BLOG: Mondays

Currently sitting at my actual desk (le gasp!), something I rarely do these days. Perhaps that is part of my problem. I need to stop lounging in my living room and sitting at my kitchen table. This is why I am not as productive as I should be. That, and last week was my Moon week. I am happy to report the pill is resolving the issues I had which basically rendered me useless. Now I can just schedule my “Tent Days” for the weekend when I won’t be working anyway.

The main trade-off seems to be the constant crying. Perhaps part of that really is just the current state of the world. It could also be my body releasing all of the emotions I spent so much time trying to repress with bourbon. Either way, I accept this as I am prone to a melancholic state anyway. I was born under the sign of Scorpio, ruled over by the planet Pluto, named for the god of the cold, dark underworld. Depression is but an old crow hunched over on my shoulder, croaking its negative speeches into my ear. His name is Sir Winston Archibald Reginald III and he is a frequent visitor to my household. Darkness, it seems, shall always keep me company. I was born destined for it to become an ageless, timeless friend.

Why yes, I have been re-reading my favourite poems and stories from my college literature textbooks. How can you tell? Was it the allegorical use of a crow to describe depression or the long-winded block of prose desperately pining for my beautiful muse? Gee, I wonder…

Anyway, I am happy to report that my routine feels normal now. I think I can start stepping up the productivity a bit now that I know I’m going to be in the same place for a few more months. It’s not what I wanted but at least I have a chance to get some writing done and work towards a different career path. At the end of the day I realize it’s what I really need. When I think about working in a restaurant again, I become overwhelmed with anxiety and have a panic attack. When I sit down at my desk to do my courses and work on my resume, I feel good. I feel hopeful. I feel intellectually stimulated. I feel like I’m not wasting my precious degree that I was lucky enough not to have to take out any student loans to pay for. There are real opportunities out there for professional writers in this world and I am good enough to be hired for any number of them.

Does it suck that I can’t delay adulthood any longer so I can go run around Montana playing cowgirl? Yes it does. However, it’s better this way. I truly believe that. I have delayed my entry into the adult world long enough. It’s time to get serious about what I really want to do. I have a much stronger sense of my identity now. I need to stop hiding out from the world and just get out there and be myself! I can do it! I couldn’t do it five years ago when I took off for LA, but I can certainly do it now. It’s only a matter of time…

The weather is stormy and cloudy again today. Sigh. Spring is here, I suppose. I want to get more stuff done but afternoons are always kind of “meh” for me. I tend to be more productive in the morning and at night. Today I wrote a couple of letters to some old friends that made me realize I need to be writing articles. I mean, I literally just spent the last five years traveling to collect material to write about. I should probably sit down and actually write about it!

Everything is working out the way it’s supposed to. Everything is going to be okay. Now, if only I could just stop having panic attacks every time I turn on the news…

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