To Whom it May Concern,
I am writing to apply for the sexy secretary position at your company. I am a great candidate for this position because I want a stable schedule and healthcare. Therefore, I am highly motivated to work as hard as I can. Did I mention I also know how to dress the part?
Theoretically, my degree and previous internships prepared me for a full-time office job like this. However, I have been unable to wrangle one since graduating college and ended up in the service industry instead. Luckily, my experience working with the public imparted me with many valuable lessons about the nature of humanity that make me an excellent job candidate.
Many years of bartending taught me the value of sobriety and a steady sleep schedule, while serving taught me how to smile in the faces of the worst people on earth. I’ve seen more adult temper tantrums than I can count, but none will ever compare to those I witnessed working in retail. Believe me when I say I understand how to work with people. This skillset is very important for an office job where I’ll be taking lunch orders, answering phones, and dealing with the daily challenges of the constantly-changing demands of those above me. I will remember your oddly specific coffee order and have it on your desk by 8am sharp so you don’t have to scream at me to feel powerful.
The other reason you should hire me is because I am an amazing writer. My literacy skills are unmatched. As we all know, literacy is becoming a lost art in this ever-changing world of smart phones and social media. What you really need now is someone who knows how to write a sentence. That’s where I come in. I once took a GRE verbal practice test and scored 160/170, without studying. Impressive, non? Did I mention the fact that I also maintain a controversial website, where various samples of the last 18 years of my work can found?
Attached is my resume and a list of references. I’m not sure how I managed to find multiple prestigious, elite, accomplished individuals to speak positively in my favour, but I did. I can be contacted at BetseyHorton.com or you can visit me at my office hours, which are usually held during Happy Hour at The Stick Shack. Thank you again for considering my application.
Food Critic – Bleu’s Chop House, 2019 – Present
- Sample different items on the menu and give them my honest opinion, for better or worse. Selected as a Celebrity Judge for the New French Fry Competition, August 2019.
Independent Restaurant Consultant – The Stick Shack, 2018 – Present
- Assist new restaurant in town with helpful feedback about customer service and menu quality. Other roles include Bourbon Expert, Absinthe Taster, and Experimental Cocktail Sampler. Winner of Trivia Night, July 2018.
Yote Basketball Enthusiast – Cleo’s Bar, 2017 – Present
- Show up to every single game wearing red and ready to cheer on the team with a smile on my face. Winner of NCAA March Madness Bracket Betting Pool, March 2019.
Mad Dog’s Handler – The Tar Pit, 2013 – Present
- Full-time, unpaid caretaker for eccentric figure of local historical legend. Assist with paperwork, dog walking, and running errands. Not a job for the faint of heart.
Regular – The Café, 2011 – Present
- Teach new baristas how to make my special coffee, sample freshly-baked pastries for quality assurance purposes, drink wine with lunch, and sit around looking very Parisian and bored.
Creature of Downtown Verm – The Club, 2010 – Present
- Get crunk, get drunk, get fuuuuuuckkkkkedddd up. Selected to be a Celebrity Bartender on Christmas Eve, 2018.
Enemy of the People – Bloody Mary’s Bar, 2009 – Present
- Interrupt other people’s conversations, make up stories about banging the sexy young owner, strike fear into the hearts of men. 10-Day Reigning Jeopardy Champion, December 2016. Banned For Life, July 2017. Awarded the prestigious Elk Head Lifetime Achievement Award at the Family Reunion in July 2019 for my significant contribution to the historical preservation of the Bar. Said legendary exploits are now the subject of a very exciting series of short stories to be featured in my upcoming novel, 1001 Vermillion Nights.
Writer Extraordinaire – BetseyHorton.com, 1988 – Present
- Eat, drink, write, and get into trouble with men. Believe it or not, I’m not actually getting paid for any of this.
- BA English/History/French, Coyote University – The Verm Hole, SD
- Creative Writing, Fancy Private School – Paris, France
- French Language and Culture, Public University – Small Town, France
Languages: American English, Shakespearean English, French, Spanish, Ebonics, 133t
Software: Microsoft Office, Adobe Photoshop, Blah Blah Blah, literally all of it. I’m a millennial, Sharon. Just put it in front of me and I can figure it out in ten minutes.
Social Media: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Tumblr, Pinterest, Tinder
Citation Styles: AP, Chicago, MLA