Saturday. Feeling better today. Yesterday was horrible, but I deserved it. I did it to myself. I went out and binged when I knew what would happen. I’ve gotta stop living in a neighborhood full of bars. Go, that’s right, I will be leaving soonish.
I strongly suspect locking myself in my room at my aunt and uncle’s house for the next few months will be highly productive for me. All of my current distractions will be gone. I will be able to sit down and write real things again. I am looking forward to it.
Now I just have to wait for the Bloody Mary’s thing to go away. What a massive waste of time and energy. Seriously. I’m not even really sure what kind of point they’re trying to make here, but I am completely missing it. It’s literally going straight over my head. I think they need to just get over their crazy, imaginary problems that they made up in their heads. No one cares about their real lives, especially me. I only care about my book. I’ve explained this to them MANY times. It’s not my fault these overgrown frat boys are too stupid to understand what a book is. They need to just shut up and get over it already. No one cares!
Oh well, what did we really expect? After all, this is South Dakota. Fancy Book-learnin’ is considered one of the worst possible things you can do with your life. We should all be picking soybeans from dawn till dusk because performing back-breaking physical labor is what makes you better than everybody else.
Anyway, speaking of stupid men who deserve some comeuppance for their obvious bullshit, I finished the second season of Coisas Mais Linda last night. EVERYONE NEEDS TO WATCH THIS SHOW! It’s the best I’ve seen in an awhile. I love it!!!
Spoiler Alert: there’s a GREAT scene in the second season where Malu (main character) goes to meet a slimy politician and he wants to meet her in his hotel room. She tricks him by getting him naked, stealing his clothes, and threatening to send them to his wife. Then she tells him to go fuck himself and leaves with the clothes.
I literally stood up, clapped, and cheered at the end of the scene. I said, “On behalf of every woman who was a victim of Harvey Weinstein, thank you for that scene.” It was THRILLING to watch a woman take back her power from a shitty man that way. I’m so fucking sick of watching movies and TV shows about shitty men constantly being rewarded by society for their shitty behavior. I’m so over it! These dudes are not heroes and I am not interested in their stories. I want to see WOMEN!
There’s also another couple of scenes I can’t reveal because they are integral to the plot, but I was VERY happy to see them. I just want to see shitty men who do shitty things be held accountable for their actions and punished accordingly. No more of this blaming women for everything that goes wrong. These assholes deserved exactly what they got and I was there for every single minute of it.
I also love this show because one of the main characters is very similar to me. It’s the writer who lived in Paris, of course. She is fabulous! I honestly can’t remember the last time I felt like I was seeing myself on screen. Or at least, the ideal version of myself: intelligent, confident, complex, outspoken, unapologetically radical in her feminism, beautiful, well-dressed, and successful in her career.
I find it inspiring to watch how free she is. I look at her and I think, “That is who I want to be.” And I am, clearly. I’m just in the completely wrong environment for that. People out here prefer to burn women like that at the stake. They think she needs to stop talking and go pick soybeans instead. That’s probably why she moved to Paris and left their dumbasses behind.
Not sure what to do with my day. Definitely not poison myself with alcohol, that’s for sure. I was so sick yesterday I couldn’t even drink my Bloody Mary. It was bad. I was vomiting all day and couldn’t keep anything down until about 6pm, when I wandered downstairs to get an orange beer (alternative hangover cure). It took me an hour to drink it, but it stayed down. I know Bud Light with orange juice SOUNDS nasty, but it cured my ails. So did the Mexican takeout I ordered right after. Nothing brings me back to life like a quesadilla!
As I’ve stated before, drinking is not glamorous. It is not fun. It is so heavily normalized in culture when it definitely shouldn’t be. That shit destroys lives. Quitting is hard but I am heading in the right direction. It’s really a matter of reprogramming your brain and changing your mindset. Like, I don’t need this. The reason I am drinking like this is because I don’t have a social life here anymore. Sure, it sounds silly, but humans are not meant to be alone. Once upon a time, I had lots of friends here, but that was when I was in college and all of those people are gone. Now it seems like most of the people here are backstabbing, two-faced assholes who need drama all the time. The last few years have been so hard for me. It seems like they don’t even want to be understanding. They just want to be jerks.
Therefore, I’ve used alcohol to replace that lack of connection in my life. Unfortunately, all I’ve done is harm myself. I’m glad I can see this relationship for what it is. My hope is that someday I will be surrounded by good, supportive people who love me and want the best for me. I know, so delusional and deranged, right? Maybe I’ll just get a dog instead.
I think I’ll order another coffee and continue reading this book a friend gave me. It’s a book of advice for aspiring screenwriters made up of interviews with successful screenwriters. I’m enjoying it simply because it’s refreshing to read other writers describe their experiences. So relatable! They talk about the loneliness, the isolation, the struggle, the process. When I read it I think, “Yes, I know EXACTLY what you mean! That’s how I am too! Finally, someone who understands my life!”
Of course, it does have its moments. You know you’re talking to a Baby Boomer when they say shit like “I was living on $3,000 a year!” like that is even A Thing that is possible in 21st Century America. Lol, $3,000 a year in LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA! Try $3,000 a month with half of that going to rent and another hefty chunk going towards student loan payments. They are so out-of-touch with reality. It’s insane. And they wonder why Millennials don’t listen to any of their “advice.” We live in two completely different realities. Unfortunately, their reality doesn’t exist anymore. They destroyed that reality for future generations and then blame us for it. No one cares what they think.
Off to go read now. Ta ta!