Currently sitting at the Cafe. Went on a nice, long walk today. It felt pretty great since I have become a massive, lazy cow who lays about my apartment constantly eating carbs and sugar to make up for the lost alcohol intake. It is not glamorous. I should start doing yoga again.
I’m glad I wrote that post today. Putting that constant negative feedback loop I’ve been hearing for the last few years on the page really helped me realize how stupid it is to give these people so much space in my head. I’m not a bad person. There are plenty of good qualities about me that I am actively embracing and developing. I’m tired of listening to these assholes tell me that everything I do is bad and I’m always wrong and that the way I feel doesn’t matter. I mean, look at that list. Is any of it actually relevant to my writing? No. It’s all personal attacks stemming from individual insecurities. I don’t have to listen to that. I am free to disregard it. I don’t have to keep punishing myself because you have a problem.
I’m glad I took those courses. I legitimately feel like I’m on track to resolving my feelings about this situation now. Someday I’ll write a great big article about successfully finding alternative forms of cognitive therapy when you can’t stop talking over your therapist. That day is not today. For now, I am focused on releasing this negative feedback loop and replacing it with the positive feedback loop from Paris that says “You are the Écrivaine Extraordinary. Your process is your process. Your stories are worth telling. The world needs to hear your voice!” I think we can all agree that is a much better internal monologue than “Shut up. You suck. No one cares.”
The household chores are calling to me today. I guess those are next to get done on the list. I want to organize my office as well. I basically have everything spread out over two tables and various boxes when it can all easily be condensed into 2-3 bins. I had the urge to do this last night because I couldn’t immediately locate my art supplies. I found an hour-long “course” from the graduate school in Paris on fashion collage and illustration. I was going to do it last night but the art supplies all disappeared into three different boxes! Ridiculous. No wonder I’ve been so unhappy. All of my stuff is perpetually lost and disorganized.
So close, yet so far. Story of my life.