good thing you’re not welcome or you would’ve ruined the entire experience.

Betsey: Yeah, because I really want to be the kind of person who talks about how cool I am because I just got, like, so wasted last night, you guys. So wasted.

Rat-Rat: So wasted.

Betsey: Wow. That is so interesting. I honestly can’t think of anything I’d rather listen to than a story about how drunk you and a bunch of other people I don’t like got at your employee Christmas party. All the stories in the world and that was the most interesting one I’ve ever heard. Amazing. Just amazing. Consider me rendered speechless with awe.

Rat-Rat: Yeah, it was so awesome. You wish you were there.

Betsey: Yeah, totally. I’m so sad I missed out on watching a bunch of douchebags I don’t even like get drunk at a sports event I could care less about. So sad. I can’t think of anything I’d rather write a story about than that. It is literally just the most interesting thing ever. Really.

Rat-Rat: You’re just jealous of us because everybody hates you.

Betsey: Yep. That’s it. I’m jealous of your super interesting story about getting wasted at a bar. So jealous. I am just burning up with rage right now listening to someone I don’t like talk about how wasted he got with a bunch of other people I don’t like. Crazy.

The Rat-Rat rolls his eyes and promptly goes down into the basement to suck Andrew’s dick. Meanwhile, Betsey gets up from her seat and starts chatting up yet another old man.

Old Man: You wanna hear a real story now?

Betsey: I sure do! Whatcha got for me?

Old Man: Well, this one time, back when I was in the Vietnam War, my platoon and I saved an entire village from enemy forces.

Betsey: [leans in to listen closer] What!!! Please, sir, tell me more.

Old Man: Oh, I don’t like to go into too many details. It was horrible. We lost a lot of good men that day. Good men, good men. Family men. Men who were forced into a meaningless war that no one wanted or asked for. We didn’t even know what we were fighting for. All of us just wanted to go back home and see our friends and families again.

Betsey: Oh my gosh! That’s so awful. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Old Man: Well… it wasn’t all bad. I met a very beautiful young lady when I was over there. Married her and brought her back with me. We have three kids now, all full grown. I’ve got pictures if you’d like to see them.

Betsey: Yes, please.

The Old Man takes out his wallet and starts showing her old photographs.

Old Man: This one’s Jack. He’s a lawyer. And this one here is Amy. She looks just like her mom! She’s a doctor. And this one here is Jenny. She’s more of the traveling artsy type. I don’t really know what she does. She’s always changing it up. All I know is that she’s talented. Just look at these paintings she’s done.

The Old Man looks down at his photos with tears in his eyes.

Old Man: I’m just so grateful every day that I made it out of that war alive and met my wife. We’ve had such a beautiful life together. And to think all of it was born out of death and destruction.

Betsey: Wow. That is so beautiful. Thank you for telling me your story, sir. I’m so grateful to you for taking the time to share it with me. Talking to old people really is the best. Ya’ll have the best stories. Thank you again.

The Old Man buys Betsey a drink and they sit there conversing for a little while longer. He tells her a few more interesting stories before she finally gets up and leaves. She walks away from Bloody Mary’s Bar with full confidence she hasn’t missed out on anything.

The End

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