SCRIPT: Coyotes vs Jack Rabbits

Meanwhile, in the apartment above Bloody Mary’s Bar…

Liz is sitting in a chair in the middle of the room watching Andrew pace around. Finally, he loses track of his train of thought and turns around to acknowledge her.

Andrew: Hiya, honey! Guess what? I got a surprise for ya!

Andrew takes a fancy package off his desk and hands it to Liz. She looks down at it skeptically.

Liz: It’s another weird sex thing, isn’t it?

Andrew: [defensively] He’s not a weird sex thing! He’s a perfectly healthy, natural, normal expression of male sexuality.

Liz: Of course you are, darling.

Andrew: Whatever. Just open it up! Quickly! I’m really excited for you to see it!

Liz: [muttering under her breath] It’s totally a weird sex thing.

Liz opens the gift and discovers a pair of outfits with matching accessories. First she pulls out a pair of red silk shorts, a furry grey hat with pointed ears, and a long fluffy tail. Second, a little blue onesie with yellow racing stripes down the sides, a set of bunny ears, and a soft puffy tail. Finally, a brand new Jack Rabbit vibrator. Liz looks down at the “gift” and sighs heavily.

Liz: Yep, it’s definitely another weird sex thing.

Andrew: It’s not weird. It’s Homecoming. This rivalry is very important to me. That’s why we’re sticking to the theme.

Liz: And what is the theme, Andrew?

Andrew: [smiles widely] It’s Coyotes vs. Jack Rabbits. Get it?

Liz: No.

Andrew: [puts on the furry hat and starts singing to himself softly] I’m a little coyote, yote, yote, and I’m gonna eat some bunnies for lunch…

Liz: [eyes widen in shock] Oh my god…

Andrew picks up the bunny ears and gently places them on Liz’s head. He winks at her in the mirror. She looks up at him with a judgmental side-eye.

Andrew: I really like this game. It’s my favourite. I’ll be The Coyote, and you be The Jack Rabbit. You let me chase you around until I finally catch you! Then I tear you apart and have you for lunch. I always win the game because you can’t escape from me. Get it?

Liz: [facepalm] Yeah… got it.

Andrew grins at her devilishly and makes claws with his hands. He growls at her and bares his teeth.

Andrew: Grr! I’m gonna eat you up!

He chuckles at his own joke, smooths his hair back, and looks down at Liz with a sparkle in his eyes. He looks at her as if he suddenly feels like a young man again.

Liz: What the hell did I get myself into this time?

Andrew: It gets better. Just wait. You’ll see.

Liz: And people tell me I’m writing a fairytale. That’s funny.

Andrew: You are writing a fairytale. Old fairytales have lots of beastiality in them.

Liz: Oh boy.

Andrew turns around and winks at the audience, then closes the curtains for some privacy.

The End

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