Still no luck with writing. Everything in the world is bad, except for the news feature I saw on Al Jazeera English the other day about the modest success of African rhino conservation programs. I am once again without employment or money. My National Park gig is barely hanging on by a thread. At least this time I KNOW it’s not my fault and that I am not the only person going through difficulties. Hopefully we will all recover from this terrible disaster soon.
Isolating myself alone in my apartment is really hard on my mental health, but at least I am not drinking. I have been sober for several weeks now, as my worst fear is a zombie apocalypse and it’s finally here. As I flat-out REFUSE to die alone in this horrible little town, I am highly motivated to survive at any cost. That means no drinking until I black out for several days straight. In fact, it’s better if I do not drink at all. I have had a beer here and there, but I have not been drunk for approximately two weeks now. It’s actually not that bad. Apparently I drank so much that sobriety feels good. I’d heard from several reliable sources that’s A Thing, but I never really understood until I started waking up every morning feeling like I actually wanted to get out of bed. Sobriety now feels like getting drunk felt back when it was fun. But it’s not fun anymore. It’s just messy.
So what am I doing? Doing lots of research on turning my blog into an actual business, taking cheap online courses to improve my skillset, and trying to figure out how to move forward in life. As we know, I am a very elaborate planner. I like to make big plans, fail spectacularly at them, get rip-roaring drunk for a week straight, and make a new plan. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat. So right now the uncertainty of the times we live in is preventing me from taking any kind of positive step forward, which is frustrating. Literally all I can do right now is sit in my apartment alone. It’s driving me up the wall. I don’t want to spend anymore time sitting in my apartment alone! I want to go to work, make money, and go home! But no! Sabotaged AGAIN! So, so, so ridiculously frustrating. I need to find a rich husband with a great healthcare plan, stat. Preferably one who lives overseas, because WOW THIS COUNTRY IS A FUCKING MESS!
Still thinking about grad school. I am still convinced a Masters Degree is the best way to move forward with my writing career. Still thinking about my trip to Africa that I randomly planned and now want to go on more than anything. Always thinking about the future and how I can improve to be my best self. Unfortunately… I am once again limited by factors out of my control. The most important thing right now is to remember that this will all eventually pass and everything will go back to normal.
My normal life that consists of constantly job hopping due to incompetent, backstabbing jerk bosses/employees, being harassed by small town drama queens, and hating everything about my miserable life because every attempt I make to improve things feels like it ends in failure? Yes, that normal life.
Well, at this point, I’ve failed so many times that statistically speaking, it’s not much longer until I succeed. What will I succeed in? I don’t know! It could be anything, literally anything! Writing, relationships, friendships, school, networking, cleaning, organizing, money, work, anything! I just need a WIN! A win would be nice, because it seems like it’s just been failure after failure after failure and I am just so fucking over it at this point in my life.
Hopefully inspiration will return to me soon. In the meantime, I’ll be watching Netflix. Maybe I will write something to entertain you… like a live reaction blog of Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, which I haven’t seen it yet because I know it’s garbage. I feel like that could be funny. Maybe. I don’t know. I’ll come up with SOMETHING. I have to. The future of humankind depends on it!
Not really, though.
Ugh… back to doing nothing. Farewell.