Who’s Who at Bloody Mary’s Bar

Looking for a guide to all of your favourite characters from Bloody Mary’s Bar? Here it is! Click on each name to read their stories!

  • Mad Dog is my old storytelling Indian grandfather. Yes, Indian as in Native American. Either term is acceptable, depending on who you ask. Anyway, he’s not literally my grandfather. Spiritually, I consider him to be my grandfather. He likes to tell me stories about his life. He’s worked previously as The Muse for various other writers, artists, and musicians. He can usually be found at “The Office,” sometimes sitting with me. Most of the time he’s in a good mood, but when he isn’t… watch out!
  • Andrew is the handsome young owner of the bar. He likes to pretend he’s something he’s not. He is, shall we say, Dangerously Sexy. I’ve had the biggest, most embarrassing crush on him for years! I was keeping it a secret by calling him Andrew in every day conversation until I was publicly outed in the most embarrassing possible way. He’s actually a pretty big douchebag in real life, but I still like him anyway. His character comes in various shapes and sizes, including, but not limited to:
    • The Snake, because he is sneaky just like a cute little green snake! He likes to change colors. He usually prefers green but he also looks very exotic in red. Bronze and blue seems best for cloudy days when he just wants to curl up inside his little hole. Black and yellow are for when he’s feeling dangerous and wants to warn people to stay away. And don’t forget shimmering gold for his happy, sunny days!
    • The Emperor, because he once had political aspirations and now rules over me and various other people instead. I actually let him boss me around now. What have I become? The answer: exactly who I always wanted to be.
    • The Whoremonger, because he gets mad ladies, yo. I have since re-appropriated this completely ridiculous name on behalf of The Movement. You may call me The Whoremonger now.
    • Officer Andrew was a “Compliance Officer” and a personal trainer. If you got an email from him, you were in Trouble. Like real Trouble, not the fun kind of Trouble where he comes over dressed up like a sexy cop.
    • Jason is his personal trainer name. He wants to get you in shape and look good doing it!
    • The Turkey is an All-American Classic. Flashy and tasty. You can’t go wrong with turkey. It’s either a delicious sandwich or it’s Thanksgiving dinner. Turkey soup is pretty good too, but you’ve gotta let it warm up for awhile first since it’s so cold.
    • The Pink Flamingo is a name he made up all by himself because it explains why he stands on one leg all the time. Nobody actually calls him that but me. Inspired by the legendary “fla-bong-o!”
    • The Rooster is cocky and likes to keep multiple hens running around the yard.
    • Diego is his painting name. One time, he painted the awning just for me. And by that I mean, I wouldn’t stop complaining about it until he decided to do it himself.
    • The Frat Boy, because he just happened to come outside without a shirt on while I was riding by! Definitely has the mentality of a frat boy, even though I’m pretty sure he never actually joined a frat. He basically just started one himself.
    • The Magic Fish likes to escape from his cage at SeaWorld so he can enjoy his freedom and perform his tricks on his own terms. Unfortunately, he has a very mean trainer who always catches him and brings him back so she can force him to perform on her own terms.
    • The Star, because he’s the Star of my show!
    • Mr. HGTV, because he can refinish my hardwood floors anytime he wants! And do various other home repair-type things that also serve as double entendres for sexy times.
    • The Boss, because he’s the owner of Bloody Mary’s Bar. People actually call him that IRL. Well, they would anyway, if he actually came to his own bar once in awhile. Instead they either stand around doing nothing or just straight up do whatever they want. He’s definitely noticeably absent these days, that’s for certain.
    • Money, because he has a lot of money. Too much money, to be honest. Some of that money used to be mine.
    • Sugar Daddy, because he’s the sexiest dad ever! He just needs a little sugar to cheer him back up! He’s been looking increasingly miserable lately.
    • Tyler, because he might just end up broke AF and living in an RV out back of his mom’s house.
    • Vishnu, because he sees both sides and likes to bring things into balance. Or would, if he was actually there. Can you tell I’m slightly worried about the future of my favorite bar?
    • Sam Shepherd aka Shep, his fake name for his real name. Usually used to refer to Andrew’s real life married counterpart, but even I can’t keep them straight anymore! Sam is now the name of Andrew’s fluffy little golden retriever puppy.
    • More names to be added as they appear. They probably will. Oh by the way, did I mention the part where none of this was in the original outline I made in April 2016? Yeah. Fun!
  • Tom de la Salle  is an actor by day and an alcoholic by night. Someday he’ll take Hollywood by storm. Someday.
  • Duke de la Salle is Tom’s cranky older brother. We don’t get along. We never really have. He is very conservative and allegedly has a “really deep” side to him. I’ve never seen it, but I have seen him watching a lot of sports. I call him The Pheasant because he’s dry, salty, and ready for dinner! *ba dum tisss* He once made an appearance as Deputy Duke, assistant to Officer Andrew.
  • The Owl is an alien spy from another world. He is wise beyond the average human being’s comprehension. He probably reads like 7 books a week, at least. He is far too smart to ally himself with any one person, organization, or cause. Eats pickled eggs, wears special goggles to protect his eyes, and lives among cats. Known for his expert ability to smuggle suitcases full of fresh kidneys on ice through airport security.
  • PJ is an older gentleman bartender and philosopher by trade. He enjoys tasty food and always has an excellent restaurant recommendation to make. He wore a sombrero, like, one time, you guys, and now Mad Dog will call him “Poncho Villa” forever.
  • TG, a tough-looking guy with lots of tattoos and multiple personalities. One of the is a straight-up bipolar asshole. The other one wears fake glasses, speaks in a British accent, and performs lead vocals for a local punk rock band.
  • The Court Jester, a former actor who fills in for everyone else all the time and entertains well. Featured as The Goat in the Bloody Mary’s Bar production of The Goat, a short script by me. Also known as Checkers and Potatoes Brulé.
  • Teen Angel, a bartender/mechanic who could definitely be a pin-up model for teen girl magazines if he wanted to. Just saying.
  • Rat-Rat, Andrew’s personal gofer. He sucks Andrew’s dick like it’s his full-time job. Used to be cool before he joined the Bloody Mary’s Cult. Now he’s just an asshole.
  • Steve, the kooky old janitor who has been working there forever. Andrew calls him The Boss.
  • The Line of Death, a group of wealthy old men who hang out at Bloody Mary’s in the afternoon. Some have their own keys to the place, thus earning them the name “The Key Club.” Notable members include Howard Hughes, who used to run a mental hospital, and Harold, a nerdy-type who likes to wear bright Hawaiian shirts every day.
  • Chico, one of the former owners of Bloody Mary’s. Shady AF. Found dead in a canyon half-eaten by wolves. Most people think he was murdered because of his shady activities. People with no critical thinking skills still believe it was really “a ski accident.” Yeah, okay, whatever.
  • Lisa, another former owner of the bar. Supposedly the sister of The Owl, but I am not convinced The Owl is actually human. It’s entirely possible she found his wrecked spaceship in a field somewhere outside of town, brought him home the family, and begged them to raise him as one of their own. Needless to say, things did not go as planned.
  • Andrew’s Mom, a great and awesome lady. The real brains behind the operation. Totally freaked me out by telling me Andrew’s entire life story after catching me writing about him once. Made me want to see ALL the pictures.