Leaving today. Bummer. If only I could just stay on vacation forever. Alas, I cannot. I must return and begin my job hunt.
The idea of it alone is freaking me out. Part of the reason I stayed in the service industry for so long is because I become overwhelmed by anxiety to the point of paralysis when job hunting. Apparently I have no confidence in my writing skills at all. I also look back on my life and regret everything. If I could just go back in time and not listen to anyone else and just go to a real college on the East Coast, I never would have South Dakota anything on my fucking resume. JFC, worst mistake to date. Literally no one knows what or where that is. The anxiety I get just from looking at my resume makes me want to want to puke. I think of all the opportunities I could have taken in college if they had just been available to me. Instead I encountered asshole after asshole calling me an outsider and refusing to help because small town people deserve it more. I could’ve done so much better. I could’ve had a great college career. I wish I could back and do it all over again.
I was so stupid when I was younger. I have to stop blaming myself. I was in a very unhealthy environment. It’s not normal for people to uproot their adult children from their hometown and force them to move to South Dakota. That’s not a thing. That doesn’t happen to 20-year-olds. They should’ve done what normal people do and let me go off on my own. But no. That didn’t happen. Now I have this ten year period of my life that was completely wasted because of it. Seriously, the anxiety makes me want to puke. I should have done this, I should have done that, I shouldn’t have been friends with anyone I was friends with or dated any of those stupid guys. What the hell was wrong with me? Aside from having a toxic mother and older sister around to constantly shut me down, berate me, and make me feel like I’m not good enough? I just wish I could go back in time and do everything right.
Isn’t having anxiety-induced meltdowns fun? I need a life coach. Too bad I can’t afford therapy. I have to check out self-help books from the library instead. I need a confidence booster. I need someone to say to me, “Hey, it’s okay, we all make mistakes. It’s not your fault. You were young and naive and didn’t know any better. You weren’t given a choice. They forced you into this life you never wanted or asked for. You didn’t know you had a choice. It’s okay. You can start over now. You don’t have to have those negative people in your life anymore. You don’t have to live in that horrible shithole in the middle of nowhere anymore. You can start over fresh and make a change.”
See, I can tell myself these things, but I actually need someone else to do it. Why? I don’t know. Because psychology? Who doesn’t want someone there to support and reassure them that everything is going to be okay? I went through A LOT when I was younger. I didn’t have that support. I had to climb out of that whole myself, all while everyone around me was trying to tear me down. Now I have a chance at a new life and staring it down just makes me want to barf. Why is it so easy for everyone else? Why does looking at a fucking job application give me literal panic attacks? Why?
I have no idea what I’m doing. God dammit. But I REFUSE to wait another table or tend bar ever again in my life. No more. I’m done. I’m over it. I hate it with the passion of a thousand flaming suns. I would much rather eat at the restaurant or enjoy Happy Hour at the bar. Never again. Never ever, ever, ever again. So that leaves me no choice: I must find a way around this ridiculous amount of anxiety and find myself a job.
Or I could have another panic attack and start crying because nothing I do is good enough and I’ll never make it anywhere in life. Is this normal? This is normal. Totally normal, right? Right. I just have to go through this for like 6 months and maybe find something. Maybe. God, the idea of it freaks me out. What a terrible way to end a vacation. I was just starting to feel better. I was relaxed, my skin was clearing up, I rediscovered my old hobbies and causes, and now I’m losing my shit again over applying for a job. Pathetic! UGH!
I’m sure that debate last night didn’t help. Morale is pretty low right now. It’s hard to plan for the future when every time I turn on the TV, I see the little circus doing his little dance. God, who can even think about applying for a job when this fake reality TV star president is calling his fellow monkeys to war and undermining our election process? What nightmare did I wake up in and how do I get out? Let me out, god dammit! Let me out!!!!
This is my life. Trade in one nightmare for another. I just can’t. I might have to deactivate my Facebook again. Every time I get on there, everyone is inciting even more panic. It doesn’t help! I can’t deal with this. I barely know how to survive in this world on my own. Now I have to survive whatever this incoming shit is to? No, I’m not doing this. My mental health can’t take it. I’d rather fill my pockets with rocks and wander out into the ocean. Can’t do it. Not the Apocalypse Survivor Type. That’s not my thing. That’s not my role. I’m more of like… the bitchy queen or spoiled princess or sharp-tongued shrew who needs to be taken down a notch or curiously witty guy who is actually a woman in disguise. Not this. Anything but this.
I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m drowning. Help me! SOS! SOS! SOS!
[slowly sinks down into the void]