BLOG: Just Doing A Lot of Crying

Today was half productive, half miserable. The productive half was very productive. I tended to the household chores and went to the grocery store. I hate going to the grocery store. I hated it before the pandemic and I hate it even more now.

I have no idea how to grocery shop. I don’t like cooking or baking because I live alone and I always end up with an excess of food that I will never eat. I normally live on takeout and snacks, but the situation calls for grocery stock ups. I just… ugh. It’s such a stressful experience. I have to go to the store where there are people who don’t feel the need to wear masks or respect social distancing measures. I go at the end of the day when no one is there so I can be one of the few people shopping in the store. It still stresses me out.

I’m already breathing heavily because of the anxiety and the mask makes it even worse. Now I’m afraid I’m going to pass out and be taken to the hospital and end up with a crazy high bill and the virus and I can’t get a test and I have no heath insurance and now I’m six figures in debt overnight and oh my god how did one simple task turn into such a nightmare?

[collapses into a ball of anxiety]

My dream is a grocery delivery app that picks groceries for you based on what you like. I know such a service must exist in big cities, but here it is nonexistent. Alas. If you know the name of one, please leave it in the comments. The advancement of technology tends to leave a lot of South Dakota behind.

So the good news is that the grocery shopping eventually got done. I spent the morning cleaning, the afternoon napping (the bar is on tonight), and then took care of the shopping in the evening. I was happy to get in and out of Walmart in 5 minutes but the grocery store took longer. I usually buy the same type of groceries but today I splurged on the junk food for some reason. I got three types of cookies, assorted chocolates, pop tarts, and a mix of sweet cereals. I bet I will eat half of it in the next week alone.

The highlight of my trip was picking up two packages of the luxury toilet paper I haven’t seen in almost three months. I actually picked up the first package and hugged it when I found it. The love of luxury toilet paper is a real thing, especially now, after all of this…

All this food yet I have no appetite. I am really depressed today. It’s probably PMS. I did a lot more crying today. I feel like that’s all I’ve done since I started this new birth control pill. I just sit around the house and cry. Most of it is “because the puppy was so cute” moments, but the last few days it’s been all about the job. The never-ending struggles with the job. The frustration of being stuck in a place where I am straight-up UNHAPPY in spite of multiple attempts to get out. I’m trying to remind myself that I am in transition and everything will work out but oh my god I truly feel like the revolution is coming and none of my stupid fucking bullshit plans even fucking matter.

Cue more crying. And more crying. So much fucking crying. I just realized I forgot to buy tissues at the grocery store. All of that anxiety and I have to go out again. Oh my god whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

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