Thursday. Ugh. The morning has already been rough. I’m tired of waking up with the negative feedback tape rolling. I need a positive feedback tape. Why does this town completely drain me of my ability to be positive? I can get it going for like a day and then it just sucks it all right back out of me. I swear it is cursed by the mound. That is the only possible explanation.
I just want to get away from here. How much longer do I have to wait? I’m going crazy over here. I can’t take it anymore. I need to leave this shithole. It is very toxic for me. Why does time seem to just drag on by?
I’m finally getting my hair done tomorrow. Hopefully that will make me feel better. Otherwise, I still feel like an emotional trainwreck, I just want to leave and go do something else with my life. I don’t want to live in South Dakota anymore. I don’t like it. I’m over it, I’m done, just get me the hell out of here. Please.
Right now, the most frustrating thing is the goldmine I am sitting on that I can’t contend with because of my emotional state. This is so hard for me. Ever since I came back from Paris, all I’ve done is work through various difficult emotional states. Why can’t I just be happy and have fun? Why does everything have to be about anger and sadness ALL THE TIME?! Ugh! Why can’t I just sit on a beach alone with a cup of coffee and write my historical fiction screenplay? Montauk, where are you when I need you? Why do you feel so close when you are still so far away?
Ah, nothing like sitting in your apartment crying at 10:30am because you’re tired and lonely and want to go home. That’s what I want. I just want to go home. I cannot return to the Swamp from whence I came, but I can return to my ancestral homeland. That’s what I’m about to do. I just have to wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
You know what I think? I think I’ve done too much therapy. I think I’ve overloaded my emotional state by working through all of these difficult experiences from my past. I don’t want to do emotional work anymore. I want to do actual work. Writing work. Like have a schedule and fill it up with assignments that I’m getting paid for, not lounge around my house ruminating on the same old bullshit. How does it help? I should write an article about this. But I can’t. Because I’m sitting here crying instead.
I wish someone had told me that 75% of being a writer is drinking and sadness and anger, I probably wouldn’t have signed up. I still would’ve gotten dressed up and filmed mini productions with my friends though. Remember when I used to do that? Make mini movies?! Jesus Christ, like, who the hell am I? I was an artist and a filmmaker and a writer and an actor/dancer/singer and a costume/scene designer. WHERE DID ALL OF IT GO?! How did I end up so lost along the way?
I am struggling to see the future right now, but I promise myself that I will be standing on Montauk Point in the next few months. I’m gonna go there and write and enjoy the childhood nostalgia trip. In the meantime, I must tend to the office organization and courses. I think I’ll skip the leadership class for now since I’m in a delicate emotional state. I’d rather focus on the travel journalism and freelance writing business courses then move onto WordPress and Digital Marketing. You know, actual practical business stuff I need to know to stop crying and start making money.
I’ve discovered it’s easier to work through my list if I pair similar courses together and work on them at the same time. In hindsight it makes sense: learn how to develop the content, then learn how to market it. I mentioned I started the DM course but became frustrated with it. I’m starting to feel comfortable going back to it now that I’ve mostly been off social media for the last few months. No Facebook or Twitter. I mainly post on Snapchat, which is not the best format for me. I’ve been using Instagram a lot, but mainly for following other people instead of posting. I’ve been slowly getting into YouTubers the last week or so. My sister, in particular, is always telling me to start a YouTube channel. She’s not wrong. I could make a good one if I could get all of these annoying feelings out of the way and just CREATE!
Speaking of creation, I’m actually quite fascinated by most of the content I’ve seen. Watching how the successful influencers are doing it is helping me see social media more like a tool. Well, it can be a tool. The problem, as I’ve frequently mentioned, is that that same tool that could be so helpful to small business owners like myself is controlled by that dastardly villain Zuckerberg. This is where it all goes horribly, horribly wrong. It’s the same issue with self-publishing on Amazon. Could be good if it helped the little guys, but it’s all going to the big fat cats instead. Sigh. Typical.
I’m so frustrated right now. I hate feeling blocked like this. Everything is a block. No wonder I keep drawing the Death card reversed. I’m trapped somewhere between the old life and the new. It sucks. I’m ready to just move on…