How is this week going? Not so great. I’ve managed to completely screw up my first virtual event due to my raging social anxiety. I’d like to thank everyone who negged, harassed, and bullied me over the course of my life for getting me here.
Social anxiety is really hard for me. It prevents me from doing most of the constructive things I’d like to do in life. It keeps me distant from people. The reason for this is because of all the bad experiences I’ve had with people in my life. I’ve had too many negative interactions. I don’t want to go through that ever again, but it just keeps happening to me no matter where I go. I’ve tried to work on it by taking communications classes, but whenever a new event pops up, I revert back to my old ways. Isolation is the only way to stay completely safe from those who set out to hurt me.
Am I overthinking all of this? Probably. Most likely. Yes. But it is what it is. Part of me is glad I’m trying, even if I keep falling flat on my face. I like to be around people. I do. I’m a social person. I like parties, especially if they have a theme. It’s fun to meet new people. I just… struggle with the fear of meeting new people??????
In spite of everything bad, there is still a piece of me that believes I will find the right people someday. Apparently that day was not today, nor Thursday. Apparently it was all destined to go wrong and teach me a lesson, as if that’s really what I need right now instead of just being allowed to enjoy myself for once. Alas, maybe next time. Or maybe I will just continue screwing up and never gain the kind of respect I need from people to establish a successful professional career. 🙁
Now that I’ve completely messed this event up, I’m terrified of messing up the conference. This is a big professional moment for me. I have a meeting with an agent. She is very busy and important. She doesn’t have time for people who mess around. All I can think to myself is, “How will I screw it up? I always screw up, even when I think positively.” It’s not the thought process I would like to have. I need to change it to be more positive. I just… can’t.
Sometimes it feels like it’s out of my control. Like no matter how hard I try, something will happen to keep me from the event. For example, today one of the dogs ran away. I discovered it just as I went to get coffee before logging into the event. The dog never runs away, but it chose to do so on the day I had an important event. Out of my control. Totally and completely out of my control. So the question is… why? Why is it so out of my control? I had good vibes, I thought positive thoughts, I tried something new, I put myself out there, I got up and was half ready, then boom. Dog gone. Out of my control.
This happens to me a lot. There’s always some factor out of my control. Sometimes I wonder if I’m cursed. I frequently have bad luck. I need to go to a voodoo shop in New Orleans and get a cleanse. I don’t want to miss out on life anymore because of some odd enchantment. I need to get out there and build my professional network!
What is the solution to this problem? I don’t know. Keep trying, even if continue screwing up? Don’t give up no matter what? Take another communications class? Sign up for another event? Visit a Voodoo Priestess in New Orleans? I guess I will keep trying them all and see what finally works.