SCRIPT: Strange Behavior

After several mean posts, no stories for two weeks, an entire day spent watching Betsey talk to other guys at the Office, and a story referencing her Saturday night hook-up with a hot beefcake, Andrew is feeling a little more neglected than usual. It seems the shortage of attention he has been receiving in his life is upsetting him. He walks into Bloody Mary’s Bar with a bone to pick. As per usual, the bar is full of men with a sprinkling of women. Right away, he spots someone in the crowd of immediate interest. He walks right up to him and puts his hand on his shoulder.

Andrew: Hey Joe, how you doin’ today?

Joe: Uhh… good… I guess. It’s been a long week. You know how it is. School and all.

Andrew: Yeah. So… uh… how did the rest of your day go yesterday?

Joe: Umm… good. I just hung out with Betsey some more and met up with a few other friends later.

Andrew: Yeah? And how did that go?

Joe: I mean, we just drank a lot. That’s kinda what we do.

Andrew: Interesting. Yeah. So. Anything going on there?

Joe: Well our friend came in from out of town. She’s actually here now. You know Sarah! She’s in the bathroom right now but-

Andrew: Yeah, yeah, whatever. You guys meeting up with Betsey later or what?

Joe: Uhh… Maybe. She said she’d come out today but we got into an argument when we were drunk last night and she threw me out of her apartment, so who knows.

Andrew: So you didn’t spend the night with her?

Joe: Uhh… it’s not really like that. Betsey and I are just friends. Wait a minute, why are you asking me so many questions about her?

Andrew: No reason. No reason at all.

Joe: O…k….

Luckily, right at that moment, Sarah returns from the bathroom to save Joe from further questioning. Andrew says hello to her and quickly walks away.

Joe: Well, that was weird.

Sarah: What was?

Joe: He was asking a lot of questions about Betsey.

Sarah: Really?

Joe: Yeah. He was acting weird all day yesterday when we were hanging out too.

Sarah: Huh…

Both of them look at each other at the same time.

Joe: I thought she was delusional!

Sarah: I did too!

Joe: But it’s real! It’s actually real!

Sarah: [nodding her head intensely] Yeah… it’s actually real.

Both: OH MY GOD!

Dramatic music plays.

Meanwhile, Andrew has moved on to a different table. Three women are sitting there having a casual drink. Andrew has seen Betsey hanging out with them at the bar several times before.

Andrew: Hey ladies. How you doin’ today?

All three women stare at him with raised eyebrows. They all know who The Boss is, but he’s never taken time out of his day to say hello to them before. They are especially suspicious since Betsey has made multiple mentions of “Andrew” acting strange around her recently.

All Three: Good…

Andrew: Yeah. So. Is Betsey meeting up with you here later, or what?

Tonya: Well, we didn’t invite her, so.

Jaina: Yeah.

Mara: Actually, I’m talking to her on messenger right now!

Tonya and Jaina: Shh!

Mara: What? I am. I can invite her over if you want. I actually want to see her! She’s a good friend who actually listens to what I have to say.

Tonya and Jaina: Shut up, Mara!

Mara looks down at her phone sadly.

Andrew gives them a suspicious look and walks away without another word.

Jaina: Well, that was weird.

Mara: I told you! He and Betsey have a thing for each other! You saw him acting weird the other night.

Tonya: I don’t think so. I think she’s stalking him like everyone else she “dates.” I even called the National Stalking Hotline on her!

Mara: Really? Come on! You were sitting right there on Saturday night. You saw him just like we did. Besides, why would she be talking about it if it wasn’t real?

Tonya: Because she’s a crazy stalker.

Jaina: [conflicted] I dunno… I’ve read some of her writing and I think there’s more to her than that.

Mara: There is! She’s a great person! You just have to get to know her better.

Tonya: Whatever.

Mara: Umm… but here’s the thing. Why would he just walk up to us when he’s never spoken to any of us before?

Jaina: Yeah, that was pretty weird…

Tonya: I don’t believe it. I think he’s just being nice.

Mara: I don’t think so. I think he’s up to something.

Jaina: Me too.

Tonya: I’ll believe it when I see it.

Mara: You just did.

Tonya: Whatever.

Meanwhile, Andrew has wandered back over to the bar. There he finds his friend Jaimie drinking all alone and flipping Betsey’s business card over and over in his hands.

Andrew: Hey Jaimie, what’s that?

Jaimie: What?

Andrew: That card in your hand. What is that?

Jaimie: Nothing. I mean… you know… it’s just a Betsey Horton’s card. I was thinking about calling her sometime.

Andrew: [nodding with interest] Oh really? And why is that?

Jaimie: Oh, I just talked to her one time and she seemed… cooler than I thought. I used to major in English before I dropped out of school. She was really encouraging me to pick up that interest again. I got on her website and read some of her stuff and… yeah… I heard some stuff about her before but I’m starting to think maybe those people are wrong. She didn’t seem that crazy to me.

Andrew: Uhh… yeah, well, she is. She’s crazy. Yeah, that’s it. Crazy. Totally and completely crazy. You should really stay away from her. She’ll like, totally stalk you and stuff. Yeah. Stay away from her.

Jaimie: [gives Andrew a weird look] Uhh… okay. If you say so.

Andrew: Yeah. I do. I do say so. Stay away from Betsey Horton!!! I mean it. I really do. She will totally fuck you up. She will ruin your life and act totally crazy and all of that other stuff.

Jaimie: Okay, okay. Jesus. What’s your deal, bro? Why are you getting so worked up about this?

Andrew: [shouting] Just don’t call her, okay?!?

Jaimie: Okay… jeez…

Andrew walks away and continues slithering through the crowd. Suddenly, he spots a random beefcake with a real pretty face and a pair of really nice arms.

Andrew: You! Beefcake! Get out!

Beefcake: But I just got here.

Andrew: I don’t care. Get out! Right now! I’m the one whose in charge around here and I want you out. In fact, I don’t just want you out right now. I want you out for life. Yep. That’s it. You’re done. I don’t want to see you in here ever again. Get out right now or I’m calling the cops.

Beefcake: But it’s my 21st birthday! I was just out with my bros! I’m not even drunk yet! This is the first bar we’ve hit!

Andrew: Do you even lift, bro?

Beefcake: [confused] Huh? What does that even have to do with anything?

Andrew: Well, I can lift more, so you should just get out right now, because I’m dangerous. If you try to start a fight with me, I’ll knock you out. So you should just go right now.

Beefcake: Uhh… okay…

All of the frat bros give Andrew a skeptical look and leave. By the end of the night, the Beefcake is picking up chicks by being the cool guy who got banned for life from Bloody Mary’s Bar on his 21st birthday.

Beefcake: Yeah, I mean, what can I say? I’m just that legendary, I guess.

Chicks: [swooning and sighing] Wow!

Meanwhile, back at Bloody Mary’s, Andrew is still scanning the crowd for more informants. Out of desperation, he decides to ask Duke.

Andrew: Hey Duke, did you read Betsey’s latest story on her website? She sure does mention you a lot.

Duke: [crankily] Yeah. It’s ruining my fucking life.

Andrew: I see what you’re saying… but, uhh…. I was just wondering if, uh, anything was going on there between you two?

Duke gives Andrew The Signature de la Salle Look of Judgment and Disgust before walking away without another word.

Andrew: Okay. Cool. Great. We’ll talk it over later. Yeah.

Andrew turns his attention back to the bar, where he sees Mad Dog sitting alone.

Andrew: Hey Mad Dog. Have you seen Betsey around lately?

Mad Dog: Why do you care?

Andrew: I was just curious. It seems like you’ve been pissing her off a lot lately. I was wondering if you guys were still hanging out.

Mad Dog: [looks at Andrew suspiciously] What’s your fascination with each other?

Andrew: Nothing. Nothing at all.

Mad Dog: Uh huh. Sure. I’ve heard that one before.

Andrew: Right. Well. Let me know if you need another drink.

Andrew slithers away and goes back over to the other end of the bar where his Mom is standing.

Andrew: So Betsey wrote another story about me today.

Andrew’s Mom: [smiling to herself] Uh huh.

Andrew: Yeah, it was pretty good, but I didn’t like it as much as the other ones. She only called me sexy one time. Usually she calls me sexy more than that.

Andrew’s Mom: [nodding along] Uh huh.

Andrew: Yeah, just let me get out my phone and I can read it to you right now.

Andrew’s Mom: You don’t have to do that, honey.

Andrew: [obliviously] Yeah, just let me get my phone out.

Andrew’s Mom: Actually, I have to go. It’s nice to see you smiling again, sweetheart.

Andrew: But wait! I’ve got it! It’s here! I’ve got it loading on my phone right now! Ugh, wait. The wi-fi is acting up again. Dammit! Stupid wi-fi! Okay. Wait. Wait. Wait. Ha! Got it! See? Look! There it is! Another story about Me!

By the time Andrew looks up from his phone, his Mom has already disappeared out the front door. He sighs heavily and looks around again. This time he decides to ask the Owl.

Andrew: Hey… have you seen Betsey around lately?

The Owl: I’ve gotten in trouble for this before. This time I’m not going to interfere.

Andrew: Oh come on!

The Owl: I didn’t see anything, I didn’t hear anything, and I don’t know anything.

Andrew: [rolling his eyes] Welcome to Planet Earth, right?

The Owl: That’s right! Welcome to Planet Earth!

The Owl cackles maniacally and disappears out the back door for a cigarette. Andrew glares after him and folds his arms in a huff. He looks for Betsey for the rest of the night, but she does not appear. He returns to his Perfect HGTV Dream Home, drinks a 6-pack by himself, and passes out on the couch, alone and in despair.

The End

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