I question the glamorization of the tortured, alcoholic writer in our culture. There is nothing glamorous about addiction. There is nothing glamorous about me at this moment in time, except for the perhaps this fabulous robe I bought in Paris. I just feel like a total and complete piece of shit. Alcohol turns me into a monster. It turns everyone around me into monsters. It has completely destroyed my family to the point that I literally cannot be around any of them anymore. It is something I must escape.
I feel like alcohol has become my whole life and identity. I write about the bars. I live in a neighborhood full of bars. I hang out in bars. I work in bars. I seek out new and different bars with new and exciting drinks. I am fully ingrained in this culture of alcoholism and that is not a good thing. It doesn’t have to be this way. This is all a mask for my struggles with self-actualization. Deep down underneath all of this booze, I am someone else. Someone good. Someone who has a lot to offer the world.
I’ve wrestled with making a decision to keep the bartending job. Multiple people around me are pressuring me to keep it because of the money. I just don’t think it’s worth it. It completely takes over my life. I relapsed as soon as it was offered to me. I just feel deep down in my soul that it is not a good idea for me at this point in my life. I am an alcoholic. I cannot drink alcohol. I cannot be around alcohol. I cannot serve alcohol. I cannot enable other people to drink alcohol. I need to avoid alcohol wherever I possibly can. That’s just how it is.
I do not need to rely on my addiction for money. I do not need to move up from junkie to dealer. There are other jobs out there. Better jobs. Jobs that I am qualified for and can bring in a more stable income. I have a degree. I have experience. I have practical skills. I’m taking courses to better develop said skills. I am a valuable asset to any company that hires me. All I need to do is learn to see that in myself.
I have a vision of the person I want to be. I will never be that person as long alcohol is beside me. That is a fact. I know that. There are other ways. I can and will find those ways. I am not helpless. There are better options out there for me. I can and will overcome this to live a better life.