SCRIPT: Spy Movie

The following short screenplay was written for my freshman theatre class when I was 15 years old. It is a spoof of a James Bond movie with two female agents played by Betsey and her friend whose fake name has yet to be decided. For whatever reason, their names are Secret Agent Dorian Gray 135 and Clyde. You can guess which one of us was taking this whole writing thing seriously and which one wasn’t.

Some of these jokes are insiders from when we used to have sleepovers at my house, sneak out, and walk down to the lake after my parents went to bed. It’s possible some of them many not make any sense whatsoever. Regardless, it’s just something fun I wrote once. It also features the origin story of the The Island of Lost Guys!

I hope you enjoy the show!

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BETSEY’S SPY MOVIE

A FILM BY BETSEY HORTON

2004

 

THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY

DORIAN GREY, Secret Agent Number 135
CLYDE, Her Clueless Sidekick
V, Their Boss
AGNES, Her Secretary
K, Supplier of Helpful Gadgets
NATALIA, a Contact in Venice
DAMIEN, Sexy CIA Agent
JAMES, Leader of an Evil Organization Hellbent on World Domination
EMILY CASSADINE, United States Secretary of State
THE GUYS, Inhabitants of a Mysterious Island

 

SCENE I

[Fade in to the image of two girls sitting on a beach, lounging in chairs. One is dressed in a black dress, leather jacket, and black shoes. She is holding a gun in one hand and a martini in the other. She has a cigarette in her mouth. She is Secret Agent Dorian Gray 135. The other is wearing boxer shorts, a tank top, knee socks, flip flops, a ratty blanket as a cape, and a top hat. She is holding a shot gun in one hand and a can of Sprite in the other. She is Clyde.]

DORIAN
[sips drink] I’m so glad we decided to come to Barcelona for vacation. I just love the beach!

CLYDE
[in an American accent] But we’re not in Barcelona. We’re in Lake Barcroft.

DORIAN
[smacks CLYDE upside head] Oi! Shut up! We’re filming!

CLYDE
Oh, right. [in a British accent] I love the beach as well. Especially here in Poland.

DORIAN
We’re in Spain.

CLYDE
Same country.

[DORIAN’S cellphone rings]

DORIAN
[sighs and picks up phone] Hello? … No, I did not order any pizza. No… I don’t even like anchovies!

CLYDE
I do!

DORIAN
Shut up! [into phone] No… No! I’m not even in the—No, this is not a deli—who is this? … No! I’m- oi! [hangs up phone] Damn Americans.

CLYDE
Who was that?

DORIAN
Some idiot in America. He was trying to get a hold of some deli.

CLYDE
Ohhh… did he have a name?

DORIAN
No. I asked him and he started talking about Pokemon.

CLYDE
Right…

[DORIAN’S phone rings again. She picks it up, furious.]

DORIAN
Damn it, I told you this isn’t a—Hello? … Yes ma’am! … But, ma’am, we just got here! … Yes I understand. … We’ll be there shortly. [hangs up phone and gets up]

CLYDE
Who was that?

DORIAN
That was V. She wants us back at MI9 as soon as possible.

CLYDE
Did she say why?

DORIAN
She has another mission for us.

CLYDE
Ooh yay! I hope we get to go to Liechtenstein this time!

SCENE II

[Cut to shot of DORIAN and CLYDE entering an office. A young woman with light hair is sitting at a desk typing while chewing gum in a loud manner.]

DORIAN
Hello Agnes.

AGNES
[in a ditzy voice] Hi!

DORIAN
How are you?

AGNES
Oh I’m good. [blows a bubble with gum] I have a date with a guy tonight and he’s totally fine! Like, seriously. He’s so hot and we’re gonna go kick back at his place and watch a movie!

DORIAN
[sarcastically] How fun.

AGNES
Totally! [picks up phone] V will see you now.

[DORIAN and CLYDE enter V’s office. It is filled with highly classified documents and many big books on law.]

V
Good day, ladies.

DORIAN
Hello, V. I see you’ve dug out your textbooks from Harvard.

V
Very funny, 135. Onto more serious matters. What do you know about a woman named Emily Cassadine?

DORIAN
Current United States Secretary of State—democrat, recently appointed, very popular for her peace policies but also common target for assassination. Why do you ask?

V
She was last seen this morning leaving for work by her husband Jason. However, she never arrived at her office. An email message was later delivered to the president informing him of Cassadine’s abduction along with the demand for one hundred million dollars in ransom and to call off the Peace conference that is to be held in Venice next week.

CLYDE
That’s a lot of money.

DORIAN
What do you want us to do?

V
Get her back of course! You are to leave for Venice tonight. K is waiting for you to give you your supplies. Good luck.

SCENE III

[Cut to shot of Dorian, Clyde, and K standing around a black car in a garage.]

K
This is your car. It has all the usual features to it, as you very well know, 135.

[DORIAN grins innocently]

K
Rocket launcher, ejection seats, bullet and shatter-proof windows, et cetera.

DORIAN
Don’t worry, K! You can trust us! We got out of our last mission all in one piece, didn’t we?

K
You did, but my car certainly didn’t!

DORIAN
That was Clyde’s fault.

CLYDE
Was not.

DORIAN
Was too.

CLYDE
Was not.

DORIAN
Was too!

[they continue bickering as the camera fades out]

SCENE IV

[cut to a shot of a black car pulling up in front of a big white house]

CLYDE
Are you sure this is where we’re staying?

DORIAN
Positive. [Takes cigarette out of his mouth and puts it out. The two walk up to the door. DORIAN knocks. A young lady answers.] Are you Natalia?

NATALIA
And you are?

DORIAN
Gray. Dorian Gray. This is my partner, Clyde.

NATALIA
Oh yes! Please come in! [She looks the pair over] When Agnes asked if you could stay with me, I assumed by your names that you were both, well—

DORIAN
Guys?

NATALIA
Yes, actually.

CLYDE
We did that on purpose. It throws our enemies off.

NATALIA
[smiles as they start walking towards the kitchen] Would you two care for a drink?

CLYDE
Sprite, please!

DORIAN
I’ll have a martini please. Stirred, not shaken.

CLYDE
Isn’t it the other way around?

DORIAN
It was for forty years.

[NATALIA hands DORIAN and CLYDE glasses. They hear a loud crash and look up.]

CLYDE
What the hell was that?

NATALIA
[smiles] Oh, I forgot to tell you. I hope you don’t mind but I have another guest staying with me. He works for the CIA and is trying to find Cassadine as well.

DORIAN
Oh great. I hate Americans. He’s probably—

[A young man comes into the kitchen carrying a broken glass. He is dressed very casually, in jeans, a sweatshirt, and a backwards baseball cap. DORIAN stares.]

DAMIEN
Sorry, Natalia. I accidentally broke this while I was—

NATALIA
It’s alright. [takes glass] Oh by the way, these are my other guests.

CLYDE
Hi! I’m Clyde!

DAMIEN
Name’s Damien. [reaches out and kisses CLYDE’s hand. CLYDE looks at him in disgust and wipes her hand on her boxers. DAMIAN looks at DORIAN.] And you are?

DORIAN
[smiles wide] Err… I… I’m Gray.

CLYDE
Actually, you’re more like a peach color.

DORIAN
You didn’t let me finish, idiot. [Smiles at DAMIEN again.] I’m Dorian Gray. [Holds out hand and waits for DAMIEN to kiss it. He shakes it instead. DORIAN is annoyed.] Pleased to meet you.

DAMIEN
So you’re from MI9. I thought you two were guys.

CLYDE
We get that a lot.

DORIAN
That won’t be a problem, will it?

DAMIEN
Of course not.

DORIAN
Good. Miss Natalia, would it be possible for me to go to my room? I have an investigation to start.

[NATALIA and DORIAN leave the kitchen. In an effort to impress DAMIEN, DORIAN saunters off but winds up tripping and falling flat on her face. CLYDE laughs, DAMIEN smirks.]

SCENE V

[Cut to a shot of DORIAN sitting at a laptop taking notes. She is wearing glasses. CLYDE is asleep on a chair and snoring loudly. DAMIEN enters quietly.]

DAMIEN
What are you doing?

DORIAN
It seems that Cassadine’s kidnapper is a man named James Magner. He’s the head of a very large international organization. It appears the organization’s main goal is world domination.

DAMIEN
Go figure.

DORIAN
I don’t see why he needs the US Secretary of State to take over the world, but if it floats his boat, whatever.

DAMIEN
It’s simple really. He kidnapped her because she has been making so much progress on world peace. It’s easier to take over the world when it’s in complete chaos than while everyone is united. If everyone is united, a stronger force can rise up and defeat him. While countries are at war, he can take them over one at a time.

DORIAN
[Looks at DAMIEN admiringly.] Makes enough sense, I suppose.

DAMIEN
I found out he’s going to be at that fancy dress party Miss Natalia is going to this evening. I was going to go alone but you and Clyde may accompany me if you so desire.

DORIAN
[raises eyebrows] How did you find this out?

DAMIEN
[smirks] I have my ways.

DORIAN
[looks at sleeping CLYDE] Oi! Clyde! We’re going undercover! Wake up! [shakes CLYDE awake]

CLYDE
[sleepily] Hmm…? What is it?

DORIAN
We’re going out.

DAMIEN
She’s not going dressed like that, is she?

CLYDE
Going where? Where are we going?

DORIAN
Of course she’s not. I’m going to make her look semi-decent for once.

DAMIEN
Just checking.

[DORIAN and CLYDE look at DAMIEN expectantly. He leaves quickly.]

DORIAN
[looks at CLYDE rubs hands together evilly] Now…

SCENE VI

[Cut to shot of DORIAN, CLYDE, and DAMIEN entering a party. DORIAN and CLYDE are both wearing beautiful dresses while DAMIEN is in a suit. A waiter walks up to the trio and the three take drinks from the tray.]

CLYDE
[sipping drink] This stuff is really nasty.

DORIAN
It’s white wine. What did you expect?

CLYDE
Something better?

DAMIEN
I like it.

DORIAN
Well, your opinion doesn’t matter. Now, Clyde, what’s your name again?

CLYDE
Err… Clyde… durr… you just said it, silly.

DORIAN
Your OTHER name, CLYDE.

CLYDE
Oh right. Mai. And you are Betsey.

DORIAN
Very good. [surveys room] Now, where are you, Magner?

DAMIEN
IF I may interrupt—

DORIAN
No, you may not. [lets go of DAMIEN’s arm. CLYDE follows suit.] Excuse us, but we have work to do. [Turns and promptly runs into a young man with spiky, bleach-blonde hair.] Excuse me, sir.

JAMES
It’s quite alright, Miss. It was my fault entirely.

[They smile at one another flirtatiously.]

CLYDE
[To DAMIEN] During our missions, “Betsey” always manages to find herself a guy to… how do you say… play with.

DAMIEN
[raises eyebrow] Really?

CLYDE
Yeah. I really don’t know what happens to them. They just suddenly vanish once the mission is over. It’s so weird. It’s like she ships them all to a remote island and leaves them there.

DAMIEN
Is that true?

CLYDE
Nah.

[Cut to shot of a group of guys talking to each other on the beach]

GUY 1
So where did you meet Dorian?

GUY 2
In Madrid. It was the best two weeks of my entire life.

GUY 3
Two weeks?! I only had three days in Paris!

GUY 4
I got a week in Tokyo.

GUY 5
Ten days. Hong Kong.

GUY 6
I was with her for five days in Moscow.

GUY 1
Oh… [looks away] Mine was one day in Ontario.

GUY 2
But that’s in Canada.

GUY 3
What was she doing in Canada?

GUY 4
Canada doesn’t have anyone worthy of being kidnapped or assassinated or anything of value to be taken. It’s just there!

GUY 5
It’s like the 51st State!

GUY 1
Maybe she was on vacation!

GUY 6
In Canada?

GUY 1
Good point…

[Cut back to shot of CLYDE and DAMIEN, who snickers]

CLYDE
What is it?

DAMIEN
She’s hitting on James Magner.

CLYDE
That’s him? Ew… I thought he was old.

DAMIEN
Nope.

CLYDE
He’s got a funny looking head.

[cut back to DORIAN and JAMES]

JAMES
May I ask your name, Miss?

DORIAN
Gr—err—Betsey.

JAMES
Just Betsey?

DORIAN
[smiles] For now.

JAMES
The name’s James Magner. Maybe you’ve heard of me.

DORIAN
Oh yes. You’re one of the richest men in the world right now.

JAMES
Yes… well… I try.

[cut back to CLYDE and DAMIEN]

CLYDE
Be happy it isn’t you.

DAMIEN
Uh… yeah… [looks on with a faint expression of jealousy on his face]

[DAMIEN and CLYDE watch as DORIAN and JAMES continue flirting for a few more minutes. JAMES murmurs something to DORIAN and she gasps. He promptly leaves the room. DORIAN starts to follow. CLYDE and DAMIEN follow too. Cut to shot of DORIAN, CLYDE, and DAMIEN all running down a staircase.]

CLYDE
What’s going on Dorian?

DORIAN
We have to catch Magner! There’s no doubt in my mind now that he’s the one behind this!

DAMIEN
How could you tell?

DORIAN
Did you see that hair?

[The trio runs into a parking garage and watch as a white car speeds off.]

DORIAN
Why do they always run?

[DORIAN and CLYDE rush to their car and hop in before DAMIEN realizes what’s happening. They leave without him.]

DAMIEN
Hey! Where are you going?

[Cut to shot of DORIAN and CLYDE inside the car. CLYDE looks in the rearview mirror and sees DAMIEN running after them.]

CLYDE
Hey, Dorian, we left Damien behind.

DORIAN
And your point is, what, exactly?

[Cut to scene of car chase. After failing to catch JAMES, the two tired agents return to NATALIA’s to find DAMIEN waiting for them with a sour expression.]

DAMIEN
Why did you leave me behind?

DORIAN
[glares at DAMIEN] Now listen here, buddy boy, let’s get one thing straight. This is Clyde and I’s assignment, not yours. We are not partners, not friends, and certainly not lovers, nor will we ever be. So stop harassing me just because you don’t have your own damn car. I’m tired, my feet hurt from running in heels, and unless you want to get shot, I highly recommend that you stay the hell away from me until further notice. Now get out of my way!

[DAMIEN stares at DORIAN in amazement but moves aside quickly. CLYDE looks at him, shrugs, follows.]

SCENE VII

[Cut to shot of DORIAN walking into the kitchen later that night. She is wearing a red silk kimono and fuzzy slippers. She looks at the clock, which reads 3:20am, and yawns, then pulls out a wine glass and a bottle of red wine from the cupboard. She is unaware that she is being watched by DAMIEN.]

DAMIEN
I thought you didn’t like wine.

[DORIAN jumps, drops wine glass on the floor, then pulls out her gun and points it at DAMIEN.]

DORIAN
It would do you well not to startle me. Next time I might actually shoot you.

DAMIEN
[smiles] I find that highly unlikely.

[DAMIEN walks toward DORIAN, who puts her gun away and reaches for a broom to clean up the mess.]

DORIAN
Don’t count on it, buddy boy.

DAMIEN
Let me get that for you. [He reaches for the broom. Their eyes lock.]

SCENE VIII

[Cut to shot of DORIAN, CLYDE, DAMIEN, and NATALIA in the kitchen the next morning. CLYDE is doing a maze on the back of her cereal box, NATALIA is making coffee, DORIAN is staring at her laptop screen, and DAMIEN is watching DORIAN. DORIAN looks up at DAMIEN and smiles at him, then looks away and goes back to staring at laptop while tapping keys on the keyboard.]

DORIAN
Dammit!

CLYDE
[looks up] Did you figure out where Magner is hiding yet?

DAMIEN
[walks over to DORIAN and peers at her laptop] Actually, she just lost Tetris.

DORIAN
Go away. [shoves DAMIEN, who won’t move. DORIAN gets annoyed and pulls out her gun.]

DAMIEN
[smirks] Put the gun away, D. You’re not gonna shoot me.

DORIAN
Don’t call me D. [Fires gun. NATALIA screams, CLYDE yawns and continues her maze without looking up. DORIAN goes back to playing Tetris. DAMIEN suddenly leaps up from the floor and looks around wildly.]

CLYDE
[sill not looking up] She doesn’t keep her gun loaded in the morning.

DORIAN
[loans gun] I do now. [Points it at DAMIEN.] Anymore stupid questions?

DAMIEN
Nope. [sits down]

CLYDE
She’s not a morning person.

DORIAN
Shut up, Clyde.

NATALIA
[rushing to serve DORIAN a cup of coffee] When are you going to go after Magner?

DORIAN
[Still playing Tetris.] Well—

DAMIEN
Magner has a meeting tonight with one of his associates at that little park a few miles away. You should do it then.

CLYDE
Seriously, dude. Where do you find this stuff out?

DAMIEN
I have my ways.

DORIAN
[loses Tetris again] Dammit!

CLYDE
[looks at DAMIEN] Dude, don’t even worry about it.

SCENE IX

[Cut to shot of DORIAN and CLYDE hiding behind some trees.]

CLYDE
Where are they? Damien said they’d be here by now.

DORIAN
Well, one thing’s for sure. We’re never listening to him again. Stupid man.

CLYDE
[grins] I knew it!

DORIAN
What?

CLYDE
You did it with him, didn’t you?

DORIAN
Ugh. Don’t even REMIND me!

CLYDE
That bad, huh?

DORIAN
Yeah.

BOTH
He’s too lanky.

[Suddenly they hear two male voices talking. They draw their guns and peak out from behind the tree. They see two men standing on a bridge talking.]

DORIAN
That’s them.

CLYDE
Are you sure?

DORIAN
Yes I’m sure.

CLYDE
Are you sure you’re sure?

DORIAN
Shut up, Clyde.

[They notice one of the men is gone.]

CLYDE
What the—

[CLYDE is hit from behind and knocked out. DORIAN, but before she can turn around she is knocked out as well.]

SCENE X

[Cut to shot of DORIAN and CLYDE tied up in an empty room. DORIAN comes to and kicks CLYDE.]

DORIAN
Oi! Wake up!

CLYDE
[sleepily] But mommy, I don’t want to go to school today…

DORIAN
Clyde!

CLYDE
I want to stay home and bake cookies with you…

DORIAN
CLYDE!

[CLYDE wakes with a start]

CLYDE
GOD SAVE THE QUEEN! [looks at DORIAN] Oh hi, D.

DORIAN
Don’t call me D!

CLYDE
Where are we?

DORIAN
We’re been captured, you moron.

CLYDE
By who?

JAMES
[enters room] By me!

DORIAN
Oh great, it’s Hair Boy.

JAMES
Silence! I bet you—

DORIAN
Oh great. Let me guess. You’re going to ramble on for twenty minutes about your great master plan to take over the world. Damien is going to come in and reveal that he was working for you the entire time. You’ll leave us in some unnecessarily complex death trap which we will narrowly escape from, instead of shooting us on the spot like you should. While you and Damien are escaping with your money and Secretary Cassadine, Clyde and I will kill all of your henchmen, sneak onto whatever transportation craft you’re using, be it a ship, plane, or submarine, kill more of your henchmen, and then split up. While she goes to free Secretary Cassadine, I take off to go kill you and run into Damien. I am supposed to feel betrayed by him since we did have that little fling, but I’ll knock him out quickly enough while he’s ranting about power. I will then find you, leave you tied to something, and take back all the money. All the while, Clyde will be setting explosives up around the craft. Then we’ll escape with Secretary Cassadine and the money, then sail/fly/drive off and watch your craft explode from a distance. After being rewarded greatly, we will return to Barcelona to finish our vacation that you so rudely interrupted.

CLYDE
So if I was you, I’d just surrender right now and save us the trouble. Especially since Dorian is wearing heels and her feet already have blisters from the other night. I myself am wearing flip flips, and, let’s face it; your resistance is pretty much futile.

[DAMIEN walks in]

DAMIEN
Ha! I bet you weren’t expecting me to be behind this, were you, Gray?

JAMES
Well, uh… actually.

DORIAN
[Suddenly pulls free from her bonds] Actually I was.

DAMIEN
How did you do that?

DORIAN
I’m a Secret Agent. I work in mysterious ways that nobody but myself can figure out. [frees CLYDE, walks up to DAMIEN, who is standing there in shock, and takes his gun. CLYDE does the same with JAMES and they simultaneously point their guns at their respective captors.]

CLYDE
Do you surrender?

JAMES
I knew it was a stupid plan! That is the last time I listen to you, Damien.

DAMIEN
Damn you, Gray! You’re supposed to feel betrayed and be angry with me! I gave you—

DORIAN
Your ego is too big for your own good, Damien. [pulls out a magnifying glass] Next time it gets the better of you, use this.

DAMIAN
I AM OFFENDED!

DORIAN
Lovely. Then you won’t mind if I tie you up?

JAMES
I think we should go through with the escape and fights and unnecessary deathtraps anyways.

[DORIAN and CLYDE look at each other]

BOTH
Nah.

CLYDE
Besides, the writer got lazy.

[DORIAN looks away innocently.]

CLYDE
And we wouldn’t want to waste the director’s valuable time and money.

JAMES
I guess you’re right.

[JAMES and DAMIEN surrender.]

SCENE XII

[Cut to shot of DORIAN and CLYDE standing in V’s office with the Secretary of State, EMILY CASSADINE]

EMILY
Thank you so much for your bravery and hard work, agents.

V
Yes, I must admit your tactics were most impressive.

EMILY
I can’t thank you enough for saving me!

DORIAN
It was nothing. Really.

CLYDE
And we do mean nothing. [DORIAN elbows CLYDE.] Ow.

DORIAN
With your permission, V, we’d like to return to Barcelona.

V
Of course!

EMILY
By the way, I was wondering… Damien wasn’t brought into custody with Magner. What happened to him?

DORIAN
Oh… I sent him to a place where he won’t be a threat to anybody.

[Cut to shot of DAMIEN sitting on the beach with THE GUYS]

DAMIEN
Venice. Six days.

GUYS
Nice.

SCENE XIII

[Cut to shot of DORIAN and CLYDE sitting on a beach.]

DORIAN
I love it here in Spain.

CLYDE
[sighs] Yeah, it’s so nice to be here in Sydney.

DORIAN
I thought it was Poland?

[Camera fades out. Caption reads “THE END.” Credits roll.]

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