BLOG: 2 out of 3 ain’t bad, I guess?

Ahhh. Life. This might be the first time in recent memory that two glasses of wine has actually de-escalated my anger and sadness. Haha, I guess it works better when you’ve had a terrible day topped off with an envelope full of court documents from your lawyer.

I’m not gonna lie; the main reason I’m pissed about how my hair looks is because I have to go meet with him and I don’t want to look like low-class trash that just did a bunch of meth with three of her baby daddies and crawled out of a dumpster. Ugh. Infuriating! I’m just going to have my sister fix this disaster. I literally cannot even.

I managed to stagger out in public thanks to quick thinking and a fabulous scarf. Now I look unique and fabulous. You see?

Nothing says “That Bitch Fucked Up My Highlight Job” like a fabulous hair wrap.

As you can see, I was very inspired by my intense desire to buy a one-way ticket to Nairobi. Mostly because all I can think about right now is escaping this horrible little town forever.

Honestly, I feel like I tried. I really gave it a chance. And honestly? There’s a handful of things I like. Truly. Not everyone is terrible and the history is awesome. You know, however “awesome” the concept of genocide against indigenous peoples can be. Awesome: Maybe Mot The Best Word To Describe South Dakota. All I can really say is: Deadwood is my jam, I ALWAYS sit with my back to the wall, and HELL YES, if I could back and do it all over again, I would still choose to sleep in my car at an abandoned gas station on the Rez again and again and again.

To me, being positive is an act of spite against people who are so ridiculously negative all the time. For example, if I was in a city, my outfit would be considered on point. Instead, I am constantly glared at by people dressed in sweats, jeans, and t-shirts. It sucks! This outfit is amazing and it all came from heavily discounted sale racks, thrift stores, and Walmart. Yes. That’s right. I wear clothes from Walmart. You would be shocked how often I wear random pieces I found at Walmart. It turns out, they actually have a surprisingly decent Buyer. I wore a dress from Walmart in Paris and got so many compliments and NO ONE EVER SUSPECTED IT CAME FROM WALMART!

11 years ago, I thought Walmart was trashy as hell, and it was. However, something changed within the first few years I was here and they found a great Buyer with an actual sense of style. My theory is that they hired some people away from Target, because their quality has gone down a lot. Then again, it makes sense! All those fashion majors have to get jobs somewhere. Why NOT infiltrate Walmart and subtly revolt against the conservative small town anti-fashion agenda? Why not?

The head wrap came from a thrift store. It was a dollar. It’s one of those big scarves that you can use for EVERYTHING. Hair, skirt, dress, top, scarf, wrap, belt, towel. One of my best purchases by far. My guess based on the quality of the material is that it retailed at about $20. No one should ever pay full price for anything. If they do, they are missing out.

Anyway, this was a potential fashion post I could have gotten paid for, god, I need to get out of this town. Just think of all the money I will be making once I crack the formula. God dammit, I really am the dragon who sits on gold. Tom de la Salle knew me so well! Why did he have to turn out… so…. much… like… everyone else around here?

Based on the looks I’m getting right now, it’s clear that I am, in fact, an alien from outer space and I 100% do NOT belong here.

OMG I JUST HIT THE OVERHEARD JACKPOT! This lady is talking about getting divorced from her husband because he has become brainwashed by Fox News, conservative Christian radio, and QAnon! And yes, she is traditional and sincere in her faith too, but she’s not THAT traditional!

OMG YES I CANNOT BELIEVE I GET TO HEAR THIS CONVERSATION! It’s like Reddit come to life but BETTER! This woman left her husband because he CHANGED! He went from respecting her career and work-life balance to wanting to turn her into the Perfect Christian Stepford Housewife! FOR REAL! And she’s fighting back against him! YASSSSSSS BITCH YASSSSS FIGHT THE POWER!!!! FIGHT THE POWER! FIGHT THE POWERS THAT BE!

Okay, okay, don’t freak out. Just act natural. You’re the weirdo in the corner dressed up for no reason typing away on your iPad! No one knows you’re actually listening to their conversation. They think you are angry over your own divorce papers because you’re sitting alone looking fabulous reading the same Official-Looking Documents over and over and over again and slamming them on the table.

I can’t join this group of ladies, but I’m with them. Especially the woman who is currently debating her religious convictions and her understanding of Divorce and how she was raised and what she believes and what her family will think and her desire to be true to herself and the fact that the man she loved straight-up lost his shit and joined a cult and the fact that she has children to protect!

So complex. So beautiful. So real. So true to the struggle of what it means to be a woman. She could be Kim Kardashian right now. SO FUCKING HERE FOR IT!

Tbh, I felt guilty for listening for a moment, but then one of them needed a cigarette. I came through. This is why I never, ever leave home without tobacco in some form of another. Tobacco is a sacred medicine to the Lakota (the Nation I’ve had the most interaction with) and many other Native peoples. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve traded tobacco for stories. It is the way. If I’m not carrying cigarettes, I’m carrying pure tobacco in a plastic bag. That’s just how I roll.

I choose to see this day as a positive. I did get a good haircut. And I got my eyebrows/lip threaded, which was not my preference but it’s fine. Waxing is better because you’re just ripping it right the hell off. Threading looks great but wow, it’s painful! Not my preference, especially after six months. That’s my biggest problem right now. I waiting six months for this fucking bullshit?! UGH! Clearly I am not the only person who is feeling off.

Overall, I’d rate it a solid 2/3. The bad highlight job was definitely worth a significant chunk. The outfit and face are fine. It’s the hair. My dreaded hair. I WILL have this fixed before I go to see my lawyer. You don’t understand. I was raised around lawyers. Some of my earliest memories are of running around my dad’s various offices and meeting Big Shot Lawyers at parties from the time I was 5 years old. Meeting with a lawyer is a bigger deal to me than any of this other shit. It’s very important that I impress the lawyer. If I can get the lawyer on my side, I can win, All I want to do is walk in there and act like all of this a complete waste of time, because it is. I am a serious professional. These charges are an assassination of my character. That is a fact. I will not have these privileged white males telling me I’m a threat just because I dared to have an opinion about their fucking bullshit.

Here’s the real question: When is that asshole finally going to get his comeuppance? When is someone going to investigate the rampant claims of date rape drugs him and his staff put in women’s drinks, MYSELF INCLUDED? When is someone going to investigate the rampant claims that there are cameras in the women’s bathroom? When is someone going to investigate the same exact claims of rampant money laundering that landed a previous owner dead in a ditch of “mysterious causes”? When is someone going to investigate the obvious police bribes?

Look, all I’m saying is that I have a real case here and I will not throw away everything I was taught my entire life by walking into a law firm with this trashy fucking methhead highlight job!!!!! GOD MOTHERFUCKING DAMMIT!!!!! WHY CAN’T I JUST FIND A HAIRDRESSER THAT UNDERSTANDS WHAT I NEED?!

You know what? Here’s what is going to happen: I will not be defeated by some asshole from a small town in the middle of nowhere that displays a large and obvious sign reading “Beware of Poisonous Snakes” right at the entrance. His mom warned me he was coming. I can see right through him.

So I cut off his head and three more grew in his place. So what? Heracles defeated the Hydra and completed the Twelve Labours. Why can’t I?

You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to think like I majored in the Classics, because I literally fucking did. I know and understand this world from 10,000 BCE on. Fuck you, you obvious pretender. How dare you impersonate My Emperor, you filthy lying snake!

You know, it’s entirely possible he could win this battle, but ultimately I know I will wait to win this war. That’s what being a Scorpio is all about, baby. I will wait and wait and wait and wait. All the while, I’ll come up with something good. Real good. Something subtle that you will never suspect. And then, THEN, just when the moment is right and you’re not expecting anything — BAM! That’s when I will strike. I will wait 60 years. I’m already ready. Old age runs in my family. Get ready, motherfucker, because this grudge is about to last a lifetime. You chose the wrong water sign. Shit is about to get real and you won’t even know it until is smacks you right across the face years and years and years from now, just wait. Wait.

Just fucking wait.

I like this lady I’m eavesdropping on. YASSSS BABY YOU LEAVE YOUR SHITTYASS HUSBAND AND EMPOWER YOUR DAUGHTERS TO BE THEIR OWN UNIQUE SELVES! Fuck the patriarchy! We ready, baby. We’re about to take back this country from Donald Trump and Moscow Mitch and every every asshole exactly like them.

I didn’t mention this, but I watched Obama’s speech at John Lewis’ funeral yesterday and WOW! I was suddenly filled with inspiration and hope and a real belief that we can all unite as one in spite of our differences and come together to change things for the better in the future. Because we are! We The People will make this A More Perfect Union. We’re going to cross that bridge. And we’re not going to stop until we do. They may fight us with gas and sticks and dogs and chains, but We Shall Overcome. We are going to cross that bridge and we are not going to stop marching until we get there. They may get our first line of defense. They may arrest us, beat us, imprison us, bankrupt us with lawsuits, but We Shall Overcome.

We Shall Overcome. We Shall Overcome. We Shall Overcome.

Seriously hoping Creeply Uncle Joe rips off the Scooby Doo Mask and reveals it’s actually Obama running for President again. I’m not even joking right now. Go ahead and cheat if you have to, even though we know you never would and that’s why we love you. “Republicans” don’t care. You cheat and you win and you take our country back from this utterly ridiculous reality TV circus our country has become.

In the meantime, I’m going to fight the patriarchy. Fuck this pussyass bitch and his incredibly punchable face. I can just hear it going through everyone’s mind: “You’re so ridiculously good looking. Why are you so ridiculously good looking? Haven’t you ever thought to yourself that maybe there’s more to life than being ridiculously good-looking? Because maybe you should.” I honestly feel like there are at least ten people in this world who want to punch him right in the face. At least ten. At LEAST.

My ultimate WWE fantasy is to watch “Sam” fight “Tattoo Guy” in an arena. Maybe add a tiger or lion or bear or two just to make it interesting. Bring back the gladiator games!!! Make America Gladiator Again! Reality TV style! Hell yes! This is where a reality television star like Donald Trump is going wrong. He’s not using his Big Gubmint powers to unite Congress and the National Zoo. I grew up at the Big Cat exhibit. Those lions and tigers and bears, OH MY!, are bored as all hell. I say we release them into Congress and let them hunt. May the best woman win.

Never again.

Okay, I’m ready to go home to bed now. 11pm timeframe checks out. I’m so old now, ugh. At least the server asked me for my ID in spite of my excessive hair wrap. Maybe today wasn’t a complete disaster after all. This highlight job is still embarrassing AF. Never again.

Hashtag, Never Again.

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