BLOG: Split Post Experiment

Monday morning. Rocksteady Radio. Wondering what I should work on with my writing today.

Spending a lot of time sitting with my Paris in South Dakota “book” lately. I mean “book” in the sense of a “magazine book.” It’s more like a collection of articles ideas, outlines, and concepts I’ve assembled over time. I also have a Pinterest board containing looks for the layout. I feel like all I do is sit there and stare at my pile of stuff with a glazed look in my eye. Like, derp. Same with all my screenplay ideas. I have a lot of piles of concepts and outlines and struggle to execute them. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I also try to be patient with myself. I’ve been working on this project since I went to the Paris Writing Workshop in 2019. It was there that I conceived of this idea for the first time. I promptly returned and spent the next six months partying my face off until the world shut the bars down and I was forced into a mostly-sober bout of solitude to reflect on the monster I’d become.

Thank god for Covid. I used all of my lockdown time productively. If I wasn’t taking some sort of online class, I was networking with other creatives on social or at conferences. I watch was watching TV and movies. I was studying three languages. I was dancing, singing, acting, designing, organizing. All of this project came about as the result of that. So right now we are looking at: 6-9 months of conception, 3 years of development, and a 2-year break due to my entire life imploding. Not bad, not bad. Seems like we’re back on target. Seems like we’re getting the train back on track. You see? I was made for Hollywood. I’ve become quite accustomed to certain projects failing completely, others getting bad reception/negative reviews, or being taken over by big business narcissists who think it’s now their job to run my show, and now I have one that has been stuck in development hell for 5 years. Yeah, sure, I can handle creating like this. No problem. Get me a foot in the door and I’ll be in it to win it for life.

Yeah, I like referring to it this way:

COMING SOON: PARIS IN SOUTH DAKOTA: CURRENTLY STUCK IN DEVELOPMENT HELL!

The only thing I know what to do with it right now is set my intention every yoga class to “unblock my creative center and allow me to freely express myself again.” Then I spend time sitting with it. I’m just struggling to find a third space right now that I like to write in. Nothing feels right. The whole damn town is off. Old spaces no longer function as they once did. I’ve completely lost my taste for coffee shops and espresso. Starbucks has ruined it for me forever. I just… I don’t know anymore.

Had a really weird, unfortunate encounter when I was out to lunch on Saturday. I don’t even want to talk about it. It was so annoying. Let’s just say someone felt the need to put a diagnostic label on me that I did not ask for, want, or need while I was just sitting there trying to eat my fucking lunch in peace. I have no interest in diagnostic labels. They do not make me feel better. They do not “help me better understand myself.” Diagnostic labels are a little box that “normal people” need to put “others” in to make them feel better about their own insecurities. I have spent my entire life being subjected to other’s peoples labels. As a result, I do not like labels of any kind. I do not want to use labels of any kind. I just want to be a *HUMAN BEING*. Labels just open up the door for other people to openly harass me in public and bully me out of the workplace. Fuck labels. Labels have no benefit to me whatsoever. The only label I want is WRITER EXTRAORDINAIRE. All others can kindly fuck right off. The End.

So annoying. I just can’t. I admit that I’ve really been vibing with the peaceful sense of stability living in a small town brings, but oh. my. fucking. god. do. I. hate. the. fucking. people. Seriously, what the fuck? I know this guy was wasted, but dude, I’m literally just trying to eat my lunch. Why are you all up in my beezwax in front of everyone? Now you have opened up another door that will allow more people to comfortably target me in public and get away with it. Such a dick move. Thank you SO MUCH for your “help.”

I was literally sitting there the entire time like, “I just want to be at a fucking Deli in some random neighborhood in NYC, getting a tuna melt on an everything bagel in peace, with the only person harassing me in public being the local bum on the corner asking for change.” Ugh.

It’s been bugging me a lot for two days. Ready to hide in my house again for the next several weeks and avoid all human interaction whatsoever. I always convince myself that some socialization is better than no socialization, and then I just wind up on an endless carousel ride of random bullshit. Ugh.

Must get ready for my workout class now. Will leave the cup half full of creative juice and return later with the result.

7:20pm

Back again. Just finished my weekend binge of Girls5Eva, which I highly recommend. Currently watching Irish Wish, the new Lindsay Lohan flick. I’m here for her big comeback! It’s nice to just chill out to while I snack. Hello Mother Ireland! So beautiful. Worth a watch just for the gratuitously gorgeous scenery. What can I say? I love a good chick flick!

Glad I’m sticking to my workout schedule. I’m going about 4x a week now. It’s definitely improving my mood a lot. I was very annoyed by various events earlier in the day that are no longer bothering me. Lessening my desire to drink and smoke cigarettes. Helping me stay in some semblance of a routine. I feel like I’m finally starting to find that sense of peace with the world that I’ve longed to find for a long time. Feels good. Planning to focus on maintaining that sense of stability for a long time.

Still have to do my March Madness picks. Still have to write some articles. Still have to work up the energy to apply for more jobs after yet another round of failures. Not the best market. Still, I persist. It will get better once my new blog is online. I really have to focus on getting that out into the world. I don’t know what is still holding me back. That’s why I’m doing so much yoga over it, I guess.

I guess that’s all I have to say for the day. Just focusing on making positive changes and staying in a healthy mindset. It’s getting easier every day…

Off to enjoy some beautiful scenery from the Motherland (one of mine, anyway) now. Cheerio!

BLOG: This Post Was Written at 3:45am

It’s quarter to four AM where I am right now. Crazy. So crazy. So out of routine. Not normal at all.

Perhaps I am writing this now because I went out earlier to write and sat there staring at all my pages laid out on the table instead. Nothing came to me then. It was so stupid. It seemed so easy. All I had to do was write 3 articles. I only had the outlines for about 100 of them sitting there right in front of me. So easy. So stupidly easy. What is 500 words in the face of nothing? Why can’t I just sit down and write 500 words about a single subject topic? Why is it so hard for me? Why do I lay out all these pages across the table and still come up with nothing? Why do I toil away day after day after day, so unable to express myself, so unable to tell my tales, so unable to write anything but this random stream on consciousness? I’ve never felt anything so frustrating in my life. Nothing even comes close. Nothing except… well… maybe… well… you know who.

So many ideas in my head, yet nothing comes. Why does it not come out on the page? I am so frustrated, so annoyed. I have been collecting material for this story for 10 years. I should be writing it right now. It’s so easy for other people. All they have to do is sit down and write 500 generic words. 500 generic words stuffed with keywords to clog up the search engine, just to create something any random robot could have copied from somewhere else. All for what? What am I doing this for? Who am I doing this for? So many times I look around and no one is there. No one is there. Why am I still writing this if no one else is there?

I guess because… it is the only thing I know how to do. It is the only thing I know how to do. Sure, I can make drinks, but what other skills do I really have other than writing? Other than sitting at the bar, talking, listening, understanding, comprehending, in three other languages now? So often I travel around and communicate with others, but to what end? What am I doing this for? Who am I doing this for? Do all my plans even have a purpose? Why am I really here?

Ugh, my mind is full of thoughts when the bourbon should have silenced them. Instead, it just silenced the demons inside me long enough to make me bold. Bold enough to go to a random bar full of strangers and just talk anyone up. Me, who used to be so shy. Me, who used to sit in the corner all alone and observe the crowd. Me, who was always outshined by everyone around me, a wilted bud still waiting for its chance to bloom. Me, the person who struggled to read the script confidently when I had to answer the phone at my first retail job. Me, the one who could never speak except through my blog. Me, the misfit, the outcast, the one who sat on the sidelines and watched as everyone else followed the script and lived their lives. Now it’s my turn. It’s finally my time to shine. What should I do? Where should I go? What should I say with my newfound voice? I want to have L’air confiance, like that way the Parisiennes have. That way I have aspired to be since I was 16 and saw what a truly confident woman looked like for the very first time. This is my true dream. To have l’air confiance…

Now I am here. I guess I made something of myself out here in LA Dakota du Sud after all. I do not care that they want to say LE when it should be LA. LA because it is our mother, our earth, our giver, our creator, the one who gave life to us all. Sometimes I do not understand the weird insistence on gender in Romantic languages for random objects and things. Who gives a fuck if it’s le pizza or la? All that matters is that it tastes delicious and we are all going to sit down and share it and eat together and enjoy it as a family. So ridiculous. This is the one thing I don’t really care about when I am studying. It doesn’t really matter if it is an object. It is just a thing. It is not one gender or another. Who *really* cares what article we use to label it?

Would you like to hear the most terrible, scandalous thing? Ugh, it’s about the Spotify Psychic. It prompted me, so I looked at the categories and contemplated them for about .00005 seconds before clicking the LOVE category and asking, “Did that one person like me as much as I thought they did?” in reference to Andrew, obviously.

It came up with “Maybe” by Janis Joplin, proceeded to play her entire Greatest Hits album, them slowly faded into the standard Classic Rock rotation I used to write my books to when I was sitting all alone at Bloody Mary’s Bar, way back in the day when You-Know-Who was running the tap. Uh huh. And you know what I did? That’s right. I sat there and I listened to that shit all. day. long.

About five hours in, I got the itch. That itch I just couldn’t help but scratch. So I did it. I dug out my box of manuscripts, opened the lid, and took out BOTH my books about Andrew. And then I sat on my bed and read them both cover-to-cover while eating spinach and artichoke dip with a spoon in my dirty sweatpants like a total fucking slob. And you know what? I loved it! Every fucking minute of it. It was the most DELICIOUS thing I have EVER tasted in my entire life, both literally AND metaphorically. I have NO RAGRATS whatsoever. It is what it is. That’s why they call me The Whoremonger!

Then I thought to myself, “If I’m sitting here right now doing this for myself, what’s stopping me from sharing this gift with the world so other women worldwide can do the same thing when they’re stuck at home all alone, disillusioned with the pathetic reality of men in this world?”

And that’s when it hit me: I should have been making money off this YEARS ago! If it wasn’t for those meddling kids and that mangy dog, I would’ve gotten away with it! You hear me?! I woulda gotten away with it!!!!!!

BLAHHHHH!

What am I doing my life? Seriously. I need some guidance or a mentor or a Muse or an Editor or SOMEONE I can actually respect to help guide me on my creative journey. I know I can do it. I just need the right team to get me where I need to go.

What am I doing with my life? Eating spindip in my sweats like a fucking slob at 4am. St. Patrick’s Day is for amateurs. Where my Sloppy Papi at?! LOL!

Oh, yes, this is a new inside joke with myself I have come up with since I started reading THE FACE OF WAR by the one and ONLY Martha Gellhorn, War Correspondent Extraordinaire. Officially Obsessed! Her writing is like… the most amazing thing I’ve ever read, especially after I quit reading serious scholarly academic books for 10 years post-uni because I was sick of reading shit written by olddeadrichwhitelandowningwhitemen. You KNOW they never taught me this shit in school! My mind is fucking blown, ya’ll. She is so real, so there, so connected, so present.

Meanwhile Hemingway, the OG inspiration for the 2016+ version of this blog, is just drunk at the bar in full blown dissociative PTSD-mode, which I am obviously 100% not judging him for because I can obviously relate (that’s how I wrote Bloody Mary’s). Yes, I am aware that was one of the most poorly-constructed sentences in the history of ever on Earth.

That being said, I AM judging him for being a misogynist asshole. Officially referring to him and his post-WWII works as “Sloppy Papi’s Lifestyle Blog for Daytime Drunks and Wannabe Writer Extraordinaires.” Martha is 1000x the writer he ever was. I have made it my life’s mission to ensure her works are recognized by everyone everywhere forever. I’m all about that bass.

Anyway, this is what I’m currently doing with my life right now as a chronically unemployed person with a college degree and lots of creative energy with nowhere to put it. Maybe someday, things will be different. I just wish I had someone there to mentor me on my journey. I’m sick of the rugged individualist myth of specialness. That’s not how it works. That’s not how any of this works. All the greats have a mentor. They all had someone to guide them along. I need someone to guide me along. When is it my turn to finally find someone to guide me along?

Off now. So weird to write a post this late/early at night. I have not done this is so many, many, many moons. Feels like a different vibe.

Have a good night/morning, ya’ll!

BLOG: Ides of March-Inspired Verse

Friday. The Ides of March. Luckily for me, this year I am isolated enough from the world that I am not worried about backstabbers. Unlike, you know, last year, when my co-workers at Starbucks were sharpening their knives to drive directly into my back. Julius Caesar died with 23 stab wounds in his body. My soul died with the same. Luckily for both of us, our deaths did not have the intended consequence that our conspirators were hoping for. Turns out, the problem only gets bigger and badder from here on out.

What have I learned from this experience? Be pleasant to your co-workers on the surface, but do not ever try to be their friend. Document every single little thing that seems off, even if it feels silly and ridiculous at the time. Always be ready for the plot that is coming. Keep your guard up. Don’t trust anybody. Always assume the people around you have bad intentions. Protect yourself at all costs. Be suspicious of everyone. No matter what you say or do or feel, the moment you turn your back, the knives will come out. You have no control over it. You can only heed the soothsayer’s warnings not to speak at the Senate on the Ideas of March.

Ugh, what a horrible way to live. Alas, this is how it must be done out here on the lone prairie. I’ve learned the hard way not to trust any of the people I encounter out here. They are ruthless. You might have died with the third stab wound, but they won’t stop until there’s 23. That’s just how they are. I avoid them like the plague upon my health and wellbeing that they are.

As you can probably tell, I’m not feeling my brightest and best today. I fully blame the dark, cloudy weather. It’s such a downer. Also the memories. Who doesn’t love thinking about that time in their life when they lost their pets, their father, their house, and then, thanks to their shitty fucking trash co-workers, their job and health insurance as well, all within SIX MONTHS. But hey, I *DESERVED* it, right? For being so “CRAZY.” Yeah, sure. Whatever. Now you understand why I think the way I do. Good thing I did my research on Starbucks and discovered it wasn’t actually personal. They just treat their employees like garbage in general. They also treat their customers like garbage. And they steal money from both left and right. But hey, who cares as you get your elaborate $8 sugar shake. Loathe the entire concept. I will never go there ever again. And if I do, I’m spending someone else’s money, because I’m not giving them another fucking dime as long as I live. Rot in hell, Planet Starbucks. Rot in hell.

So, yeah, getting over that experience has been hard, but I’m working on it. Reading accounts collected by Starbucks Workers United and keeping up with the Union’s activities helps A LOT. Like I said, it takes the individual factor out of it and makes me feel like I’m part of a larger movement for worker’s rights in this country. We need Unions now more than ever. We need to make sure the working people of this country, who were so essential during the pandemic, are being taken care of. Not everyone can be a CEO or a doctor or lawyer or engineer or whatever. Someone has to make the coffee. Someone has to serve the drinks. Someone has to clean the toilet. Someone has to do the jobs you don’t want to do. The people who do them don’t deserve any less than others just because their jobs are not as glamorous. So many are artists, writers, actors, singers, dancers, creatives just trying to get by so they can support themselves while they work on their passion projects. Why do they deserve less when Netflix and Spotify are the first places people turn to when the world shuts down? Why do we treat our working people like shit?

This feeling of unity is the true source of my anger at the people I directly worked with. What they did to me was horrible and disgusting and shameful. It was selfish. It was mean. It was the completely opposite of the spirit of community. But again, how much of it happened because they are awful people on an individual level, and how much of it was because they were being told by leadership to behave in certain ways in order to creative a situation where I would willingly leave? That is literally Constructive Termination. It’s illegal. It’s wrong. It’s shockingly common within their corporate structure. And my co-workers participated in it because they’re selfish and mean and wanted something for themselves.

I’m not like that. I’m not going to target someone I know is in a weak, difficult spot so I can destroy them for my own selfish gain. I will never be like that. I will never step on someone else so I can climb the ladder and become just like them. That’s not me. That’s not who I am. It is a great strength to be kind to others, not a weakness to be exploited. I would rather hold out my hand and lift someone up than kick them when they are down. Starbucks and I clearly are not compatible when it comes to this belief. They chose the path of evil. That is why I do not support their company anymore.

As I continue to process this shockingly difficult experience in my life that shook me to my core and made me realize that yes, most people are in fact, just stupid, mean, selfish, and out for themselves, I try to look for Hope that things will Change. I look for good people doing good things. Obviously, I have to go on the internet for that since I live in South Dakota and therefore almost never encounter actual good people doing good things without some kind of ulterior, exploitive, self-interested motive. I try to believe that I can build a new career in a different industry where my workplace won’t be so toxic. I try to believe I can meet new people, make new friends, find new love, and get involved in my community. Again, SD isn’t really set up for that because it is so fucking hostile to outsiders, so it might take another year or two for any of that to manifest. Frankly, I’m more concerned with the career bit at the moment. I just have to believe there are better things for me out there. I’m not stuck in one place. I’m not trapped here forever. I’m perfectly capable of moving beyond. No one is here to tie me down and suffocate me anymore. I just need to believe there are good things and good people in this world. I need to believe things can change. Life will not always be sad and dark and full of needlessly mean people.

Someday, my life will finally be beautiful too. I will build something I am proud of. I will make my own choices for myself instead of being controlled by others. I will find love, friendship, family, and community. I will find a job I love. I will write great things and travel the world and finally be free to be me without the weight of abuse holding me down anymore.

Someday, I will finally be free.

Someday, I will finally be me.

BLOG: 2 Posts for the Price of 1

March 11, 2024 — 10:00am

Monday. Spring Break. Sitting on the balcony surrounded by all of my plants, drinking a cup of coffee and watching the cat. Town is very quiet. I can hear the sounds of the birds singing, the cars passing by down on the street, the construction workers yelling at each other from a block away. It’s not so bad here, I guess. At least it’s quiet when you really take the time to sit down and enjoy the peace. Still, it is all too comfortable and stagnant. Unfortunately, I am still trapped here for the time being. At least my personal version of hell is comfortable and well-decorated…

Amazed by just how much I missed the sunshine and my beautiful balcony garden. Maybe I should move to the south of France where they have 360 days of sunshine a year. Or anywhere with warmth and sunshine, really. I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. I just want to be happy. It seems like moving somewhere that is completely opposite weather-wise to South Dakota will help solve that problem. I need more Vitamin D.

Not much to say today other than the fact that I am feeling quite at peace. I’ve had a lot of my “PTSD movies” playing in my mind this weekend, so that has been tough. A lot of it has to do with my parents. Grief sucks! Also, Starbucks, which I hate. I don’t want to think about that experience anymore. If anything, it should be a lesson in what poor leadership looks like on a corporate-wide level. What they did to me was wrong, but I am not alone in my experience. That is why the Union exists and that is why the media has documented so many bad things about the way they run that company. I don’t know why it’s still eating at me so much. I guess I just can’t believe how truly terrible some people are. It’s disturbing to me, especially because the people who were treating me like that have been victims of bullying themselves. It’s the cycle of abuse and trauma live in action. It’s… disturbing. There’s no other way to describe it. Just… Disturbing. What I experienced working there was disturbing on so many levels. But again, as a History major, I know… that’s just the way humanity works. There’s nothing special about the Seventh Generation. It’s just more of the same old dumb shit.

In order to cheer myself up, I spent the weekend indulging in a fascinating documentary series on Amazon called “Extraordinary Women.” Wow! What an incredible series! First of all, it was incredible to finally hear the stories of all these important women from the 20th century whose names were left out of the history books. Second, the use of film from those eras to tell the stories made it the single best Her-Story class I’ve ever taken. I took a whole class in college on the US in the 60’s and 70’s and NOT ONCE did my old white male professor EVER incorporate visual aids. No film, no pictures, no audio clips, NOTHING! He just stood up in front of the podium and talked at us for an hour. I had no idea anyone could make that era seem so fucking boring, but wow did he manage it. He turned out to be revealed as a super creepy predator about a year or two later and it blew up his entire career, so don’t worry about him teaching his boring version of history anymore.

I digress. My favourite features from the series were Martha Gellhorn, Josephine Baker, and Grace Kelly. First of all, MARTHA!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!! Why didn’t I ever know anything about Martha?! She is 100x the writer Hemingway was, and she wasn’t a sloppy-ass drunk!!! She snuck onto an American Military Hospital Ship so she could report on the D-Day landing! She was banned from the Vietnam War! She went to Brazil when she was in her 80’s so she could report on street gang violence against children! She did all of this AND SO MUCH MORE! So, so, so, so, so much more. I am officially obsessed with her! New inspiration! I need to read everything she has ever written immediately. Slay, Queen.

I feel like Josephine Baker is pretty obvious because she was a badass bitch! She ran ammunition and supplies across the border for the French Resistance in her airplane! I just love her so much. As for Grace Kelly, well, I actually knew very little about her other than her movies, photos, and Fairy Tale Princess story. Turns out we actually have the same taste in men, which is several decades older and married. Yeah, actually, pretty much all the women in this documentary were messing around with men like this, so, I definitely feel a lot less bad about it now. Still not loving it, but it’s good to know it’s not something that will ruin my life. It just makes me more interesting, I guess. Definitely helped boost my self-esteem, lol.

Anyway, that bit aside, loved the whole series. HIGHLY recommend, especially if you want some fresh her-story content that doesn’t focus on richwhitelandowningmen. It was like taking a breath of fresh air. It’s the perfect way to honor and celebrate International Women’s Day and Women’s Her-story Month. Just incredible. I need another ten seasons worth of material and several glamorized spin-off series fictionalizing the lives of these women. I will write all of it by myself if I have to. I volunteer as tribute. Take me, Hollywood! I won’t disappoint you! I will write amazing her-storical fiction women across the globe will love!

Must break from writing this for now, but there is more to say. I have to go to my workout class. I missed it last week, so I don’t want to miss it again. I will return to finish this blog post later.


March 13, 2024 — 10:00am

Here I am, two days later, sitting back in my chair. Where have I been? The answer is… Deep in thought, as per usual. Does anything ever change? Too much time thinking, not enough time acting.

I can feel the creative wheels start turning faster. Seems like that new project should be along soon. I gave myself an informal deadline by putting up a post about it on LinkedIn. Now the pressure is really on. I’ve got two different sources I actually respect holding my accountable to this project in a very informal way, which is exactly what I need.

One reason I left this post unfinished and returned to it later was to test how I do with not putting all of my creative juice into these types of blogs. What I should be doing is going through everything I’ve written in the last year and putting out single-subject posts from them. Instead I’m just writing the same five things over and over again. Time to stop writing and start mining. Then we’ll Frankenstein this project together, give it a lovely makeover so that it can move through the world without being held back by superficial judgments about its appearance, and present it live onstage at the Oscars in a surprise halftime show. Or maybe just the sideshow they put on during commercial break while everyone gets up to go to the bar or use the bathroom. Sure, whatever, I take it. Dignity. Always dignity.

So how did leaving the creative juice jar half-full work out for me on Monday? Well… not bad. I heard this story at lunch that sounded a little too familiar. Decided to do some investigation work to see if the version I know has reached a similar point yet. Had to go into a place I usually don’t go, so I called up a male friend to escort me so it wouldn’t look weird if I was just sitting there alone like I usually do. That worked out pretty well in my favour. Unfortunately, I did not acquire the information I was looking for. So, I decided once again to walk away from the mess. For whatever reason, it keeps coming back around on me, which is never a good sign in these types of situations. I guess this just means I’m meant to do what I’m meant to be doing.

As far as job hunting is going, I’m still struggling with the Starbucks flashbacks. Ugh. It’s so annoying. I don’t ever want to think about that place ever again. I need to come up with a better narrative so I can finally move on from it. Right now I’m going with “This is a fabulous example of what bad leadership on a corporate-wide scale looks like. Learn from it and find a company where this same leadership structure is not present.” That seems to be the healthiest direction to go with it. Everything that happened was the result of increasingly questionable leadership, which I honestly had little to no respect for by the end. The US Foreign Service Test really showed me how similar it was to any number of Cold War Conflicts where an angry mob runs out the original leader, leaves a massive power vacuum, and the newly “elected” leader kills anyone who steps up to fill said vacuum in order to avoid exposing their incompetence. The result is the collapse of diplomatic relations, great civil unrest among the people, and mass executions of dissidents in the public square. Same exact situation, to a T. I actually already feel so much better after re-writing the story that way. Forget Starbucks. They’re trash. I deserve better than that. I deserve better than the service industry in general. I clearly have other, more valuable skills I could be using at work.

I guess it’s good I’m sitting with all of these emotions, but some days I get really fucking tired of having emotions. I’ve had enough emotions to last a lifetime. I’m done with feeling ALL the emotions, lol. Alas. I can try to be Stoic, but I know deep down there’s always going to be a video on the internet of unlikely animal friendships that sets off an epic cry fest. Why? Because I am not a monster and I don’t want to be. I’d rather have emotions than, ya know, the exact opposite, which is literally becoming a serial killer. Not the lifestyle for me. I prefer to be clean and pretty and problem-free. Blood is hard to get out of both clothes and hair. I’m not about to create a whole new set of problems for myself when I’m only just beginning my independent adult life.

Neurodivergent brains are so fun to pick through, ne? So many weird, random connections that make no sense at all. What the fuck is she even talking about right now? Who even knows anymore? We’re just here for the very elaborate sideshow.

Well, that’s all I got as far as the juice goes today. Right now my life very much focused on my new blog project, my job hunt, working out, and maintaining my household. Very normal. Very healthy. I am already manifesting a happier life for myself. I’m proud of that. I’m working very hard to be a healthy person. I wish more people I knew appreciated that, but the fact that they don’t proves they are not the kind of people I should be spending time around. The fact that I’ve been able to make such massive leaps of progress since my mom has been gone is the biggest evidence of that. So happy she’s not around anymore…

Off now to work on something. I’m not sure what. I have a couple of projects I’m rotating between. 20 minutes of LinkedIn here, a load of laundry there, 30 minutes of staring at a screen trying to write, 20 minutes cleaning the bathroom, turning on the TV for background noise while I stare at a screen pretending to write again. How do I write like Tina Fey? I just want to be like Tina Fey.

Have a good day. Will write again later.

BLOG: Spring Break-It-Down

Friday. Spring Break starts today. Not that it matters in my life, of course. It’s just notable because it means most of the town is about to mass exodus outta here for the next week or so. That means it will be quiet and boring. Just the right conditions for something ridiculous to happen. I get some of my best stories when the town empties out. That’s when the really crazy characters are bold enough to walk about. Looking forward to it.

Life continues on as usual. Cooking, cleaning, working out, job hunting, watching TV, trying to force my new blog project out of my soul. It’s not coming out. It’s afraid. It’s tired of dealing with negativity and backlash. That’s why it’s keeping its secrets to itself lately. Needs to be reminded that there have always been haters, there will always be haters, and it’s my job to learn to block them out so I can succeed as a professional writer and career-oriented woman. They didn’t stop me when we were in middle school, and they won’t stop me now. It is what it is.

Still super obsessed with my workouts, which is great. The best part is coming home from class and sitting around in my outfits for as long as I want without my evil mother screaming at me about how “disgusting” my “fat ass” looks in yoga pants and telling me I need to change or cover up. That was one of her favourite go-to moves to ruin any good day I was having. Oh, Betsey actually looks happy for once? Better start screaming at her again. Gotta remind her she’s a stupid, useless piece of shit who needs to stay in her place and never outshine me, a total and complete narc-ass bitch.

And people wonder why I don’t want her in my life. Bitch is fucking crazy, yo. I don’t know how many of all ya’ll out there have actually seen me in person, but I am a very tiny little petite person. There is nothing fat about me, and even if there was, who gives a flying fuck? Fat-shaming is soooooooo last century! All bodies are beautiful. No one wants to look like they’re an extra in Trainspotting anymore. Let it go!

Lately my creativity is manifesting in the kitchen. Last night I did a Panera-themed “Fake-Out” (Faux Take-Out) meal with a a very elaborate garden salad and a fresh batch of broccoli & cheese soup. I’ve made the soup about 5ish times so far this winter. I’ve been experimenting with different techniques to thicken the soup. Last night I made more roux than I usually do and that was a huge game-changer. It was just the right amount of thick without turning into macaroni & cheese. I did have one batch that did that, lol. It was too thicc. Still ate it anyway because it was literally just macaroni and cheese with veggies at that point, lol. It tasted like it was supposed to, I just made the sauce too thick. Lesson learned and that’s why last night’s batch was better. Learning!

It’s also manifesting with my latest attempt at a close cleanout. Ugh. I have got to kill my shopping addiction, fast. I’ve been working on it for awhile and doing well, but I still have a problem with wandering down to the thrift store in search of a cute $5 dress and that’s how my closet keeps ending up overflowing. It’s awful. The worst part is, I am DROWNING in clothes, yet I feel like I have no defined style other than “dresses and all black everything, all the time.” It does not help that I live in a place where people actively target me because I don’t want to wear ripped jeans and ratty old t-shirts to make them feel more at ease. How can I really explore and experiment with style when I live in a place where people’s faces melt off if you do anything slightly outside of the tiny little box they live their entire lives trapped in? Exactly. The reaction to literally anything and everything I do is more hostility. Yet supposedly these are “the best people on Earth?” Yeah, right. Whatever. Keep telling yourself that. Now I understand why everyone keeps telling me I’m “delusional.” It’s just projection.

Anyway, yeah, closet problem. It inspires me to dump off every item at the thrift, buy a ticket to Paris, go shopping there during the seasonal sales to buy real clothes, and then just never leave France ever again except to travel. This has been my life plan since I was 16. I have no idea why I continually fail to manifest this dream properly, but I figure it’s because I needed all three of my previous trips to learn something important about how that country works. First trip was just falling in love with Paris through a tourist’s eyes. Second trip was learning to navigate the various challenges that come with the endless piles of paperwork, language, housing, banking, university life, travel, transportation, culture, food, and, of course, the people. Third trip was like, “Yes, actually, I CAN do this. I CAN speak the language well enough to navigate this place successfully. I CAN do my entire real estate rental deal in French. I CAN read this rental contract in French. I CAN try new food and like it. I CAN navigate my neighborhood without getting lost. I CAN use public transportation like a boss. I CAN develop a routine. I CAN get out there and meet new people without the fear of social anxiety. Yes, I CAN. After a lifetime of being told I CAN’T do anything, I have proven to myself beyond all reasonable doubt that I CAN accomplish my life dream of moving to Paris.”

And then Covid hit, lol. And then my dad died. And then I lost my job and my house and my family! Now, I have nothing to lose. Nothing except my right to vote, of course. We know France isn’t taking that away from women anytime soon! Meanwhile, in the Divided United States of America, Former Reality TV Star and Professional Criminal Donald “Grab Her By the Pussy” Trump is somehow magically allowed to run for President again thanks to his treasonous Kangaroo Court that he bought and paid for. Ridiculous. I can’t do this, ya’ll. I just can’t. I’m not going down with this rapidly sinking ship. Imma head out.

God, even just typing that out was bleak. You wanna talk about cults? That’s a cult. A big one. I talk to his local yokel deplorable followers all the time out here and I am here to reassure you that these people are not qualified to making decisions about the future of our country. People are actually telling me to my face that women should not have the right to vote. That’s absolutely fucking insane. It’s crazy. I need to get the fuck out of here. These people are evil, dangerous, stupid, and easily manipulated. Worst combination ever. So scary. I literally don’t feel safe sometimes when I’m out in the field. The reporting term “field,” I mean, not a literal, actual field.

Haha, jokes! I know, I got kinda dark and serious there for a minute, so I thought I’d try to lighten the mood with a little humor. It’s not funny, I know. It’s fucking scary as fuck. A couple of years ago, this same group of people were attacking Muslims for their religion’s treatment of women, and now they want to behave the same way. Deplorable. The worst part is, you cannot even get them to understand why the things they are saying and thinking and doing don’t align. They are so deeply, disturbingly brainwashed. I feel like Trump could get on TV and say “Execute Order 66” and all the rednecks would get their guns and just start going on localized military junta-style killing sprees like in Indonesia or Chile or Uganda or the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation in South Dakota in the 1970’s under Dick Wilson’s reign of terror. And who are they gonna come for first? That’s right. You already know. If you’re reading this post right now, you’re probably right there on that list with me. Scary, I know. It’s even scarier when you live out in the sticks like I do.

So yeah, that’s what I think about all the time. Scary. And people wonder why I constantly need to escape from reality. Turns out the politics are just one side of the equation…

Oh my god, I need to go workout now or something. I’ve just put myself into crisis mode. I clearly need to stop reading books about the CIA because I look at this government and think to myself, “We’re running our own game on ourselves. To what end, I don’t know, but I’ve seen this play out in other countries before, and I’ve met many survivors who came to this country to escape that mayhem and start a new life, and now it feels like it was all for nothing. I just can’t.”

Time to go full Law of Attraction mode and make this move to France happen. It’s the only thing I have ever really wanted out of this life. Be a writer, move to Paris, and fall in love with someone who isn’t ridiculous. Every day I turn on the news and it feels like the darkness is clothing in around me. My time to achieve this goal is growing shorter and shorter. How long before they close the borders? How long before they take my money and give it to some man? How long before they throw me in prison and torture me? How long before they shoot me in the head? Or worse, sell me into slavery to some crazy misogynist man who wants to put me in my place by raping me every day until I turn into a baby factory? Just kidding, that last part won’t happen. I’m 35. Guys like this think my eggs already expired because they don’t know anything about female biology (I still got 10 good years left in these ovaries, baby!). We all know they’re going for the little girls that just got their periods for the first time because they don’t see women as human. Don’t believe me? Check out that article in the New York Times about Instagram. It’s so much more prevalent online than you want to believe.

Meanwhile, the audience is reading this post in alarm like, “Uhhh, heyyyy, Betsey, have you thought to yourself lately that maybe you are spending too much time on reddit?” Yes, actually, I have, and reddit’s love for pedophiles, CSAM, misogyny, rape, and violence against women can only be topped by its extreme levels of hatred for women and girls. That’s why I laughed in their face when they sent me an email inviting me to buy stock in their company when they go public. Uhhh… maybe try not providing a safe space for dangerous people to exchange ideas about how to take away women’s right to vote and I will consider you as a stock option. Derp.

As you can see, I have clearly spent too much time in an unemployed state. I need to get it together. Just go super all in on the Law of Attraction, Betsey. It works. It’s gotten you cash, weed, male strippers, and a trip to Mardi Gras in New Orleans. It can get you a remote job. It will get you a remote job! Then you can finally have the luxury of focusing on your work and thriving without crazy, power-tripping bullies constantly hovering over you, making every effort to destroy your life just because you’re a little weird and don’t quite fit in with the crowd. Ugh, I’ll never understand people like that. You know, people who seem to want to *punish* others for showing any kind of unique personality trait. They’re very common out here in Crazy Conservative Jesusland, because judging every single person you meet is *obviously* what Jesus would want! Obviously! Assuming he even actually existed, of course. Therefore, if you show any amount of sparkle or shine, they will just get out the metal rod and start beating you into submission. Crazy. Deplorable. Disgusting. Not for me!

Well, somehow I got on that subject. Isn’t my brain fun? Isn’t it fun to read the random, wandering thoughts of a neurodivergent person? It’s like I cut my brain open live on Instagram and now you’re watching all the thoughts flow out in real time. So cool! Loves it!

On that note, I’m going to do something else now. Not go out for lunch, even though I usually do on Fridays. I’m just so over that spot. If there’s no randoms sitting at the bar, the conversations are always EXACTLY the same. Talk shit about the bar next door, talk shit about the Cafe, talk shit about the latest additions to the local obituary section, talk shit about people who haven’t worked here in years, talk shit about people they haven’t seen in years, talk shit about people they saw yesterday, talk shit, talk shit, talk shit, talk shit, talk shit, talk shit, talk shit. Blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. So fucking boring. Yet I’m the “crazy” one because I would rather talk about what I’m watching on TV or a random historical topic or literally anything else that doesn’t involve insulting people who aren’t physically here to defend themselves. Sure, Jan.

Luckily, I already know what they say about me when I leave that room. “OMG YOU GUYSSSSSSSSS ISN’T BETSEY HORTON JUST LIKE, SOOOOOOOO CRAZY?! OMG SHE IS SO CRAZY! WHY DOESN’T SHE UNDERSTAND EVERYONE HATES HER BECAUSE SHE’S SO CRAZY?! JUST STOP BEING CRAZY! UGH! IF YOU DON’T LIKE THE WAY WE DO THINGS, THAN YOU CAN JUST LEAVE! CRAAAAZYYYYYY! CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY! WHY AREN’T YOU LISTENING TO ME?! I’M STANDING HERE SCREAMING AT YOU THAT YOU ARE CRAZY! LISTEN TO ME HAVING A MELTDOWN IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION LIKE YOU DIDN’T HAVE THIS SAME EXACT EXPERIENCE WITH YOUR PARENTS EVERY GODDAMN DAY OF YOU LIFE! LISTEN TO ME WHILE I STAND HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET SCREAMING AT YOU AND CALLING YOU CRAZY AND TELLING YOU YOU’RE NOT WELCOME HERE! JUST LEAVE, YOU CRAZY BITCH! CRAZYYYYYYYYYYY!!! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!”

And that, ladies and not-so-gentlemen, was my written impression of the former owner of Bloody Mary’s Bar. Spot-on, right? You should see me do it IRL. It’s pretty good. I’ve really got the nonsensical word salad of random insults and accusations down. Also the way he would stand with his hands on his hips when he was mad. Got that down pat.

Yeah, anyway, it doesn’t really affect me much at this point. After all, we all know the word “crazy” is just a word misogynists use to describe intelligent women who speak their mind and don’t back down when a man tells her too. It used to be called Hysteria. It was a convenient excuse to lock women up and throw away the key. Like I said before, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Of course a bunch of deplorables think I’m “crazy.” These are the same people who want to take away women’s right to vote. Of course they’re going hard on the Hysteria shit. That’s their programming. They’re stupid, you guys. I’m smart. I don’t actually have to entertain their unqualified, uneducated opinions about anything. That’s why I’m trying to cut this place out of my rotation for good. I’m tired of being told that I am the problem by a bunch of people who barely paid attention in school. Over it.

And on that note, I take my leave. I promise I won’t go on reddit, or watch any cult documentaries, or read anymore books about the CIA today. Just kidding, of course. Netflix was like, “We saw you like French-language programming AND documentaries about cults. How about a French-language documentary about a crazy alien/UFO cult that started in France and became a worldwide sensation?” Ugh, dammit. You know me too well, algorithm. Give it to me. You know I can’t help myself.

Farewell!

BLOG: Things Are Looking Up!

Wednesday. Feeling good today, even though the weather has taken another slight downturn with all the clouds. Ready for spring. I’m all about the sunshine and good vibes. I’m starting to feel good about the future again. Everything was really rough there for awhile. The public punching bag status didn’t help at all. Grateful I’m finally learning how to block out all that noise and focus on improving myself. At the end of the day, the only person I can depend on this life is Me, Myself, and I.

This week has been productive so far. I’ve accomplished almost everything on my To Do List in terms of housework. Currently in the middle of my spring closet cleanout, which always seems to be overwhelming no matter how many bags of clothes I donate every year. Still haven’t taken the Christmas tree down, mostly because the twinkling colorful lights and collection of family heirloom ornaments help with my seasonal depression. This is actually the third year in a row I’ve left it up until mid-March for that reason. It’s weird but it helps, so, like, whatever. It’s a secular-but-spiritual, non-denominational winter tree that just so happens to have some Christmas-themed decorations on it.

Still sticking to my workout routine, which is awesome. Starting to see and feel some positive changes in my body as a result. I’ve never tried anything like this before (3-4x intense workouts a week) but I am totally obsessed! It’s strange to think of myself as “one of those fitness people,” but I think I might actually be one of those fitness people. And I’m kinda just… fine with this? It’s taking my mind off some of the darker, more difficult stuff, so I don’t really care. I’m tired of thinking about that stuff. I just want to be happy! And as we all know, exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people don’t just constantly try to escape reality to avoid the pain and trauma of living their everyday lives. They just don’t!

Cooking wise, I’m starting to get a bit braver. I’ve actually used the oven twice now. For example, last night I made vegetarian enchiladas with salsa verde, extra cheese, bell peppers, tomatoes, jalepenos, onions, chili peppers, and black beans. It was epic, delicious, and made me feel good about myself. I love knowing I can dig through my cupboard and freezer and throw something elaborate like that together using random, leftover ingredients. This is an especially fabulous goal to achieve considering that six months ago, I wouldn’t even touch an oven. Now I’m living my best Mexican/Cajun/Creole/Italiano/Greek life. Loves it! Which part of the world will I explore next? Hmm, let me think, Brazil! Duh! Someone bring me a giant rack of meat, stat. Racks on racks. Enough racks of meat to fill my inbox on a dating app. Just kidding, of course. Not really, though. Not at all.

Definitely getting along much better with LinkedIn now that I’ve been casually perusing it for 15 minutes a day. I’ve come around to it a bit. It’s actually very similar learning Portuguese. Sure, the corporate speak sounds weird at first, but over time your brain just starts processing it and automatically translating it into English. Just gotta imitate it the same way I imitate words and phrases in my target languages. No big deal. It’s not about being popular or getting likes. It’s about presenting myself a certain way and speaking a certain dialect in order to get a job. It just took a bit of getting used to after I had so many negative experiences with both social media in general and with toxic workplaces. The important thing is that I am pushing through those negative feelings and trying to replace those bad memories with positive experiences.

Writing wise… ugh. I know it’s coming soon. I can feel it. It’s like giving birth, metaphorically-speaking of course. You know it’s been cooking in there awhile, the due date is coming up, it’s gonna pop anytime, all you can do is hope everything goes according to your birth plan and that you have time to do glam before the big delivery comes. I’ve obviously never given birth, by the way. I’ve only watched the Kardashians do it on TV. Somehow, Kim always has time for glam before she gets into the delivery room. How does she manage to do it all? The world may never know.

Overall, I would say things are much better than they were six months ago. I think identifying and targeting the problem behaviors and thought processes by mapping my brain using The Body Keeps The Score was approximately 100x more effective than slapping me with a generic diagnosis and pumping me full of pills ever was. Ignoring stupid people with bad advice and hidden agendas also helped a lot. I’m actually seeing real progress in correcting old patterns for the first time in my life. What? Huh? You mean Big Pharma and Psychiatry are a massive scam that significantly damaged my developing brain throughout childhood and adolescence? They just want to keep you hooked on drugs to pay for their super yachts? There are other alternatives to mental health treatment? Who knew!

It hasn’t been easy, but I know the sun is finally going to come out. It’s been a pretty rough winter and an even rougher year. Over a year has passed since my dad died and everything in my life changed forever. Needless to say, there have been plenty of bad days. Mistakes were made. Big, embarrassing mistakes that should never be repeated, but I definitely learned a lot from. That’s okay. It’s part of growing.

I am not a perfect person. I have never claimed to be. I am just a woman on a journey to find my place in this confusing, chaotic, disorderly world. Some days I really hit it out of the park with my goals, other days I fail over and over again. The important thing is that I keep going. I wake up every day and do my best. That’s all we can do.

Hope ya’ll have a good day. I hope my posts continue to inspire you to do better for yourself and make positive change. We don’t have to be perfect and popular to be happy and healthy. We can just exist as ourselves and be at peace with it. The End.

Updated Progress Report

Hello, world. It’s me, Betsey Horton, Writer Extraordinaire. I’m writing to you again because my last post was very sad and I wanted to let you know things are getting better in my world. The sun is out, I’m wearing a mini skirt, and I’m enjoying an iced latte from the comfort of my car, which is parked downtown with the trunk door popped open so I can write and steal wifi at the same time.

Why am I doing this? Because the cafe hasn’t set up their tables and there’s nowhere else downtown to sit outside and watch people. So I made my own set up, away from The Bar That Shall Not Be Named so that they cannot harass me over their delusions of grandeur again. Something tells me they will keep doing it anyway. It’s okay. I just call them the Crazy Cult People now.

But really, it’s actually not okay. At all. Anyway, here’s how my life is going, for anyone who cares:

Novel

I’m not working on this. I mean, I am, but I’m also just not. I’m not very happy with it right now. It’s supposed to be this inspiring story of overcoming obstacles and succeeding in spite of the bullshit. Unfortunately, it’s not that. Other people will not allow it to be that. I’m still very angry and upset over everything that has happened. I’m trending sober at a 90% rate right now, so I have to spend a lot of time sitting with those feelings. It’s not fun!!! But I’m working through them. Some days are worse than others. Some days I feel like I’ll never climb out of the hole. However, I continue to persevere. I will get my happy ending. I will!

Blog

I recently made a life-changing decision and decided to invest in a blogging course advertised to me on Instagram. It was a little bit more money than I would usually spend on a course, but no more than I would pay for a single credit hour at USD. Y’all, it was worth it. I’m not going to talk too much about it yet because I’ve only just completed the first section, BUT I will say that the structure of the course is exactly what I needed to help me take my new blog plan to the next level. My hope is to start out with a travel blog that brings me passive income and eventually grow it into an online magazine. Let’s hope I can make it happen!

Courses

I jumped back into my courses after languishing for some time. Right now I’m working on copywriting and UX writing. As stated in the last post, I find social media and digital marketing somewhat frustrating, so I decided to try something else.

I am pleasantly surprised by how much I like UX. I use my iPad for everything so I am constantly evaluating app design without really being conscious of it. UX also has a completely different way of integrating human psychology into writing. Marketing is all about selling people shit, even if it’s a lie. I’ve met a lot of super shady marketing people throughout my digital nomad journey and they kind of put me off it. UX isn’t like that. It’s literally just about creating a design that will make using websites and apps a more pleasant experience.

I’m also attracted to UX for other reasons, such as the availability of remote jobs with benefits, the ability to work from a beach on the island of Zanzibar, and an insanely high salary. It’s insane. Literally insane. Look it up if you don’t believe me. I did and I was like, “Wow, I’m never going to have to worry about paying rent or buying groceries ever again.” I can’t even imagine having that much money. Forget bartending! I’m investing in UX!

Right now I’m taking a UX design fundamentals course. I signed up for a portfolio course to help me put together something to use to apply for jobs. I signed up for a webinar specifically for UX Writing next week. I also joined a bunch of groups on Facebook and reddit. Will I finally be forced to use LinkedIn? Probably. It’s not my favourite platform. I’m not going to lie.

Job Search

Speaking of LinkedIn, ugh. Job hunting. It sucks. It’s fine. Everybody hates it. I am not alone.

For me, I feel like I’m completely starting over. I have a degree, a couple internships, and over a decade of service industry experience. I have this website, which I built myself with the knowledge and experience I’ve gained from the last two decades of my life. Yet it feels like nothing I have to offer is what I actually need to get a job. It’s probably my anxiety talking. Or it could be LinkedIn, which I hate because I just sit there comparing myself to my peers.

I’ve also been taking time to explore different things instead of just jumping right in to something new. I know that what I want more than anything is a remote job. There’s a limited number of jobs that can be done remotely. I’ve had to carefully sort through my options, take courses to learn new skills, and build onto what I have.

Now that I’m at a place where I can look back on the last 14 months of pandemic life and actually measure the work I’ve done, I’m feeling less anxiety. It definitely feels like all I did was watch movies and TV, but in reality I’ve accomplished a lot. Maybe not as much as I was hoping, but I’ve made a complete turnaround as far as my career is concerned. I’m not throwing away all my time and money at the bars anymore. Instead I’m investing it all back in myself and working towards making a real change.

Networking

As mentioned in the last post, I hit a low point around March Madness, so I decided to go back to doing virtual events. I attended virtual BroadwayCon, the TCM Classic Film Festival, and New Orleans Jazz Fest. I also went to an IRL Kentucky Derby party, where I bet on the right horse to win third place and won $37.

I submitted a photo of myself dressed as Jenna from the hit Broadway musical “Waitress” to BroadwayCon and won a 2-week free trial membership to a virtual dance studio. I started taking Ballet, Jazz, and Musical Theatre Dance classes. I love it!!!!! I subscribed to their service and now I’m taking 4-5 dance classes a week. They also hold “Sharing Sessions” for us to journal and connect. It’s a really great community. I’m so grateful they reached out.

So, not a job, but something! Networking isn’t bad! Networking isn’t scary! It’s not a bad thing to put yourself out there and meet new people! Not everyone hates you and thinks you suck, Betsey! Some people in this world are actually really fucking cool! It’s okay!

Routine

My routine has improved by leaps and bounds since I started taking the dance classes. I already had “Musical Monday” firmly scheduled in my calendar in order to dedicate one full day a week specifically to my love of theatre, dancing, singing, acting, and musicals. Now I take three dance classes on Mondays and watch musicals in between. The jazz classes are on Tuesday and Thursday. I haven’t been great about making Thursdays, but I do have Monday and Tuesday down.

Saturday and Sunday are my “have fun or do nothing” days. Tuesday-Friday is for my blog, courses, and job hunting. I’m trying to force a designated cleaning day into that schedule as well, just because I have a tendency to let my clothes collect in large piles on the floor. It’s a never-ending battle, but I’m working on it.

I did find a new quiet place to work on my courses since the cafe hasn’t been working for me. I was hoping to enjoy the outdoor seating once it opened up, but it’s not here yet. That’s why I’m just chillin’ in my car, stealing the wifi, living my life. I just wanted to sit outside, you guys.

Mental Health

Okay! Last section! I have to finish this really quickly since there’s a storm rolling in. Figures. I finally get to wear a short skirt and it starts raining. Sucks. I need to move somewhere with better weather. I’ve come to understand that the weather has a much bigger effect on my mental health than I previously realized. Thank god for Vitamin D gummies.

I said I was going to get obsessed with eating healthy and exercising. This has been going well. It’s not my first time around this rodeo! Obviously the dance classes came at the perfect time. Eating wise, I haven’t given up meat but I’ve been slowly weaning off my take-out habit and eating salads every day. I need to incorporate more fruit, but I find changing one’s diet tends to be a process that goes better if you focus on slowly eliminating bad things and adding in good things. I try to take that as it comes.

I haven’t resumed yoga yet because I haven’t found a class online that I like. I’m working on that. I would like to include a 10-20 minute session in my morning routine. I’m just not there yet.

I meditate sometimes, but the last few times I’ve gone into my “special room,” Andrew has been there trying to talk to me. He also comes out whenever I try to write. It’s VERY ANNOYING. I don’t know how to get rid of him. I would say that is the second worst situation I’m dealing with mental health-wise, after talking myself down from jumping into the sweet release of death, of course.

Okay, the storm is here now. I need to go. Thanks for supporting me on my journey to become a healthier person and a better writer. I appreciate it more than you know! Have a good one!

Not Another Progress Report

Hello, world. Betsey Horton here. Sorry for leaving you on read. I’m still here, somehow, even though I totally got wasted and tried to pull a Tiger Woods the other night. BTW, am I the only one who thinks this car wreck has “suicide attempt” written all over it, or am I just projecting my own sadness onto a celebrity? Hard to say. Especially when I’m currently in the middle of my “Elle Woods quitting her prestigious internship, dropping out of Harvard Law School, and packing up to go back home to dat Beverly Hills Barbie life” moment in the movie of my life. It’s like I’ve done all this work on my self-improvement journey and yet I’m still failing so hard at life. Yeah, dark night of the soul moment for sure.

Anyway, here’s how life has progressed since my last update (approximately one whole millennium ago):

Novel

As I mentioned in my last entry, I was gearing up to pitch my novel about Verm to an agent for the first time. I was very nervous, so I was completely avoiding any thoughts about it altogether. I did the responsible thing and attended a pre-pitch session at the Desert Nights, Rising Stars conference in order to properly prepare. Once I understood the expectations, I decided to be slightly more realistic about the meeting. My manuscript is very much incomplete. I decided to treat it like practice and then all of my anxiety went away.

The meeting went as well as it could have. I did that thing where I freaked out and held back too much. The agent liked my overall concept, but essentially told me I was guilty of over-summarizing instead of being specific. Fair and also true. What did I learn? Go straight for the jugular. Mad Dog, crazy bar owners, shady underground gambling rings, the works! Suck ’em straight down into the Verm Hole! Also, her agency does not work with my proposed genre, so she gave me a list of agencies that do and wished me luck. I would consider it a “soft” rejection because the future potential is definitely there.

After the meeting, I decided to step away from my manuscript for awhile. I need more perspective. There’s a lot of things that have happened in the last year and a half that I haven’t really properly processed. Mostly because I don’t understand why the people I’m dealing with are so ridiculous, unreasonable, and honestly, just straight-up insane. Ultimately, it all means something in the end. Besides, I am the hero of the book. I’m supposed to overcome whatever adversity presents itself to me. Since that adversity is appearing in the form of misogynists and their loyal army of cool girls, I guess I have permission to just laugh it off and focus on other things. Lol at small towns in the middle of nowhere. What am I going to do, change them? HA HA HA HA HA! That’s a good one. Oh, I crack myself up sometimes.

Blog

Listen, I know what I’ve told you about what I’m planning, but I’m not writing shit. At all. Nothing. It sucks. I know. Especially when I have the most amazing new blog neatly planned out in a notebook! It’s so amazing. It’s so cool. Unfortunately, I am totally not cool. I spend all my time being sad instead of just writing. It’s totally lame.

I also haven’t been able to come up with a new name. I need an actual name for my entire brand/concept/plan. I need it for the url, social media accounts, email, affiliate marketing, ads, everything. Yet I have no name. Content plan? Check! No problem there! A name? Impossible. Thus, I am delayed from making any actual progress until I can come up with one. Sad.

Courses

I signed up for a lot of these, so I’m just taking my time to work my way through them. I spend a lot of time studying other blogs, business, influencer marketing, and social media strategy. I feel like I’ve learned a lot about digital marketing in general the last year. Hopefully this leads to a job.

It’s hard to say since social media companies just change everything up on a whim because they don’t care that people are using their services to run businesses. It’s actually really frustrating. I was trying to learn Pinterest marketing yesterday and the damn site just wouldn’t cooperate. It’s like they decided to take everything useful and functional away from their platform and turn it into a useless lump. I know I’m not alone in this struggle because I joined a bunch of social media marketing groups on Facebook.

Overall, I just have to say I’m having a really good experience with Udemy. Yes, it’s cheap online classes, but it’s not like I need a *degree* to do digital marketing. I just need to learn how social media works beyond just shitposting and arguing with trolls. I think Udemy is perfect for people who want to boost their practical skill sets without going back to school and taking on a fuckton of debt. No need for elitism here, folks. I’ll go get my Masters when the time is right. For now, it’s a fuckton of super practical $12 coding, marketing, and writing classes that supposedly will help me get a job.

Job Search

It is a universally agreed-upon fact that job hunting sucks. I know it, you know it, everybody knows it. I’ve joined job hunting groups where people with STEM degrees are talking about not finding anything after sending out 200 applications. It’s scary.

I’m not really sure what to say about this other than that it sucks. It’s draining, demoralizing, and frustrating. The pandemic is making it worse. I used to torture myself with anxiety over it, but since I joined these groups, I’ve just let it go. Yup, it sucks for everyone out there. Sometimes all you can do is turn off the computer and watch Netflix for the rest of the day. Sometimes you spend lots of time applying for jobs and you never hear back from anyone except for the occasional rejection. It happens to literally everyone.

I tried to start a restaurant gig last week and failed. Of course. I tried everything I could think of to motivate myself and hype myself up to get the cash, but I knew it was over when I saw that greasy, disgusting, dirty bar. I can’t do it anymore. I especially couldn’t do it after almost a year of not doing it. Seriously, no more. I’m just torturing myself at this point. It’s a waste of time and energy. I just want to focus on getting a remote job with benefits. Yes, I’ll be broke in the meantime, but I’ll also be a lot saner than I would be if I was waiting tables.

Networking

February and March were really busy for me. I went to lots of online events and conferences. I attended the Paris International Film Festival, the Official(TM) virtual Mardi Gras party in New Orleans, the ASU Piper Center for Creative Writing’s Desert Nights Rising Stars Writers Conference, AWP (one of the largest national writing conferences in the US), a Gatsby-themed virtual murder mystery party, a virtual film industry panel for women, and, of course, March Madness, baby!

I admit that I was doing well until March Madness. Why? Because that’s when the drinking reared its ugly head up again. I usually don’t drink home at alone because that’s just sad. I like to go out and drink at bars, especially during basketball season. This is pretty much always a mistake. I get way too drunk, end up feeling really sad, and then think about death a lot. So, maybe just stick with the virtual events instead of going to the bars for any reason whatsoever.

Unfortunately, the common theme throughout all of these events has been the insane amounts of social anxiety. I don’t know how to get over this. I have skipped every single virtual meet-and-greet event and in-person party I’ve been invited to in the last two months. I am terrified of dealing with other people. I blame all of the shitty, toxic, fake “friends” I’ve entertained throughout life for getting me to this point. I’m legitimately afraid of interacting with other people after what they did to me at Bloody Mary’s.

This is really fucking dumb because I literally went to two WRITING conferences full of WRITERS. I went to a panel with a happy hour for FILMMAKERS. I was hanging out with artists, writers, filmmakers, actors, directors, editors, etc, aka the kind of people I WANT to be around because I have things in common with them. Instead it’s like… “No, scary, bad, run away because everyone will just think you’re annoying and hate you.”

No idea how to get over this at all. Zoom doesn’t help at all. Zoom anxiety is real AF. I hate being on that tiny little screen. It makes me way too self-conscious to watch myself try to interact with other people. I know I cannot possibly be alone in this, but ugh. Wow. It really fucking sucks.

Routine

My routine has changed recently. I’ve been staying at home more and going to the cafe less. I haven’t been productive at the cafe at all. I’m also not productive at home. I’m not really that productive at all. I’m mostly just reading and watching a lot of movies/tv, as I have done for the entirety of the pandemic. Some weeks I’m totally on, getting shit done, cruising through my courses, outlining ideas, hacking away at my business plan, looking for jobs, and submitting resumes. Other weeks I’m still in my pajamas at 3pm and watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians for the 80 millionth time. Welcome to the pandemic lifestyles of the perpetually broke and small town famous.

Mental Health

Not so good. Not so healthy. So many ups and downs. Mostly downs. I’ve had a few major downs in the last few months. Struggling a lot right now. Its hard. I feel so alone sometimes. I feel like nothing will ever change in my life. I just feel sad and empty all the time, no matter what I do.

My current attempts to counteract said depression include going vegetarian, drinking more water, buying new activewear, signing up for a Zumba class, and purchasing some Vitamin D supplements.

You know what would probably fix the problem? NOT DRINKING! DUH! So, yeah, still gotta work on that. At least I refuse to work in a bar anymore, so that is progress. Now that basketball season is over, I have no real reason to go downtown to fraternize with people who hate me. You know what happens when I do that? I get really sad. That’s not okay! That’s why I need to cut it out of my life altogether. The drinking, that is. The basketball isn’t going anywhere.

Therefore, I shall go on a fitness kick instead. I will get really into my home dance cardio classes, walks with the dogs, and outdoor yoga/meditation sessions. Spring at last, spring at last.

I know you’re asking yourselves why I don’t go to therapy, right? Well, the truth is that I have already been through extensive amounts of therapy in my life. In my case, it has 100% caused more harm than good. The medications fuck with my brain, no one will work with me to actually make a real therapy plan with an end goal in mind, and the diagnoses are constantly changing into everything aside from anxiety, which is what I actually struggle with the most. Seriously, one Xanax prescription and it would be all over for me. So simple, right?

Wrong! That’s not what Big Phama and Big Psychiatry want! They want to hook you on drugs and self-pity so you’ll keep pouring money into the system forever. Meanwhile, they’re out drinking top shelf booze and eating expensive caviar on the yachts they bought with the kickback money from shelling out poisonous prescription cocktails to children. I’m not here for it. I’m way more into trying alternative therapies. I’ve tried so many, I could write an entire book about it. I should get off my ass and actually do that. I have it all planned out. But nothing. Yay!

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So, there you have it, all. That’s my life. Look at me, trying to get her shit together so she will no longer be a glorified mess with amazing taste in shoes. It’s hard. I feel like throwing in the towel most of the time. I want to give up. Luckily for me, many people have reached out to me on social media with positive, encouraging messages. I’ve taken screenshots of all of them. I read through them now when I’m sad and want to give up. It is so important to remember that not everyone is a negative, energy-sucking douchebag. I do have friends and family who love me, want to see me happy, and hope for me to succeed.

So hopefully all of this will work out, even if it seems like nothing is working for me ever. Maybe I’ll update in another millennium, maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll just be sad forever. Stay tuned to find out!

Professional Progress Report

Just stopping by to update anyone who cares about my progress in becoming a professional writer/digital nomad. Someday I will be financially and location independent. For now, I remain trapped in a small town in the middle of nowhere. Alas.

Novel

Several weeks have passed since I started working on my novel again. Things have progressed well. I’ve been reading through my website archives and pulling out what I need for my narrative. It’s so much easier with the new outline I made. The new outline is allowing me to mercilessly cut out all of the extra crap that has accumulated over time. Killing my darlings has never been so easy.

It’s trucking along well. I’ve been trying to do a little bit every day. Reading my blog from the beginning can be a challenge for me sometimes. It makes me very emotional given everything that has happened since I started. I constantly find myself frustrated by the fact that I established several things up-front (ig: I’m a writer, I’m writing a memoir about my life, I struggle with depression/anxiety, I have a bad history with relationships, and I’m trying to work through my issues), yet so many people refuse to acknowledge any of this. I’m tired of intentionally being misunderstood.

It’s also clear from the early blogs what those people from Bloody Mary’s were trying to do to me. There were clearly coordinated efforts to gaslight me, bait me into reacting, and instigate arguments. It’s really pathetic and sad. It’s also glaring obvious what a sociopath the owner really is.

Ah yes, this character. This character I never planned to write, who snuck up on me out of nowhere, took over the narrative, and used everything I wrote against me. What a snake. It’s depressing to read knowing there is now an unpublishable manuscript dedicated entirely to this character and his sexy ways. It’s crazy. I still can’t believe it. So that’s something I constantly have to deal with. Fun!

The good news is, most of the stuff I wrote about him won’t be making it into the final version. The stuff that does remain doesn’t paint a very nice picture of him, mostly because he is not a very nice person. It is what it is.

I’m super nervous to meet with the agent next week, so I signed up for a pitching workshop at the conference to guide me through the most important ten minutes of my life. No pressure or anything, lol. But seriously, I can’t even think about it or I will totally fucking freak out. I don’t have Xanax to help me with panic attacks, so I’m just avoiding thoughts about it altogether.

Overall, I’m very confident in the current version. I believe in the character arc. I really think the flow of the plot makes sense now and that this character’s journey is relatable to people (mainly women) who struggle with mental health and bad relationships. I’m glad I took time away from it. It really allowed me to see the forest from the trees. Thanks again for everything, Paris Writing Workshop. I never would have made it this far without you!

Blog

As I’ve stated before, I am currently in the process of transforming my blog into a profitable business venture. It’s hard. It’s take a long time. I overthink everything and constantly compare myself to the other bloggers and influencers I’ve been studying. I’ve learned to turn the jealousy into motivation, but it can still be a struggle. The grand vision doesn’t line up with the day-to-day yet.

I’ve been developing content plans, which is good, but I’m still falling short on my posting goals. A lot of it has to do with anxiety and general feelings of worthlessness. It’s pretty common in this world to compare yourself to the false perfection promised by Instagram. I am no different. I fall victim to it every day, especially because I go out of my way to study other blogs and websites.

One thing I remind myself is that I’m just not there… yet. I will be someday, but not yet. It doesn’t happen overnight. A solid, high-quality blog takes time to build. These bloggers didn’t do it overnight either. A lot of them struggled for years and constantly moved in and out of their parents’ houses. It’s part of the journey. I can’t fault myself for generally being on the right track.

Courses & Job Hunting

I’m finally starting to make significant headway on this. There’s a lot to learn. I’m transitioning from gig-hopping in the service industry to full-time digital nomad. There’s a lot to learn in terms of practical skills. I’m exploring a lot of different options, such as digital marketing, copywriting, UX writing, and web development. I want to cover all my bases so I have more options.

I’ve worked may way through quite a few of the courses now. I’m developing more of coherent plan as I go along. I look at remote job boards every day to get some idea of what they’re looking for. My anxiety is still preventing me from actually applying, so I’m focusing all my energy on my courses for now. I think once I round out my skillset and build a solid portfolio, I will feel more confident in myself. As they say on FDS, develop the confidence of a mediocre white man.

I was seriously considering signing up for a TEFL certification course, but it’s financially out-of-reach for me at the moment. It’s always something I can do later on when I’m in a stronger financial position. It’s just not in the cards right now. That’s why I decided to focus my energy on the skills I’m learning from Udemy for $12 a course. The projected salaries for these jobs are also much higher, which is better for my champagne lifestyle.

Networking & Social Life

This is going poorly, as per usual. I tried to put myself out there with the Paris International Film Festival and managed to fall spectacularly on my face. My anxiety is high and my confidence is low. However, it’s not really about me at the end of the day. We are here to watch movies and celebrate up-and-coming filmmakers. In life, you don’t always get to walk the red carpet. Sometimes you’re just in the audience, and that’s okay too. I’m just happy to be here supporting other creatives.

I’m still lurking more than commenting in all of the Facebook groups and reddit subs I’ve joined. Every once in awhile, I pose a question. I always get good, helpful responses, whether it’s about job hunting, traveling, digital nomad life, mental health issues, or “leveling up.” Joining online communities is helping me ease back into a social life, which has been really hard for me to do.

I’ve taken a couple communications courses to help me with this ongoing issue. I’m also seeking out CBT workbooks to aid me in my quest to develop meaningful relationships with other people. I’ve never been the most popular person. After everything that happened with Bloody Mary’s, my trust in most people is gone. I’m struggling to learn how to embrace relationships instead of fear them. The pandemic doesn’t help. Neither does the crap that happened with my cousin. Alas, I remain hopeful that someday this will change for the better and I can finally host the fantastic dinner party of my dreams.

Routine

I’m back in a pretty solid routine. I wake up every day at 8am, come to the cafe, write for a few hours, and then spend the afternoon doing whatever I want. I’ve figured out a nice, comfortable way to work from home. I have a little lap desk I use in bed while wearing sweatpants. Yes, I know, I should set up my home office again and I won’t feel so scatterbrained. I’m not there yet. Besides, it’s the middle of the SD winter. It’s dark and cold and my bed is so soft and warm. I don’t want to leave it.

Mental Health

I’m fighting back against the depression and anxiety pretty hard. It’s ruined my life for so many years now. I’m tired of it. I want to be a different person now. A better person. It’s a lot of hard work. Being in this town really doesn’t help. It seems to drag me back down to where I was before in spite of my best efforts.

I’ve had a couple of minor episodes since I got back. The last few days have been particularly hard. That’s why I’m writing this progress report. I feel like I’m about to jump off a cliff, so I need to spell out everything I’m working on to remind myself that it’s a process and I’m just not there yet. Don’t give up now, Betsey! You’re almost there!

I will get there someday. I’m just not there yet. It’s a process. It takes time. It’s okay. I don’t have to justify it to anyone else. All I can do is live my truth.

Manicures in the Time of Covid-19

One of my most-missed pre-pandemic rituals is that of the manicure. Like any woman, I enjoy getting a full set with glitter nail polish and a cute little design. However, the pandemic has closed nail salons all across the nation. Times are tough for beauty queens and those who provide essential services for them.

Here are some tips for maintaining a good manicure in these difficult times:

Do Your Own

If you have normal length nails, learning how to do your own manicure can be therapeutic. The patience it takes to do the design embellishment? It can be a calming distraction for those who fidget or bite their nails. It takes extra effort to main a long natural manicure.

Stick-On’s

The main benefit to the stick-on is that is a quick, simple fix for those who may bite their nails out of nervousness. These nails are widely available at local drug stores in many different colors and designs. They provide decent results for 1-2 weeks. The only downside is that the under-nail gets grimy. Otherwise, length is short and good for typing.

Glue-On’s

After a few months of stick-ons, it’s worth it to upgrade to the kind of artificial nail that requires adhesive glue. These produce better results but still pop off from time to time. The main upside is that these brands come with fancier designs, longer, different shapes, multiple accents, and bright colors.

The main difficulty is that the extra handwashing required by coronavirus restrictions causes the nails to come off faster. The reason for this is that the oils in the soap interact with adhesive and wears it away.

If you absolutely must, dip out to the salon for a full set. But beware of scam artists! Many businesses are suffering due to Covid, so many have resorted to inflating prices to make up for the loss. Make sure you are clear about the price up-front. Otherwise you may get an unpleasant surprise.

Hopefully we can all get back to our normal beauty routines soon. Until then, enjoy these alternatives.