Alcohol… ode to alcohol… demon in a bottle, favourite drug of choice. Evil, evil, alcohol, how do I stop you from ruining my life?
Someday I aspire to be the kind of person who is cool with having one glass of wine with dinner and that’s it. However, given the fact that alcoholism is a degenerate disease that gets worse over time, my hopes for this are low.
Have I gone through periods in my life where I didn’t drink at all? Yes I have, so I know it’s possible. However, highly difficult at this point in time. There are enablers EVERYWHERE, especially within my immediate family. The disease definitely runs in my family on both sides. It’s difficult to escape.
Obviously living in a small town in the middle of nowhere doesn’t help. When I lived in D.C., I would just hop the metro and go to the Smithsonian when I was bored. Now I live in a place where people gather around a fire pit to drink shitty cheap beer all day. That’s it. That’s what they do. That’s their idea of fun. It’s not exactly what you would call “intellectually stimulating,” especially when all they’re doing is talking shit about other people.
Anyway, I recognize the fact that I have a problem and it is my sole responsibility to fix it. I have dreams and goals. Alcohol will continue holding me back as long as I let that demon rule my life. Then again, if the worst it’s getting is throwing a public temper tantrum on Facebook, I guess it’s not so bad. Haha, watch me rationalize it! This is what alcoholics do.
The biggest point is that I drink because other people suck and that makes me sad. I am literally poisoning myself because other people are assholes to me all the time. It’s pretty pathetic. Why am I doing this? I’m not hurting anyone but myself.
Will I be going to AA? No. It’s too Christian for me and I am super not into that cult-ass shit. I will find another way. Perhaps I will look into the Red Road, which is based on Lakota values. Is the person who developed it extremely problematic? You bet your ass he is, because most men are, but hey, it’s helped a lot of people recover so it’s worth a shot.
In the meantime, I will take it one day at a time. Today my goal will be not to order a beer at the basketball game. I’m pretty sure that’s fairly achievable. I usually only get one anyway, maybe two, but usually one. Let’s just skip the one. Is it enhancing the game in any way? NO! Am I using it as an excuse to not sit with a bunch of men who are constantly heckling the refs and embarrassing me in front of the announcers, athletic directors, players, coaches, and especially the sexy coach? Yes I am.
So there it is.
Am I okay? No. No I am not okay at all. However, I am making the effort to change my life for the better. I want to be happy and successful. I want to go to graduate school. I want to be a great Writer Extraordinaire. I can achieve all of these things. I know I’ve got it in me. I’ve just gotta give up this damn crutch I’ve been leaning on for far too long.
Send me good vibes, please and thank you! Aside from the jerks in this world, I think we all want to see me succeed. I know I can do it. I can do anything. I’ve done everything they told me I could never do. Everything. I can do this too!