Monday. Day off. Still feel like shit. Physically exhausted. No energy to do anything I need to do. Could my wretched existence be any unhappier? Probably.
Dealt with more annoying small town drama this weekend. Seriously, do any of these people have hobbies aside from taking screenshots of private conversations and passing them around? Read a book. Watch a movie. Make some art. Do SOMETHING! Seriously. Can’t say I expect anything less at this point. They have shown me who they are. I believe them.
Once again had the accusation that I “make everything about me” lobbed at me. Endless eye-rolls. Oh my god, I’m SO sorry I am story teller and like to contribute to the conversation with stories about my experiences. I am such a terrible person. Oh yeah, I definitely prioritize myself over others. I’m not even trying to hide that. I have to. I cared WAY TOO MUCH about other people when I was younger. It fucked me over every single time. Now, I don’t care. Why should I? I don’t get anything in return. It just makes me feel like shit to care about people who treat me like dirt.
In my experience, there is no point in caring about other people. There’s no point in trying to make friends because they will just stab me in the back. There’s no point in dating because guys will just use me, abuse me, and throw me away. There’s no point in caring about my job because I will just get fired over something petty and stupid anyway. There’s no point in trying to get involved in the community because they will just judge me and say they “don’t have a place for me.” There’s no point in spending time around my family because they will just scream at me and blame all of their problems on me. There’s no point in caring about other people. There’s really not. I’m sorry but when you’ve constantly been mistreated by everyone you relied on for love and support, it doesn’t make you like people very much. It’s much better to get a pet instead. They will always love and support you unconditionally. Animals FTW!
In happier news, I dreamed about Paris last night. That was exciting. Paris is one of the few things in this world that always makes me happy. I love Paris. Someday I will live there. I don’t know how to make it happen with no money, but I will. Someday.
Dreaming about Paris > Dreaming about literally anything else. Especially Andrew, who I dreamt about the other night. Too weird for me. Cannot handle it. I wish he would go away, but I’ve been wishing that for four years now and it still hasn’t happened. Sigh. What did I get myself involved in? The answer: yet another person who does not give a single shit about my wellbeing. Yippee.
And people seriously wonder why I insist in prioritizing my own mental health over literally anything else. Yeah, I don’t feel bad about being called “selfish” in this context. I tried to be nice and kind and helpful and friendly for YEARS and all I got in return was dragged through the fucking mud. Give me a reason to care about a bunch of people who have mistreated me. Give me one good reason to care about anything or anyone. I’m waiting. Oh, you don’t have one? That’s what I thought.
I am not in a good mood today. Can you tell? I’m just completely disillusioned with reality right now. Ugh.
Tomorrow I will go into work and find out whether or not they fired my awesome manager for the malfunctioning work cart incident. That’s how this world works. Blame the great manager who listens to her employees and solves every problem that comes her way instead of the dangerous vehicle that could potentially kill anyone who uses it. Then we will get a shitty new psycho manager instead of a working service vehicle. Then another accident will happen, someone else will get fired, the vehicle will never be fixed, rinse and repeat.
If they get rid of her, I’m probably leaving. I don’t care. The only reason I showed up again is because she’s not a psychopath and I’m actually willing to work for her. If she’s gone, FUCK THIS SHIT! I’m not going to keep working for stingy, rude, overly-entitled rich people who tip like shit. The only things I like about this job are the river view and my awesome manager. I can’t work for another fucking psychopath. I just can’t. It’s not worth it to me.
I wish I could’ve gotten a job working at a dog kennel instead. But no. Every time I submitted a resume to any place in the area, I was laughed at and told I don’t have the right experience. Fuck these people. Sorry I hate waiting tables and want to switch to working with animals instead. I guess having a degree and 12 years of work experience makes me over-qualified to walk a dog around the block and pick up its shit with a plastic bag. MY BAD!!!!
God I hate living in this shithole. I can’t wait to get the fuck out of here. The job market is a fucking joke.
ANYWAY. Let me try to think of ONE positive thing to say about my life. Ummm…. yeah, I got nothing. Lol! I guess I could write about the “BBQ” I went to with Mad Dog. Yeah, I guess I’ll do that.
So the “BBQ” crew consisted of me, Mad Dog, Crazy Dave, and a brand new character I’d never met before. New Character had a very interesting life story and a big, adorable, fluffy dog named Jack. Jack and I got along very well. I enjoyed listening to the stories I heard about the life of this person. We all sat out on the porch, ate BBQ, and watched the rainstorm. It was chill AF.
This is why I follow Mad Dog around. I can’t remember a time when I haven’t gone somewhere with him and met new and interesting characters. He has introduced me to all sorts of people. I love it. He’s like my official tour guide to Verm. Normally people around here are unfriendly, cliquey, and judgmental. So much so that “You can’t sit with us” should be the new catchphrase on all of those dumb Verm billboards. Mad Dog isn’t like this. He just takes me to new places and introduces me to new people all the time. Don’t be fooled, there is a very big variety of people. He knows everyone. I’ve met every kind of person you can imagine around here. In fact, most of my good experiences in SD have been occasions when he’s introduced me to a new location and/or set of characters. He is arguably one of the few people I actually give a legitimate fuck about. That’s why I help him with his groceries, errands, and giving him rides in return.
God, I wish I had energy right now. I need to do laundry. I have to go to the grocery store. I have to clean the house. I have to work on my courses. Yet I have no energy to do anything at all. This always happens. These shitty jobs just take over my life. I have no time or energy to do anything productive. I just end up miserable. I hate it. I hate my life.
Why did I ever want to be a bartender? Because I thought Bloody Mary’s was the coolest bar ever. Seriously. That was my dream bartending job. I wanted to work at Bloody Mary’s. Now I just laugh at myself every single day. That would be a TERRIBLE job! God, can you even imagine having to work with these assholes? Or working for Sam? Oh my god, as if writing about the character based on him isn’t bad enough. Andrew clearly thinks he is the Boss of me. Writing about him is a nightmare on ice. I can only imagine that working for his real life counterpart would be even worse. No thank you.
The lesson here is: be careful what you wish for. You just might get it. I wanted to work at Bloody Mary’s. Now I have a fictional character based on the Owner camped out in my brain like a parasitic alien worm trying to control my every move. Wonderful. Fantastic. I make good choices in life. Great choices, in fact. In the future, I should just stay away from other people altogether. They will only bring me more misery and self-loathing.
I’m ready to work for myself! Or work for someone else in a completely different field while I save money to work for myself. I am just so exhausted right now. I am broken. I am a broken person. I was broken when I came to South Dakota 11 years ago and now I’m even worse. Nothing will ever change. Nothing good will ever happen. I will never find my people. Everything will always stay the same.
Off to do something else now. Probably sleep. I really need to do laundry but I literally have NO ENERGY! I’m just going to go back to bed and be sad and depressed. Who cares? Who cares about anything? This world is bullshit.
Who the fuck cares?