Quarter to 5am. Haven’t slept a wink. I’m over this not sleeping shit. I’m over all of this shit. How I long for some indica to solve my problems. Sigh.
Something tells me the slow descend into chaos I’ve been watching live for the last few years coming to an end would help a lot. I’m sick of staring at the ceiling worrying about what a terrible place the world has become. It’s like, yeah, cool, therapy and moving and fixing my mental health, but I don’t exist in a vacuum. I’m part of the entire world. And right now, that world is mostly shut down. Everything is still on hold. I still have to wait even longer to get anything on my bucket list done. All I can really do right now is what I’ve been doing all year long, which is sit in my room and watch the nightmare box. I’m over it. I basically traded one room for another. There are no words to express how frustrating it is to be so close to what I want, and yet still so far.
I tried meditation but it didn’t help. I’ll give you one guess who came wandering into my special little room that I created just for me. Surprise! It’s the same person who has been freely invading my space with his astral projection (current leading theory) for years now! Yayyyy! Gee, I wonder why it is I’m still awake! Because every time I try to relax and calm down, he just shows up again!
But for real, it also has to do with my ballot. I cannot even begin to put into words how much I don’t give a shit about anything that happens in South Dakota. Yeah, sure, I’ll vote to give them weed, but only because I know it will make them less judgmental, nasty, and generally insufferable. There’s one particular person on the ballot who makes me firmly Team No One in that district. I can’t remember a time when this person wasn’t a judgmental bitch to me. And now I’m supposed to vote for them, therefore rewarding them for their shitty behavior? I don’t think so. How about I just vote for President and be done? I don’t care about South Dakota and South Dakota doesn’t care about me. The End.
This is frustrating because it’s a very important election and I’m stuck voting in a state that is determined to remain stuck in the 1800’s no matter what. I wish I was voting somewhere where it actually mattered. I hate this feeling of transience. I hate not being grounded. I hate that I was displaced at such an inconvenient time. I care so much about the issues affecting the world today, yet I have no positive outlet for it at all. I feel helpless, useless, and trapped. I feel like no matter what I do, I just can’t make it on my own. I hate this feeling of never ending paralysis. It’s like every time I take a positive step forward, the negativity I have no control over pulls me back. I’m big on focusing on what I can control. Unfortunately, everything I need to do to level up in life remains out of my control due to politics and the pandemic. All I can do is sit in my room and wait and wait and wait and wait. No wonder it’s taking me so long to get anything done.
Am I getting depressed again? Probably. I don’t think there’s been a point where it stopped. 2020 is just having that effect on people. It’s not just me. How many lives have been ruined this year? Too many to count. Everything seems hopeless. I’m not the only one.
I can say I’m grateful that the stress of living in South Dakota has been removed. I didn’t realize how much it was affecting me until I left. It’s just not healthy to live in an environment where everyone is hostile towards anyone who is perceived to be different. It’s not just me. They treat all outsiders this way. They’re not nice people. It’s all an act. They have their narrow way of existing and anyone who wanders outside of that is shunned. There’s a reason why all of the smart people leave, and it’s not just for better opportunities. It’s because the people who stay are ignorant to the point of being insufferable. No one wants to deal with that. People like me… well… we just want to be free to be ourselves.
2020 blows. I’m ready for everything to change for the better. I’m sick of waking up every day and bracing myself for the latest bad news to appear on the nightmare box. I’m tired of seeing Donald Trump’s stupid face on TV. I’m sick of Mitch McConnell’s cartoon villain attitude fucking over normal, everyday people. I’m sick of this administration in general. I’m tired of it all. And yet I can do nothing, nothing at all, nothing except sit with notebook and pencil and watch the world burn. What good is this talent if I can’t use it for good? What good is this talent when I can’t find a proper outlet to give it back? What good is any of this at all?
One thing is for sure: should the world start to end, I will not be sticking around. I have no interest in giving up my creature comforts to fight to survive in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. I’m not interested in fighting back against the zombie hoards. Being a human is overrated anyway. I’d rather just move onto the next life. Hopefully I will become a tree. Specifically, a weeping willow tree overlooking a pond. Then I will be able to provide something useful to all of the life around me. Every part of my being will serve a purpose to something or someone. My bark, my branches, my leaves, my roots. I will provide shelter for the birds, nourishment for the animals, shade for the little girl lost in her pile of books. Every part will have a purpose. Every day will have meaning. I’ll sit by the pond and watch the world go by. I will become old and wise and provide knowledge to all the creatures around me. I will give back the love I’ve always wanted to receive.
So poetic, I know. Who knew I was this deep? Aside from the majority of people who have actually taken the time to get to know me instead of judging me harshly? Exactly. I wish I had my literary anthologies with me right now. I’m in the mood to read some 18the century Romantic poetry. Alas, my library remains in South Dakota.
South Dakota… South Dakota… What a miserable wasteland indeed…