SCRIPT: High School Reunion

Betsey has recently been invited to the ten-year-reunion at her public high school. In spite of the fact that she switched to private school halfway though, she still grew up with all of these people and wanted to see them again. Unfortunately, the scheduled date is inconvenient for anyone whose family no longer lives in the area. In order to make herself feel better about missing the event that someone was kind enough to invite her to anyway, she decides to imagine how it would go if she was actually present.

First, Betsey goes to Andrew. She decides to bring up the subject when he is most amiable to granting requests. That is to say, when he is lying in bed naked and half-asleep after several rounds of hot sex.

Betsey: Darling, will you buy me a plane ticket to D.C. so I can go to my high school reunion?

Andrew: Why would you want to go to your high school reunion? I thought you hated high school.

Betsey: I did, but not all of my classmates were terrible. Some of them were really cool. Those are the people I’d like to see again. How often are they all going to be in the same room together? I mean, these are the people I grew up with, Andrew. I’ve known them my whole life. Facebook is cool and all, but it’s not the same as hanging out in person.

Andrew: Yeah, but everyone knows the cool people are too cool to go to those things. They moved on with their lives and never looked back.

Betsey: True, but I still want to go.

Andrew: What about Single White Female? I mean… Taylor. Aren’t you worried she’ll be there?

Betsey: Oh, I didn’t even think about that. Yeah, that would be awkward AF, especially since she named her baby Merrick after my nickname for my Vampire ex-boyfriend. But, it’s whatever. I still think it would be fun to go. Just so I could walk away with a story to tell.

Andrew: When is it?

Betsey: Two days before Christmas.

Andrew: Wow, that is really shitty planning.

Betsey: Yeah, I know. But you know how hometown people are. They don’t consider anyone outside of their own little insular group.

Andrew: True.

Andrew thinks about it for a moment.

Andrew: Does it really mean that much to you?

Betsey: Yes.

Andrew: Okay. I’ll buy you a plane ticket. But you owe me lots of hot sex in return.

Betsey: Done!

Andrew buys Betsey her plane ticket and puts her up in a Holiday Inn located within walking distance of a Potbelly’s, Starbucks, and Metro stop. On the evening of the reunion, Betsey gets dressed up and goes to the unbearably douchey bar the reunion is being held at. Betsey orders a glass of wine and starts circulating around the room.

Rich White Girls: We’re just as bitchy and cliquey as we always were. You can’t sit with us!

Rich White Boys: We’re just as douchey and superficial as we always were. Also, you got hot!

Cool People: We’re just as cool as we always were. We’re doing interesting things with our lives. We’re happy you came all this way just to see us. What about you, Betsey?

Betsey: I’m the same as I always was. I’m still sitting alone in the corner, writing in my notebook, causing trouble, and pissing everyone off. The only real difference is that I got hot and dress a lot better now.

Cool People: Haha, oh Betsey! Some things never change!

High School Crush: Hey, I never paid attention you ever, except to make fun of you along with everyone else! You got really hot! Do you wanna go bang?

Betsey: No, sorry, I can’t. My boyfriend wouldn’t like it. He gets really jealous.

High School Crush: Isn’t your boyfriend married with kids?

Betsey: [laughs awkwardly and puts on a huge, fake, plastic grin] Uhh… It’s complicated.

High School Crush: Doesn’t sound that complicated to me.

Betsey: Well, I tried to reject him multiple times but he was very persistent. He just kept showing up and wouldn’t take no for an answer. Finally I just gave in and stopped resisting.

High School Crush: That sounds messed up.

Betsey: It’s not so bad. It’s just… not exactly the situation I was hoping for.

High School Crush: Whatever. You should have a drunken, meaningless, totally unfulfilling one-night-stand with me instead. I won’t even take you out for brunch tomorrow morning. I’ll just leave right after we’re done.

Betsey: Uhh… no thanks.

Betsey goes back to the bar and orders another glass of wine. She continues circulating and catching up with the people whose lives she genuinely cares about. After she finishes her second glass, she orders another one and decides to confront Taylor. Everyone in the room is watching in excitement. They love a good public fight.

Betsey: So, how’s your baby that you named after my ex-boyfriend?

Taylor: [defensively] I DIDN’T STEAL YOUR NAME. I JUST REALLY LIKED IT, OKAY? IT’S NOT LIKE IT’S WEIRDLY UNCOMMON OR ANYTHING!

Betsey: You are the same as you always were. First you fuck around with my first ex-boyfriend Maverick behind my back, then you pursue my teacher/mentor, then you follow me to college and major in the same subject, then you go after my vampire, then you pretend you’re a writer and start a little blog. After I dropped out and you had no one to follow anymore, you decide you’re obsessed with another guy, obsessively stalk his ex-girlfriend’s social media and blog for years, literally become her, and then marry the guy! And now you’re naming your child Merrick after my Vampire ex-boyfriend?! YOU KNEW THAT WAS HIS NICKNAME. What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you even have your own personality?

Taylor: I’M NOT COPYING YOU. YOU’RE SUCH A FUCKING BITCH. I JUST HAPPEN TO LIKE ALL OF THE SAME THINGS RIGHT AFTER YOU’VE EXPRESSED AN INTEREST IN THEM. I’M THE REAL VICTIM HERE BECAUSE I WAS JEALOUS OF YOUR PERFECT LIFE.

Betsey: Ah, yes. The Perfect Life where I had a nervous breakdown, tried to kill myself, stayed in a psychiatric hospital where I was basically experimented on, and had to change schools. But I had forest green mini van and a credit card that I abused the shit out of, so my life was Perfect! Yeah, you’re still the same fucking crazyass bitch you always were. Like, you are literally The Single White Female. It’s creepy AF. So, I’m just going to tell you this straight-up right now: If you ever come to my town looking for my Andrew, my bar, or any of the other people in my stories, you are going to find yourself in a world of pain. Stay in your crazy little world of delusion and leave me the hell alone. You are not welcome in South Dakota. Do you understand me? Now kindly fuck off and die.

Taylor starts crying and runs into the bathroom. Everyone in the room cheers. Betsey finishes her wine and looks at the crowd.

Betsey: Well, I’ve had just about enough of this. Who wants to get stoned and go to Bob & Edith’s?

A small group of cool people catch a Lyft with Betsey to the next location. They party all night and get brunch in the morning. The next afternoon, Betsey boards her flight back to Omaha. Much to her surprise, Andrew is waiting for her at the airport.

Betsey: What are you doing here?

Andrew: I missed you.

Betsey: It’s Christmas Eve. Aren’t you supposed to be with The Family?

Andrew shrugs, looks at the ground, and shuffles his feet.

Andrew: Yeah… I mean… you know how it is.

Betsey looks at him sadly but takes his hand anyway. They walk through the terminal together.

Andrew: So how was your reunion?

Betsey: Oh, you know. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Andrew: That bad, huh?

Betsey: [shrugs] Not really. It was actually pretty fun. I’m really glad I went. It’s always worth it to go back there just to eat at Bob & Edith’s again. I’m just happy to be home.

Andrew: Maybe next time you can bring me.

Betsey: Okay, but you have to let me drive. You can’t handle the traffic out there. Trust me.

Andrew: I believe you.

Betsey: So what should we do now?

Andrew: Do you wanna get a hotel room and watch HGTV?

Betsey: Definitely.

They leave the airport and head on over to Downtown Omaha.

The End

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