BLOG: How to Train Your Shapeshifter, Part 2

Currently sitting in my tiny apartment, glaring at the weather from the window. Someday I will live in a place where it never gets cold and it never snows. For now, I’m still trapped in South Dakota. So much for trying to change my life for the better. Thanks for nothing, Coronavirus.

Andrew is still a puppy. He’s been a very good boy for the last few days. A little too good, if you ask me. Naturally, I am now extremely suspicious of his behavior. What, exactly, is his motivation here? I don’t believe for one moment he’s doing it for treats. His mind is far too complex to be satisfied by a slice of cheese here and there. What’s he really getting out of this?

Andrew: See? You always do this! He was just sitting here being a good boy, chewing on his toys and chasing his tail, and you come out of nowhere and call him a snake!

Me: That’s because you are a snake. You’re just pretending to be a puppy to get sympathy. Don’t even try to lie to me. I can see right through you. I know what you really are.

Andrew: [puts on the sad puppy dog eyes, whimpers, and wanders back to his crate with his tail between his legs]

Me: [continues glaring at Andrew suspiciously]

He’s such a weird character. This is hard to explain to people. He really isn’t a puppy or a snake. In fact, his “true form” tends to be this good-looking guy with messy hair who wears an old, ratty pair of green basketball shorts and maybe a t-shirt if he feels like it (he usually doesn’t). Like, what? Why? I don’t even recall inventing any of this. It feels like he just showed up one day and took over everything.

Ugh. Anyway. Whatever. He’s actually completely irrelevant to the fact that I can’t write at the moment. That comes down to location, location, location AND the fact that I am heavily weighed down by the collective consiousness of the world. Let’s be real here, people. EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE! I can’t focus for the life of me! I have to do everything in my power not to focus on the Nightmare Box. I know I’m not alone but… Jesus Christ. Are you guys even seeing this shit?! UGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

So, I’m sure you’ve figured it out by now but my Great Montana Escape is officially 100% not happening. SIGH. I am now 0/2 with that state. Perhaps the third time will be the charm. Until then… I’m trapped here, thinking about all the times I could have left but didn’t. Last night I read up on the concept of “Calling my spirit back” from all the places I’ve left pieces of it. My hope is that I will feel significantly less scattered and I can just pick one place and go there. I think I mentioned this, but I do have an offer on the table. It’s just weird because I saw myself living everywhere except that city.

Not that it matters, of course. The economy is failing, everyone is out of a job, and everyone is broke except the millionaires and billionaires. I can dream up any number of scenarios but the reality is that everyone is fucked no matter where they are. I’ll be fucked whether I stay here or go somewhere else. It’s not exactly great motivation to do… anything.

That’s all I’ve got for today. I made the mistake of staring at the Nightmare Box for too long and now I’m fantasizing about building a guillotine. Really I’d rather just hop a plane to Belize and hide out until the revolution is over so I can comment on it from afar. Belize can be kind of sketchy though. I’m only suggesting it because it’s one of Andrew’s weird “things.”

IDK. I’m stressed out AF right now. I can’t handle the world. I just fucking can’t.

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