So I quit writing this blog, right? Well, it turns out I need to do it every day or else I turn into a lazy, depressed couch potato with nowhere to put my extra thoughts. Therefore, they just float around in my brain taking up space so I can’t get any REAL writing done. For some reason I have this innate need to share things with an audience for my own mental health purposes. I realized this last night while trying to meditate myself to sleep. It didn’t work, because nothing works against my insomnia except a really strong Indica (which I don’t have right now), but I did decide to bring the blog back. I just have to be careful about which thoughts I share and when. Easier said than done.
As I mentioned, I am not sleeping at night anymore. It’s driving me crazy. There is nothing I hate more than staying up all night and sleeping until noon, which is what I’ve regressed back to. I am not productive in the middle of the night. I am productive in the morning after 7-8 hours of deep sleep. I thought I was being good to myself by quitting medicinal marijuana, but it turns out I was wrong. There was a reason I was using it medicinally! It was because I had a legitimate medical reason for doing so! Was I using it a little too much? Yes, definitely. That was a problem. But at night it was a necessity. I know this because I’ve tried everything I used to do that didn’t work before. Yoga, meditation, staying up all night and all day, exercise, natural supplements, tea, reading, baths, the works. Nothing. I’m just lying there awake until 4am no matter what I do!!! AHHHH! I want my mornings back!!!!! I don’t know what the solution is right now. There doesn’t seem to be one at the moment. There might be one come November. I will hope for the best. In the meantime, I will just start my blog again and hope it will clear the way for real writing like it was doing before.
The blog was actually working for me before. Is it the kind of “marketable” shit that thousands of people will read? No. It’s just the thoughts in my head. But I learned if I write out those thoughts first thing in the morning (or afternoon), I am motivated to spend the rest of the day working on other stuff. Why do I need an audience? I don’t know. Because all the world is a stage and the men and women are merely players. Obviously!
I admittedly had no idea it would be THIS difficult to adjust to a new routine. Then again, I’m used to living alone, surrounded by my things, and coming/going as I please. As I am currently staying with family, I do not quite have that same level of comfort and freedom I am used to. Remember, I am 31, soon to be 32. I’ve been living alone for years. Now I am not and it’s not the same. Regardless, I am grateful because I’m not homeless and I’m not in South Dakota. Especially the part where I’m not in South Dakota. I just… LITERALLY CANNOT EVEN with South Dakota.
If I was in South Dakota, my head literally would’ve exploded when Kristi Noem came out and announced her $5 million tourism ad campaign that she was using federal coronavirus relief funds to pay for. Funds that could have been used to help someone like me, who was denied unemployment because I “didn’t make enough money.” Weird, I make enough money to pay taxes! That money should have come back to me when I needed it! But no! They need it to spend on commercials and fireworks and home TV studios and fucktons of METH!!!! AHHHHHH! I HATE CORRUPT POLITICIANS SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank the gods the AG decided to Janklow some rando (entertaining AF!) or I’d still be steaming mad. Fuck South Dakota. I hate that place. I love writing about it, but living there is a nightmare on ice. I just cannot even with that state. There is a reason they have the second highest rate of brain drain in the country. There is no reason for an educated person to stay there and put up with that crazy shit. Except maybe to write an SNL-style skit about it later, like I plan to do. Mwa hahaha!
Anyway, what have I been doing with all of my free time on the couch? Watching TV shows, movies, and musicals, of course! I watched Dear White People, which was great up until the episode where the White Bae decided to use his 3% Native American DNA test results to get funding for his film. REALLY!!!!!!!!! And then it was just GLOSSED OVER like it wasn’t THAT big of a deal to “check a box you were technically allowed to check.” NO! JUST NO! NO NO NO NO!
Ya’ll, I was sitting there with my jaw on the floor. I cannot believe an entire show about woke discussions of race featured an episode that let the white guy get away with stealing funds from actual Native Americans because his great, great, great, great, great grandmother was a Cherokee Princess. Oh, but then his white guilt got to him, so he tried to give it back, but the mean committee wouldn’t let him so he didn’t have any choice but to keep it!!! The worst part was that Miss “Dear White People” just swept this under the rug like she hadn’t just spent two and half seasons lecturing white people about racism. NO. JUST NO! Way to be complicit and completely undermine the lessons of your own show. >:(
And then I watched The Producers remake, which featured a man running around in a Lakota headdress Village People-style who was then referred to as a Cherokee. >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( Doesn’t anyone take the time to do five minutes of research?! UGH!!!!
Am I Native American? No. Do I walk around pretending to be? Also no! Does seeing this kind of stuff piss me off as a person who was invited onto the Rez and spent years collecting stories from actual Natives? YOU BET IT DOES! Clearly I have to use my white privilege and power to help some actual Natives get into the writer’s room. Representation matters. Down with the Pretendian bullshit! I’ve seen it way too many times in popular media. It needs to go. Bye, Felicia!
Okay, I’m glad I finally got all of that out of my head. I feel better now. You see? I need this blog. Now I feel like I can actually focus on something else instead of letting those same five thoughts float around my brain to distract me all day. What should I work on now? Should it be my romance novel or my FDS romcom parody? Maybe I should work on one of my courses since I’ve been ignoring their existence since I got here.
It’s like, Betsey, finish this set of courses that you already paid for and then next semester you can start taking film, theatre, acting, and dance (assuming in-person classes resume). You know, all the fun stuff you love and haven’t been able to do in years because you’ve been living in the middle of goddamn nowhere surrounded by judgmental assholes. You’re in New York City now! It’s time to get back on that stage! But first… you have to finish what you already started. Finish it and you will feel good about yourself and eventually make some money from writing, maybe.
Okay, I need to shower and get another cup of coffee and just chill the fuck out before I have a rage stroke. *closes eyes and takes a deep breath* I am the light. I am the universe. I am centered. I am at peace. Ohm.
Yeah, right, whatever. At least now I have an idea for an SNL-style skit parody of South Dakota politics floating around my head. This is my problem in life. Too many ideas, not enough execution. How do I fix this problem? I have no idea! I’m going to go consult one of the writer’s groups I joined online for advice!
Fare thee well!