It Is What It Is

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Currently sitting in a coffee shop with my “Professional Writing” notebook sitting in front of me. I’ve put a lot of work into it in the last year. It contains notes from the classes I’ve taken, workshops & conferences I’ve attended, and several versions of my business plan. It feels pretty good to look at it. It’s so easy to feel like I accomplished nothing during Covid, but it turns out that’s not true at all. I’m on my way to living up to the name “Writer Extraordinaire.” And you know what? I have to say… there’s nothing quite like the validation from myself of knowing that it’s happening because of me. I did the work. I put in the time. I ignored everything the haters said and did, I stood up for myself, and I will be rewarded with a fabulous career because of it. Feels good!

Are the haters still hating? Of course they are. Someone actually told me to kill myself last week. I just walked by and all of a sudden he was screaming at me to go kill myself. Downtown. In the middle of the sidewalk. In broad daylight. Like, what a freak, amiright, you guys? Who does that? Seriously? Are you some drugged-out transient on the streets of LA? What is even going on here right now?

Yeah, so I’m still putting up with winners like that, in addition to the gossipmongers who are currently trying to make me look bad by talking about something that happened last year. Like I didn’t spend 4 months on the East Coast, take trips to NYC/Boston/Providence/DC/St. Louis/Kansas City and collect stories from the pandemic. Like I haven’t dedicated all of my time and energy to online classes, virtual events, workshops, conferences, and lest we forget the 4 months I spent dancing and mastering the art of walking into an audition like I own the room. Like I haven’t been editing my book, searching for new inspiration, and setting up a new website. Like I haven’t spent every waking minute studying digital marketing even though I hate social media just so I can get a remote job. Like I haven’t been planning trips around Africa, or researching spiritual retreats at yoga ashrams, or thinking about joining the Peace Corps, or keeping up with both my French and Spanish in my free time just in case.

What the hell have these people been doing? I’ll tell you what they’ve been doing: They’ve been sitting at Bloody Mary’s, talking shit about everyone they know because they are totally miserable with their sad, little pathetic lives. Here’s my question for them: when was the last time you even left South Dakota? Was it years ago? What did you do? Go to Las Vegas? Wow, you’re so worldly and cultured! You’re really in a strong position to look down on other people and judge them for being different! No wonder you’re still hung up on shit that happened 5 years ago. It’s the most exciting thing you’ve ever been a part of! Now YOU, yes YOU, YOU are not ready to let it go just quite yet. You love the drama. You can’t get enough. You want more and more, and you don’t care who you hurt to get it. And just think, for all the lies and negativity you spread, you are still nothing. You’re still some nobody from some tiny little podunk town in the middle of fucking nowhere and you know it. Tearing me down can’t change who you are on the inside. You will never be on my level and that’s what makes you so mad.

So anyway, like I was saying, fuck the haters with No Vaseline. Seriously. No one cares about your bullshit anymore. Take the free advertising for what it is and get the hell over it!

No one knows why they’re mad. Really, I don’t. But I’m also extremely focused on myself and my level up journey at this point in my life. I’m not going to be a doormat or a people-pleaser anymore. I’m not going to “listen” to people who are screaming at me about what a terrible person I am while they are dressed like literal slobs. I can’t. I’m very busy and important. I don’t want to hear it anymore. I’m turning up the radio, putting Ice Cube on blast, and tuning you the fuck out while I learn how to do my makeup so it brings out the intensity of my eyes. Why? Just because I can. I do it for me because it makes me feel good to leave the house looking like I just walked off the Parisian runway. Maybe if you treated yourself the same way, you wouldn’t need to hurt other people to make yourself feel better.

Hey, yeah, so I actually do feel a lot better after putting this out into the world. I’m just so tired. I’ve spent my entire life being bullied because I’m different. It comes from all sorts of different people, including my family members. I’m so over it! I just want to be me! I don’t want to be screamed at anymore because I’m taking ballet as an adult or walking around a small town in a dress and high heels. Yeah, I’m loud and I’m obnoxious and I’m opinionated and I don’t give a fuck what you think about it. I’m all that, and a kind person… until you piss me off, of course. But hey, that doesn’t really matter so much, does it?

So yeah, after a lifetime of putting up with this, I’m not taking it anymore. I’m standing up and saying, this is me. This is who I am. I like myself and I’m not going to change. If you don’t like it, go fuck yourself with no Vaseline. I don’t want to hear it anymore.

I feel good saying all of this. I do. And you know what else I’m getting out of not giving a fuck? I actually wrote a story last night! A real one! Well, sort of. It was definitely about Andrew, but it’s fine. He asked me to write him a story about him pretending to be a Compliance Officer. It was funny and sweet and cute and very, very sexy. I liked it. I couldn’t help myself. Writing it felt like being on heroin, or at least what I imagine heroin feels like because I’ve definitely never touched that shit in my life. Maybe not heroin. Heroin kinda gives me “Under the Bridge” vibes. Maybe more like… ecstasy or something fun like that. Anyway, I don’t do drugs so I can’t make quality metaphors relating my process to drugs. Let’s just say it was like being on drugs and assume you understand what that means.

The point is… it felt good. Really good. Soooo good. And here is my real question: if it’s so wrong to write about him, then WHY does actually writing about him feel so good? Yep, I gotcha there! Can’t argue with that one! And it doesn’t matter anyway. Andrew has made it very clear that he wants to be my Muse and he’s here to stay. So, I might as well write sexy, cute, fun, romantic, fluffy stories about him, right? Maybe use that inspiration to get that romance novel/screenplay I have outlined written? Maybe even write an entire series of romance novels and make fat stacks of ca$$$h monayyyyy?! Yeah, that’s what I thought. It is what it is. I’m not sorry about it and I don’t have to be.

I really like the story I wrote last night. I don’t feel the need to publish it on here. That will just make them blow up even further and I don’t really need that right now. As you can see from the previous paragraphs, I’m working really hard to get my shit together. I don’t need anyone interfering with that. Therefore, I will keep him to myself… for now. Until it’s ready for the world to see. They just don’t understand our relationship. They don’t understand what it means for an artist to have a Muse. I can’t explain it. It is what it is. If you don’t get it, you don’t get it. I don’t have to limit my creative expression because they can’t understand. So when the time is right and the romance novel is written, edited, re-written, re-edited, re-re-written, re-re-edited, re-re-re-written, re-re-re-edited, et cetera x10, then I will show it to the world. But for now… I shall keep my secret sexy snake safe here with me. <3

Wowza, I feel so much better now that I’ve written several things in the last 48 hours. I’ve been bad and writing on Twitter again, which is my absolute WORST habit. I know it. But it’s something. A little bit of something after a long time of nothing is a lot. It really is something. 🙂 So yeah, I’ll take the story about the “Compliance Officer.” Just for fun. Just a little bit of fluff after a year and a half of apocalyptic hellscape. Maybe a little bit of fluff is exactly what everyone needs.

Well, I guess that’s all I have to say for now. I feel so much better about life now. I really do. Everything is going to be okay!

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