Monday morning. Rocksteady Radio. Wondering what I should work on with my writing today.
Spending a lot of time sitting with my Paris in South Dakota “book” lately. I mean “book” in the sense of a “magazine book.” It’s more like a collection of articles ideas, outlines, and concepts I’ve assembled over time. I also have a Pinterest board containing looks for the layout. I feel like all I do is sit there and stare at my pile of stuff with a glazed look in my eye. Like, derp. Same with all my screenplay ideas. I have a lot of piles of concepts and outlines and struggle to execute them. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I also try to be patient with myself. I’ve been working on this project since I went to the Paris Writing Workshop in 2019. It was there that I conceived of this idea for the first time. I promptly returned and spent the next six months partying my face off until the world shut the bars down and I was forced into a mostly-sober bout of solitude to reflect on the monster I’d become.
Thank god for Covid. I used all of my lockdown time productively. If I wasn’t taking some sort of online class, I was networking with other creatives on social or at conferences. I watch was watching TV and movies. I was studying three languages. I was dancing, singing, acting, designing, organizing. All of this project came about as the result of that. So right now we are looking at: 6-9 months of conception, 3 years of development, and a 2-year break due to my entire life imploding. Not bad, not bad. Seems like we’re back on target. Seems like we’re getting the train back on track. You see? I was made for Hollywood. I’ve become quite accustomed to certain projects failing completely, others getting bad reception/negative reviews, or being taken over by big business narcissists who think it’s now their job to run my show, and now I have one that has been stuck in development hell for 5 years. Yeah, sure, I can handle creating like this. No problem. Get me a foot in the door and I’ll be in it to win it for life.
Yeah, I like referring to it this way:
COMING SOON: PARIS IN SOUTH DAKOTA: CURRENTLY STUCK IN DEVELOPMENT HELL!
The only thing I know what to do with it right now is set my intention every yoga class to “unblock my creative center and allow me to freely express myself again.” Then I spend time sitting with it. I’m just struggling to find a third space right now that I like to write in. Nothing feels right. The whole damn town is off. Old spaces no longer function as they once did. I’ve completely lost my taste for coffee shops and espresso. Starbucks has ruined it for me forever. I just… I don’t know anymore.
Had a really weird, unfortunate encounter when I was out to lunch on Saturday. I don’t even want to talk about it. It was so annoying. Let’s just say someone felt the need to put a diagnostic label on me that I did not ask for, want, or need while I was just sitting there trying to eat my fucking lunch in peace. I have no interest in diagnostic labels. They do not make me feel better. They do not “help me better understand myself.” Diagnostic labels are a little box that “normal people” need to put “others” in to make them feel better about their own insecurities. I have spent my entire life being subjected to other’s peoples labels. As a result, I do not like labels of any kind. I do not want to use labels of any kind. I just want to be a *HUMAN BEING*. Labels just open up the door for other people to openly harass me in public and bully me out of the workplace. Fuck labels. Labels have no benefit to me whatsoever. The only label I want is WRITER EXTRAORDINAIRE. All others can kindly fuck right off. The End.
So annoying. I just can’t. I admit that I’ve really been vibing with the peaceful sense of stability living in a small town brings, but oh. my. fucking. god. do. I. hate. the. fucking. people. Seriously, what the fuck? I know this guy was wasted, but dude, I’m literally just trying to eat my lunch. Why are you all up in my beezwax in front of everyone? Now you have opened up another door that will allow more people to comfortably target me in public and get away with it. Such a dick move. Thank you SO MUCH for your “help.”
I was literally sitting there the entire time like, “I just want to be at a fucking Deli in some random neighborhood in NYC, getting a tuna melt on an everything bagel in peace, with the only person harassing me in public being the local bum on the corner asking for change.” Ugh.
It’s been bugging me a lot for two days. Ready to hide in my house again for the next several weeks and avoid all human interaction whatsoever. I always convince myself that some socialization is better than no socialization, and then I just wind up on an endless carousel ride of random bullshit. Ugh.
Must get ready for my workout class now. Will leave the cup half full of creative juice and return later with the result.
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7:20pm
Back again. Just finished my weekend binge of Girls5Eva, which I highly recommend. Currently watching Irish Wish, the new Lindsay Lohan flick. I’m here for her big comeback! It’s nice to just chill out to while I snack. Hello Mother Ireland! So beautiful. Worth a watch just for the gratuitously gorgeous scenery. What can I say? I love a good chick flick!
Glad I’m sticking to my workout schedule. I’m going about 4x a week now. It’s definitely improving my mood a lot. I was very annoyed by various events earlier in the day that are no longer bothering me. Lessening my desire to drink and smoke cigarettes. Helping me stay in some semblance of a routine. I feel like I’m finally starting to find that sense of peace with the world that I’ve longed to find for a long time. Feels good. Planning to focus on maintaining that sense of stability for a long time.
Still have to do my March Madness picks. Still have to write some articles. Still have to work up the energy to apply for more jobs after yet another round of failures. Not the best market. Still, I persist. It will get better once my new blog is online. I really have to focus on getting that out into the world. I don’t know what is still holding me back. That’s why I’m doing so much yoga over it, I guess.
I guess that’s all I have to say for the day. Just focusing on making positive changes and staying in a healthy mindset. It’s getting easier every day…
Off to enjoy some beautiful scenery from the Motherland (one of mine, anyway) now. Cheerio!