SCRIPT: Snake in the Grass

Betsey: So like… you were there.

Andrew: Yeah.

Betsey: Like you were literally standing right there the entire time.

Andrew: Yeah.

Betsey: Like… so… every time.

Andrew: Every single time.

Betsey: Ha ha, so like… every single time.

Andrew: Every single time.

Betsey: And I had no idea you even existed in the first place?

Andrew: No idea. I was literally invisible the entire time to you.

Betsey: Literally.

Andrew: Literally.

Betsey: So like… that one time I came in underage.

Andrew: I was the doorman you snuck past.

Betsey: Shut the fuck up! You are literally making that up just to put me on. You heard my story and you liked it, so you inserted yourself into it. Like you always do.

Andrew: It’s a good story. Besides, I don’t see any other writers writing about me. I like you. That’s why I’m here. To make sure the story is correct.

Betsey: Uhh… so this is correct?

Andrew: This is correct. Go on. Name another time you’re embarrassed about. I know them all. I saw them all. I know all of your stories because I watched them happen live.

Betsey: Shut up. Stop it. You’re putting me on.

Andrew: No, I know them. It’s true. You wanna know how I was introduced to you?

Betsey: I can’t even imagine.

Andrew: You came in with your girlfriends on a Thursday night. You just walked up to Duke de la Salle like you already knew him and asked for an Alabama Slammer. And you just said it withthis elitist city girl attitude like you didn’t even give a fuck. All of us just had a laugh about it like, “LOLWUT!” That was the first year you were here. You had a very interesting haircut then. You’re always changing your hairstyle, and your fashion sense too. You should keep your hair the way it is now. I prefer the blonde on you. Anyway, I digress. Duke said he knew you because you hung out with his weird little brother. I was quite amused by your little text message saga, by the way. Now that’s what I call a classic.

Betsey: Oh boy. Let me guess. You read all the text messages.

Andrew: I read all the text messages. We all did. Some of the notes too. I seem to recall a red diary in particular. You left that one in Pandora’s Box. It had a sexy scene in it. That’s the one all of us were really interested in.

Betsey: Of course it was.

Andrew: You only mentioned me once in all that. I didn’t like that. I thought you should’ve been mentioning me more.

Betsey: That’s why you got your own novel.

Andrew: That’s why I got my own novel.

Betsey: But you have that effect on everybody. You must know that. It’s not just me. You have the ability to glamour everyone you meet. I didn’t even stand a chance when I met you.

Andrew: You only think that because I didn’t even exist to you for the first five or six years you were here. I tried to talk to you so many times and you just gave me this judgmental look like, ‘Why are you talking to me? Can’t you see I’m way too good for you? I’m a hoity-toity fancy girl from the big city and you’re just some small town guy. What can you possibly have to impress me?’

Betsey: So you inserted yourself into my novel.

Andrew: I am your novel.

Betsey looks at Andrew and laughs hysterically.

Andrew: Don’t laugh at me. I know who you are. I know what you do. I’ve read all of your writing. All of it. Everything on your website. Even the stuff you wrote when you were thirteen. I remember how popular your column was. I miss reading it myself. Trust me, Betsey Horton, Writer Extraordinaire. I know everything there is to know about you. Do you honestly think I walked into this not knowing this is the novel that is going to make your career? I know exactly what I’m doing. We all do. That’s why we haven’t said anything yet. We know what you’re doing. We know we’ll be compensated for it. That is why we have a stake in it.

Betsey: So you are messing with me.

Andrew: No. I just wanted to teach you a lesson. You know, about respect. Show you who is The Boss. Remind you which one of us is really in charge here.

Betsey: Well, lesson learned. That’s your thing, isn’t it?

Andrew: I have many things. So do you.

Betsey: Yeah, but you’re definitely the leader of this operation over here. I feel like you’re leading me blindfolded into the unknown.

Andrew: And so I am.

Betsey: Well, looks like you got your way once again, my little green snake. You really are just like a little green snake. No one sees your hiding in the grass until it’s too late.

Andrew: Don’t worry. It will all be worth it in the end.

Betsey: I’m sure it will be.

Andrew: Come now. Don’t you think we should get you something to eat? You’re going to appreciate it when that hangover hits you in the morning.

Betsey: Yes, Master. Whatever you say.

Andrew: That’s what I like to hear…

The End

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.