Completed my Emotional Intelligence course today. Now I have a certificate that proves I am emotionally intelligent. So there.
What did I learn? Well, I’ve already read a ton of books about this, so not much. I spent the time reflecting on specific situations where the advice was relevant. It was helpful in that regard. Otherwise it was a reminder to be aware of and process my own emotions accordingly.
Mostly, I thought a lot about my former friend groups here. There’s one that’s mostly still around. I’m glad I don’t see them anymore. I kept thinking of all the times they ganged up on me and screamed at me. It was crazy. I feel like all they ever did was criticize me and judge me. Getting away from them was good thing. The problem is that there’s no one else around to replace them. No one wants to just chill out and watch movies. It seems like it always has to be about the drama.
I also thought about the feedback “you never listen to anyone.” First of all, don’t come at me with your absolutes. I just spent the last two days of my life listening to two internet life coaches lecture me about conflict resolution and managing my emotions. I listen to other people all the time. It’s literally my job. It’s especially annoying to hear this phrase come out of the mouths of people who’s advice I have actually taken. That pretty much always infuriates me. I’m just curious what it is that I’m not listening to. Is it a slew of negativity? Is it an uninformed opinion? Is it just plain boring? There must be a reason why I’m listening to other people instead of you. It’s up to you to figure out what that reason is.
The reality is, these people were never my friends. Friends are there for you to support you in your time of need. Friends are there to listen when you’re down and help you back on your feet’s. Friends are for going out and having fun. Friends don’t relentlessly attack you every time you walk into the room for whatever imperceivable, unknown offense you’ve committed that week. Let’s face it: all I was doing with them was drinking anyway. They were just there for the party. It’s not like they’re the type of people one can just chill and watch movies with. Apparently they even have to turn that event into a scream-down. I could never win.
I think about these things over and over again because that’s how I process my emotions. I’m tired of justifying this to people. It’s not healthy to shove things down and forget about them. I’d rather confront them head on. Right now I’m confronting the fact that the people I’ve spent my time around have completely damaged my ability to trust others. The combination of abusive boyfriends, bad managers, and terrible friends has broken my trust in others.
This is why I had so much anxiety when I tried to go back to work. I don’t trust anyone. Every single time I’ve trusted someone in the last few years, that trust has been driven. Over and over and over again. I feel like I am literally incapable of believing that people are good anymore. Every new social situation is like, “Oh Jesus, what are they going to do to me this time and how are they going to blame me for it?” It’s really shitty to look around a room and realize no one else is looking out for your interests. People these days are really selfish. They only care about themselves. They will tear down anyone just to get by. It’s impossible to trust anyone.
Then I thought about this person who was sitting at the bar criticizing me last week. He is a Trump supporter. He says he doesn’t follow me because I make too many generalizations about people. HA! Seriously! A Trump supporter actually told me this to my face. They really are crazy. Well, sir, I can honestly say that I don’t care that you don’t read my website. Your kind isn’t welcome in my midst.
Otherwise, the slow march of progress continues on. It feels good to be finally knocking out the courses. I am too paralyzed by anxiety for my own good. But now I’ve learned how to identify the source of my anxiety so I can defeat it. Maybe. Theoretically. I guess we will find out?
At the end of the day, I’d rather not think about any of this. South Dakota just isn’t my favourite place. That’s a fact. I try to be positive but the people here are very negative. There is nothing I can do about that. It is totally and completely out of my control.
Just sitting here playing the waiting game. It feels like torture. I feel like my time here will never end. It’s awful. I swear, there is something evil about this town that sucks people in and forces them to stay against their will. I personally blame Spirit Mound.
I need to go get out of my own head now. I’m looking forward to living in civilization again so my blog will actually be interesting. Whoever thought moving me to the middle of nowhere was a good idea was clearly delusional.