SCRIPT: Future Politicians

“I want a sneak preview!” exclaims Andrew as he comes bursting through the door. “I know you have some of the story! I want to see it right now!”

“UGH!” I respond, throwing my hands in the air. “It’s nowhere near finished yet. I’ve only written two scenes.”

“I wanna see them! I know you included me. As the inspiration for your main character, I want to be the first one who gets a sneak peak. Show me what you have so far.”

“Okay. Do you want me to show you the story about you, or the story about the Prince?”

“Both. I wanna see both right now. Give it to me, Betsey. Show me what you got. Let me see the story.”

“As you wish, Andrew…”

I wave my magic wand and begin to tell the tale…

The Puppy

Andrew has decided to run for office. Duke and Betsey have to put their differences aside to join forces and prop him up. Duke gives his legal advice and acts as a lobbyist while Betsey works behind the scenes writing speeches, working PR, and whispering in Andrew’s ear.

After some time and consideration, Betsey has come up with a genius ad campaign that will appeal to voters on both sides of the political spectrum. Even Duke agrees that this ad campaign will be the one to get Andrew elected. After all, how could anybody possibly resist a hot guy holding an adorable puppy?

Betsey: Okay, Andrew! Today’s the day of the big photoshoot! What are you wearing?

Andrew appears wearing a dark suit and tie with bright green snakeskin shoes. His hair is slicked back and he has a sneaky smile on his face.

Andrew: What do you think?

Betsey: [does a double take and tries to stop herself from drooling] Uhh… it’s perfect. Absolutely fucking perfect. I mean maybe. You can always take it off. I mean, what?

Andrew: Huh?

Duke: She said you look good. Now shut up and let’s go.

Andrew: Okay. Wait. What am I supposed to say again?

Duke: Nothing. You’re just taking pictures today.

Andrew: What about [redacted]?

Duke: Yeah, don’t tell that story. Just pose for the picture.

Andrew: What about that time I [redacted]?

Duke: Yeah, don’t tell that story either. All you have to do is smile and pose for the picture.

Andrew: You mean I can’t even talk about that time I [redacted]?

Duke: No.

Andrew: But what about the time I [redacted]?

Duke: No.

Andrew: Or that time I [redacted]?

Duke: Nope.

Andrew: How about [redacted]?

Duke: No! Just don’t say anything, Andrew. All you have to do is pose for the picture.

Andrew: Oh come on! Everybody loves the story about the time I [redacted]!

Duke: Wrong.

Andrew: Yes they do!

Duke: Wrong again.

Andrew: Well, ugh! If I can’t say any of that, then what the hell am I supposed to say?

Duke: [hesitantly] Well… I hate to say this, but maybe you should just let Betsey Horton write your scripts for you instead. Not that she’s a good writer or anything. I’m not saying she’s good for anything at all. I’m just saying, she has a way with words and you have a way of presenting those words that makes everybody else agree with them. I can advise any necessary changes she should make and you can be the mouthpiece. Do you understand me?

Andrew: Yeah, I think so. Okay! Great! Yeah! Let’s go take some pictures!

Duke: Okay!

Betsey, Duke, and Andrew all head over to The Photographer’s studio. There, Andrew tries to pose for some pictures but ultimately looks awkward and nervous.

Andrew: I’m sorry. I can’t do this. I just feel so awkward!

Betsey: Don’t worry, I have just the solution!

Betsey disappears out back and returns with an adorable golden retriever puppy.

Betsey: [shoves the puppy into Andrew’s arms] Here, hold this puppy. The People will love it. Trust me.

Andrew takes the puppy and holds it up awkwardly. The puppy looks up into Andrew’s eyes and promptly starts licking his face. Andrew falls in love at first sight. He laughs to himself and starts wrestling with the puppy on the ground.

Everyone: Aww!

The Photographer: Yes, yes, perfect, perfect! That’s exactly the shot I want! Now just do a cute little pose for me! That’s it! Perfect! Perfect! I love it! Now just scratch behind his ears a little bit… that’s it… and got it!

The Photographer takes many pictures of Andrew playing and posing with the puppy. When the photo session is over, everyone is happy with the results. 

Betsey: Okay Andrew, it’s time to go home now!

Andrew stops playing with the puppy and looks up at Betsey worriedly.

Andrew: But what about the puppy? What’s going to happen to him?

Betsey: Uh, well, we sort of just borrowed him from the animal shelter for the afternoon, so I guess we’ll just take him back there.

Andrew: What? You can’t just take him away from me!

Betsey: Yeah, you don’t even have to worry about it. Just give the puppy to Duke and he’ll take him back to the shelter.

Andrew: But he’s my new best friend! Look! His name is Sam! See? Come here, Sam-Sam!

The puppy runs back over to Andrew and jumps into his arms happily. Andrew holds the puppy to his chest protectively.

Andrew: I want to keep the puppy! Please? Can I please keep the puppy? Please?

Betsey and Duke exchange a sideways glance and shrug at each other.

Betsey: Okay, Andrew, you can keep the puppy. But only if you promise to feed it every day and take it on lots of walks around the neighborhood where everyone can see you.

Andrew: I can do that! That’s easy! [looks at the puppy] Did ya hear that Sam?! I get to keep the puppy!

The puppy licks Andrew’s face excitedly. Andrew is so grateful to have finally met his soulmate. When the ad campaign finally debuts, the overall response is positive.

The People: Aww! Would you just look at that guy holding that adorable puppy! Aww, aren’t they just so cute? I don’t know what his policies are, but I’m going to vote for him just because of that picture right there! He seems like a really friendly, normal, down-to-Earth guy who I could really see myself having a beer with. And that’s what’s really important to me in the political leaders I choose.

The End

Interview with The Prince

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, The Prince has decided to run for office as well. He is not competing in the same race as Andrew, but they are both members of the newly-formed Resistance Party. The Prince has decided to approach his campaign using a different tactic. He decides to unveil it during a private session with his favorite hot, young, blonde reporter.

Reporter: What is your political affiliation?

The Prince: I mean, I’m with whatever party is going to get me elected, you know what I’m saying? Here in South Dakota, it’s the Republican Party. On both the coasts, it’s the Democratic Party. But at the end of the day, it’s all the exact same shit. It’s just sitting in two different bowls. Politicians are corrupt on both sides. There’s no point in putting the blame on just one party.

The People: He’s not wrong. In fact, he’s completely right! Politicians suck!

Reporter: And what about your policies? What kind of issues do you care about the most?

The Prince: I mean, what it really comes down to is one question: which lobbyist is going to pay me the most? It doesn’t matter what the issues are. It doesn’t matter what the voters want. All that matters is how much money I’m getting paid.

The People: He’s so honest! He really tells it like it is. It’s like he’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing, but we know he’s really a wolf! It’s like he’s not even trying to hide it! He just is what he is.

Reporter: You have a history of criminal activity, violence against women, and bad behavior in general. Your biggest problem with the law seems to involve drugs. Tell us, Prince, what is your opinion on drugs now that you’ve decided to run for office?

The Prince: Honestly, I think all drugs should be legal. Here’s a fact: drugs are a multi-billion dollar industry. As of right now, all we’re doing by keeping them illegal is giving that money to foreign drug cartels. Those are real jobs Americans could have and you’re just giving them all away to Mexicans. At the end of the day, doing drugs is a personal choice. We can’t stop people from making that choice. All we can do is provide them with a safer option.

The People: Yeah, a safer option! And also, what he said about Mexicans. We hate it when our jobs are given away to foreign immigrants for free. Mexicans, especially, are the worst. Why can’t they just stay in their own country? Why do they have to come here? Build the wall and blah blah blah!

The Prince: Listen, a wall is not the answer. Bringing jobs back to America and giving them to legal immigrants is the answer. At the end of the day, all of us came from somewhere else!

Reporter: Wow! You sure sound, uh, interesting on paper. Tell us, how do you think your questionable past will affect your popularity with the voters?

The Prince: I guess that’s up to them to decide. I mean, I think we can all agree the record speaks for itself. Haters can say whatever they want. That’s not going to stop people from making their own choices.

The People: When you really sit down and sort out the facts, I mean, yeah, he does look pretty bad. But, I mean… come on. He deserves a second chance. So he’s made some mistakes. So what? Didn’t we all do a lot of stupid shit when we were young? He’s got a heart of gold. And that’s what I’m really looking for in a leader right now. A heart of gold. Yeah, that’s it. A heart of solid gold.

The Prince: You see? The People want what they want. There’s no point in arguing with them. If you don’t give them what they want, you might as well just guillotine yourself in front of a live audience. I personally know plenty of people who would pay a lot of money to see that shit, myself included.

The People: Wow! He’s great! We like him! We actually really like him!

Reporter: Wow. I can’t believe they actually really like him!

Betsey: [watching the interview live on TV] I can.

The End

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